Monthly Archives: July 2013

A Little Laugh

Friends and readers.

Every now and then we like to tell our wide and growing readership some funnies which we have come across, so we will. The following couple of funnies are in fact true with a tinge of added mirth just to titillate our wide and growing readership.

A kid was standing in court beside a judge. His parents were getting divorced and the judge asked him which parent he would like to live with

With you mother

No! She beats me all the time.


So with you father

No! He beats me every night as well.

Well if both your parents beat you then who do you want to live with? The boy replies ”The Hibernian Football club” The judge is puzzled ”Why would you want to live with them” he asks. The boy replies ”Because they don’t beat anyone”.

Some time ago one of our associates was talking to a politician who shall of course remain nameless, but you can guess if you like, we might give you a clue.

Anyway our associate said to the expensively dressed politician ” I’d love to see things from your point of view but”

”But what” the expensively dressed politician asked.

Our associate replied ” But I cannot seem to get my head that far up your ass.


Media Friendly

Friends and readers.

Pilton Sucks as you know tries to bring to you with a humorous slant all that is happening in and around your lives. Our wide and growing readership enjoy we hope a serious but rye look at what is going on, so we were delighted to be informed from one of our many readers that we got a mention on the radio.

Goody we are pleased, and that pushes us on to bring you more of what you seem to like. It has come to our ears that a mention on Pilton Sucks will do your ego no end of good, and so to all our characters existing and new welcome to the family friendly now media friendly Pilton Sucks. Now where is that application for the blog awards, we know we put it somewhere.

Sleep Tight Don’t Let The Tories Bite

Friends and readers.

You may know that the High Court has dismissed a legal challenge against the bedroom tax. This bunch of old well heeled geezers in wigs ruled that while this  tax  does discriminate it is not unlawful, work that one out. This discrimination effects all council tenants, and will have a disastrous effect on those with a disability.

The growing reality for many thousands of disabled people is that they now face their lives with less income having to find extra to pay higher rents with the threat hanging over their heads of eviction from their homes.This bunch of insulated, hate the weak and poor Tory misfits care not a jot as what we now see is the establishment ganging up with this lot to crucify those less fortunate than themselves.

Tory cut throat Duncan Smith say’s this will restore fairness to our housing benefits system. This policy is anything but fair ,it is an intolerable way to treat the most vulnerable people in our society. We all know that there are some who screw the system, yes and we may even know one or to personally, and these chancers should be sought out and punished. Pilton Sucks knows personally of one punter who recently got a tenancy in the Millar development in Crewe Road North and is benefitting out of cheating the system, we are happy to furnish the name and the evidence. If we know why doesn’t those who are supposed to know do nothing yet are willing to hammer those who desperately need our help and support.

Already the effects of the bedroom tax are becoming clear. Social housing rent arrears in Scotland increased to £2million compared with the same month last year. Yet still no action against their pals who hide their money off shore, still no action against the banks who continue ignore calls for investment in small to medium size companies, while still enjoying large bonuses, and just to rub salt in the wound, tell the mug punters that all this and more is needed to put us all back on track after we were derailed by their pals in the banking system.

Forget the Labour mob they agree with what’s going on and have said will keep to the Tory policies if they were elected, heads you lose tails you lose. Pilton Sucks is very clear about what needs to happen. Hammer those that cheat the system, absolutely, as we say we are aware of people who are happily cheating the system. Begin a war against those who hoard and hide money away in dodgy accounts. A 70p tax on all those who earn over £100,000 a year, winter fuel allowance doubled with fuel bills for the over 70′s who have no other income other than state pension to be paid by the state up to £400 a quarter. All monetary assets stashed away in phoney accounts be confiscated and used to help the most needy in our society. Banks ordered to invest in Britains businesses to stimulate growth. Ease planning restrictions to allow sympathetic development making sure that all developments use local labour as a part of those easing of restrictions. Upskill our population and get Communities working.

Force the utility companies to freeze all fuel bills and if they don’t take away their licences. Break up the fuel cartels who clearly do as they please. No replacement of Trident or any other weapons of mass destruction. A comprehensive public works programme, to improve our infrastructure, and not just a continual patch up. Investment and targeted taxation, an all out comprehensive removal of tax dodgers and those who abuse the benefits system. Britain should not be a soft touch with a system that is there and rightly there to help our most needy, and abused by the minority. The Billions that are hidden away should be confiscated and re-invested in our Communities to create vibrant Communities. Those cheating the system should be caught and punished and the money re-directed to those most in need.

What the Tories are doing is a blanket hammering of those easiest to attack and then mouth platitudes about the rest. Thatcher popularised the greed is good mentality, and the greedy bought into and ran with it. We need to change that not tinker with it. Nobody should envy those who aspire to better themselves, but at the same time we cannot allow vagabonds and thieves to better themselves abusing the system at a cost to those who really need our help.

Valhala Comrades

Friends and readers

Many moons ago when we were all much younger and the loss of hair and teeth was far into the future, our fairy god parents came amongst the minions and promised green fields, jobs a plenty, and inward investment into a hard pressed community. Many bought into the vision of green space and prosperity, and began to believe that at last voting Labour was going to bring about the change which for so long had eluded them, even though they had voted Labour since Noah sent out a punter from the Ark to bring back bread only for the punter to be lost to the queue in Scotmid never to be seen again.

This fairy story and it was a fairy story promised up to 9000 jobs something that was openly bragged about as a kick start to a dead local economy. There were one or two that did not to bad thank you very much and we know who the one or two are, but that’s for a later date. The rest got no jobs no prosperity, just a kick in the teeth and lousy excuses. The local Community were conned by the very people they voted for, and unless you were an ass licker then you got nothing. we know who the ass lickers are as well.

Then as this con was being executed all the local projects were stuffed full of party hacks and yes men. The rest were excluded just patronised and laughed at. It was just jaw dropping the corruption that went on, and as we said one or two did okay out of the ill fated waterfront shambles, and of course the Party hacks who paid homage at the feet of their masters. What we have now and what is left is nothing short of disgraceful, with greed both from the developers and the politicians who were to blinkered to understand that this kind of project was well above them and they should have stuck to keeping the streets clean and emptying buckets and even that they fucked up.

High Rise flats by any other name that in the main nobody wants anymore, many badly built and with shit like materials which will crumble as time passes. Those politicians who had their nose in the trough know who they are and how they benefitted and so do we. We are all at fault for allowing these clowns to take charge of this project, and leaving us to clean up their mess. No jobs came our way unless you were an ass licking party hack. No prosperity, no new future, nothing at all except the slums of the future.

Rows of high rise over priced fuckin rubbish which will not last the test of time and plots of overgrown desert like abandoned land. Then of course the greedy bastards that are National Grid, this is what the NEN should be writing about not the crap they come up with. National grid are parasites greedy fuckin parasites who would rather leave the land that they own doing nothing than anything constructive. They own the railway station and doing nothing with it, let’s take it off these fuckers and put it to use. They are trying to wriggle out of their responsibility for the Gas Tower by trying to buy off the Community on the cheap, it makes the other stupid idea that Sur Mer shit look almost plausible.

How did this come about, many reasons some we will never know about, but flatter a few politicians sell a load of shit to a desperate Community, bring in a spiv to con everybody including his employers, and then let a handful of inexperienced know fuck all politicians to control who gets what, and what you see is what we have left, grey buildings and dog shit on the grass. A plague on the houses of the bastards that caused all this.

HRH Scotmid

Friends and readers

As you know we have reported to our wide and growing readership the rip-offs at Scotmid, the invisible staff that contribute to the largest queues this side of the creditors queue at Tynecastle and their total lack of customer service.

Well dear friends it turns out that no less than our mate, regular sucks reader, catwalk queen, pretty much chair of everything and now pothole supremo, her regalness Lesley Prada Hinds is a member of the worst shopping experience that you can ever hope to have, yes friends Scotmid.

Our mate and regular sucks reader should try standing in the queue, it’s some experience, as we were told recently that a punter who was close to being served the same day, offered to sell her place to someone whose milk was likely to go off if she stood any longer in the queue. The other famous quote which sums Scotmid up is the story of the punter who went into Scotmid when the Tories were in power only to come out and find Labour had come to power and the Iraq war was a year into it’s existence.

Our mate Prada would deem it beneath her to shop in Scotmid much preferring the king of the rip off merchants, the foodhall of Marks and Spencers. But we think our old mate and regular sucks reader should raise this problem with Scotmid and resign should they refuse to stop ripping off the hard pressed punters of North Edinburgh. The Socialists of Scotmid will argue of course that they provide a much needed service to the punters of the North and the fact that they rob the punters is neither here nor there.

The peoples champion and die hard revolutionary should take a stand and take Scotmid to task over their pricing policy and never ending queues. Recently a couple celebrated their silver wedding anniversary in Scotmid, very nice you might think until you find out they only went in for a couple of dodgy looking frozen burgers and a bag of frozen chips. Yes dear friends our pot hole supremo and regular sucks reader has a big job on her hands sorting this out. But we offer our friendly advice, get in the queue now Lesley and we might hear something this side of the election.

Floaters In The Flood

Friends and readers.

Our pals over at the NEN are alerting the punters to possible floods, only way floods come down our way is due to the blocked bloody drains that no-one bothers to clean.

But just as, if not more important than flood alerts is floaters alert. The recent downpours have washed the pavements clean of dog poo helping out our over worked dog fouling czar comrade Cammy. This is of course good news for our hard pressed pavement users and shifts the problem to the blocked sewers.

This is only a temporary reprieve as our four legged friends will soon be back in business marking their territory on the pavements. What’s left of our diminishing green spaces will have watered down dog poo for the punters to try and avoid. Our very own dog fouling czar Cammy squint tie Day was spotted out and about pound stretcher brolly in hand to shelter from the down pours, inspecting the floating dog poo , while Vicki the hat Redpath took the publicity photos destined to be on Cammy’s next election leaflet.

We are told that an unfortunate incident took place while Cammy was inspecting the dog poo meandering it’s way towards the blocked sewers. A passing speeding motorist who was trying to evade capture by our boys in blue for non payment of a parking fine took a corner a bit to sharply, and yes friends it was the very same corner where our Cammy was inspecting the dog poo.

Well friends we will spare our more delicate readers the resulting outcome of what happens when soggy dog poo is sent spiralling sideways along with swaths of water. All we will say is that were dog poo is flung it sticks.

Economics Of The Madhouse

Friends and readers

Here dear friends is a basic fact. The Scottish Government has an annual budget of £30billion, the cost of replacing the Trident nuclear weapons system is £25billion.

So with reasonable thinking and without being an armchair academic we can safely say that this £25billion being spent on destruction could be used to fund our schools, hospitals, roads, and police for a year. £25billion would also come in handy in helping reduce the national deficit.

Coming at a time when we are experiencing people taking their own lives due to benefit cuts and the dreaded bedroom tax, this projected spending on a cold war relic is not only obscene it is morally and financially indefensible.

Just for the record dear friends The Previous Labour Government backed the replacement of Trident, so they can’t crow now about the cost or any other hypocritical duplicity they come up with. And for the military historians amongst our wide and growing readership each of these genocidal submarines carries up to about 40 nuclear warheads, each of these little suckers have eight times the power of the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima in 1945.

Right now our former enemies in the East are more likely to cut off our gas supply than launch a first strike weapon on us. While the Tory Government plan to cut about half a billion pounds from the benefits bill, and for the mathematicians amongst our wide and growing readership, by scrapping Trident they could make that saving 50 times over, yes that’s what a comprehensive education did for us.

Friends in today’s world with all it’s economic problems, internal strife, and desperate poverty, Trident is a moral and economic obscenity.

Inspired But To Our Cost

Friends and readers

Our old mate,regular Sucks reader, catwalk queen, pretty much chair of everything and now pot hole supremo Lesley Prada Hinds, has been inspired, is she resigning to be a monk in Tibet? Is she defecting to the Tory Party? or has she just managed after many unsuccessful attempts to complete the Sun crossword.

None of the above dear friends. No in fact dear friends our old mate and regular Sucks reader has been inspired by the Tram system in Dublin, yes dear friends you just couldn’t make this up. Prada tells us what has up to now been one of the worlds great unsolved mysteries, that Dublin is the capital of the republic of Ireland, thanks for that Prada you are a shining example of what a comprehensive education did for you.

Our old mate was keen to tell anyone that was daft enough to listen that she met with the operations manager of Dublin’s Tram system, bet you didn’t tell him that his opposite number in Edinburgh Ian nose in the trough Craig was earning £265,000 a year, was that an inspired move? Prada also bleated on about how there were many similarities between Dublin and Edinburgh, Heaven forbid that they have their own version of Prada Hinds, but like Edinburgh they are broke as well. They have also spent an obscene amount of money on a white Elephant, only difference is that their white elephant actually carries fare paying punters.

Is this the same person now singing the praises of another expensive Tram system that voted with the Tories to stop the Tram at Haymarket, another inspired idea. Prada also had a little tug at the heart strings with a tearful story of Grandparents out for the day with their Granddaughter on the Tram  coincidently of course and how the granddaughter was beside herself about getting a ride on the Tram.

Well Prada Pilton Sucks is inspired to tell you that todays Grand children will be Grandparents before this bloody Tram system ever gets anywhere.


It’s God’s Money

Friends and readers.

For those that are students of the Bible you may remember the story of the money lenders tables being turned over in the Temple.

Well well dear friends it seems that is old hat as the Church Of England is going into the Money lending business in direct competition to Now Pilton Sucks usually stays clear of religion and all it’s mine fields but on this one we won’t.

It appears that the COE are up in arms and rightly so about the interest charged by these money lending crooks. So the COE will charge less interest and still do well. Many see organised religion as a money making business so why not get into the money lending business.

Pilton Sucks has another view. These money lending sharks pray in the main on peoples misery and poverty and charge criminal interest rates. For those old enough to remember the provident will also remember the very high rates of interest they charged. Shut these bastards down or at least regulate them. We at Pilton Sucks support the use of Credit Unions and we believe this is the way people should save and borrow money. Most Communities have access to Credit Unions and we in North Edinburgh are no different.

We understand the Government is going to invest around £30 million in Credit Unions and we applaud this. Sometimes society has to be protected from itself, and with these loan shark companies this is one of these times.

Busmans Holiday

Friends and readers

It has reached the ever vigilant ears of Pilton Sucks that local democrat and peoples champion, Pete the perm Strong our noble neighbourhood manager and Labour Party fund raiser, is rumoured to be heading for the sunnier climes of fun packed Blackpool.

Knotted handkerchief and string vest already packed our mate and regular Sucks reader Pete is all set for the party capital of Northern Britain. Not only will he be able to book his deckchair in advance he will be able to see a working Tram system, now there’s a novelty. Prada should have visited sunny Blackpool instead of Dublin to see an all singing and dancing Tram system, probably a bit down market for her with all the discarded fish supper left overs and to many working class types to boot.

We hear Pete is going by luxury coach, one with a toilet that you can flush when it’s stationary. We hope Pete comes back fully engaged and invigorated so he can continue to shaft the punters with his version of local democracy. Don’t forget the sticks of rock and the kiss me quick hats Pete.