Monthly Archives: October 2013

Sorry Mr. Leopold

Friends and readers.

Heard the one about the young mother who went into Scotmid, got stuck in the queue and came out a grandmother. Or the one about Henry 2 jobs Houdini Coyle our local dedicated Housing manager who was actually caught doing something for the Community. These and more legends from the Forth are born to give us a laugh although both in Scotmids case and 2 jobs coyle there is more than a grain of truth in both.

But dear friends and there is always a but the laughs don’t stop there, for as quick as you can say shell suit along comes once again the ace chancers with their outdoor swimming pool, oops sorry Lido and added delights, yes dear friends supported by the Labour loving NEN it’s our old friends the Granton Sur Mer brigade, with our old mate and rusty car driver hidden in the shadows Ross I’m your buddy McEwan. Our mate Ross an expert in just about every subject he cares to drone on about, actually we think our mate Ross gets a mention in the doomsday book, how apt.

Along with his disciples in the Granton improvement society their aim is to gleam as much taxpayers cash as they can, offer us mana from heaven then tell us we are lucky to have them in our midst, Hmm don’t think so. But dear friends the comedy show dosen’t stop there, oh yes the mirth continues in the form of our freedom fighter and Neighbourhood manager Pete the perm Strong whose value to the deoderant industry is priceless.  Sucks reader Pete is determined to do all he can to make sure that only the chosen few are represented at the top table where they can break bread last supper like and share out the spoils of selected democracy.

In this task he is robustly supported by our very own dog fouling czar Cammy squint tie Day, the resident chair of the Partnership. Cammy and his ageing band of philistines are keen to close ranks and pontificate about the need to spread the word, we have two for them but as we are a family website we couldn’t possibly print them. And just as you think the laughs couldn’t get any better along comes the very aptly named DOG [Development Options Group] whose secrecy rivals that of area 51 in the Nevada Desert. We don’t think that DOG has captured a flying saucer but they certainly don’t let the cat out of the bag when it comes to Community accountability.

Their secrecy is ledgendary, nobody really knows what they do, who is involved in it and why on earth it is needed, and of course who is the leading light in their little cabal, why it’s our old mate and avid sucks reader Henry 2 jobs Houdini Coyle.  There will be of course a couple of head nodding Community reps involved but they will be vastly outnumbered by this official led nonsense. DOG is nothing more than an exercise in job justification and a poor one at that. Let us move on dear friends to another exercise in a classic comedy piece, that being the proposel to build a handful of houses in Muirhouse and then take 9 years to build them.

You just couldn’t make this shit up. Of course our mate Cammy fully endorses this comic venture, but clearly hasn’t thought it through, so here we go Cammy. 715 houses in 9 years, yes 9 years, to be undertaken by a firm based in Ayrshire with the cost being around the 42million pound mark, how’s that for value for dosh and we don’t think. By the time they are built it will be time to demolish them again. Next we will be told they are planning to build a Tram Track down sunny Muirhouse way, AHH WHERE’S THE TRAMADOL. The very thought of having Prada’s face plastered everywhere would be to much to take.

There is enough material to have a Walt Disney remake of Fantasia or even better Snow White and the seven Twats, auditions coming to a center near you shortly. Plenty of candidates for the role of Snow White and just as many for the seven twats. Talking of twats and you can have your wide and varied choice,  but there is no-one who comes close to claiming the top prize more than our old mate, regular sucks reader, pretty much chair of everything, inspired Tram champion, pot hole supremo, flag waving unionist Forth Estuary board chair and now alongside the dirty tricks, desperate potential Labour candidate for Leith and North Edinburgh, yes the one and only thank God Lesley Prada Hinds Harvey Nic’s favourite shopper.

Pilton Sucks just loves our oldest mate Lesley whose blunders are legendary and rightfully takes her place alongside the all time top chancers who have graced our Community. Much has been said and written about our oldest mate but without our Lesley we would never have had half of the laughs that we have enjoyed. Nobody fucks it up like our Lesley, she is in a class of her own and boy do we appreciate the mileage that our bestest mate has given us all.

Weather you are enjoying a toilet free bus trip to Inverness or enjoying what’s left of the vanishing green space of Forth, or are for the hell of it spending your hard earned dosh in the quality free shops of the rarified atmosphere of the infamous Drylaw shopping center and we use that word loosely, you can delight in the exploits of Comrade Hinds.  Don’t leave us for the glamour and bigger wages of Holyrood Lesley,  Don’t dip your nose further in the trough, stay with the plebians and grace us with your words of wisdom. How on earth would the peoples favourite web site Pilton Sucks fill the gap you would leave.

Same Old Rubbish

Friends and readers

Pilton Sucks as ever has it’s vigulant ears to the ground and information has reached us that our old mate, regular sucks reader, pretty much chair of everything, inspired Tram champion, pothole supremo, flag waving unionist and now Forth Estuary board chair Lesley Prada Hinds has been up to a bit of mischief making.

It appears if rumours are correct and normally where Prada is concerned they are, she has made noises that fellow comrade Angela Blacklock has managed to recruit some new members in the ongoing saga of candidate selection in North Edinburgh and Leith. The inference is that comrade Blacklock would use the votes of these members to make sure she was selected as the candidate.

Of course an investigation will take place which defeats what Prada had in mind as this will delay a sucessor to the retiring Malcolm Chisholm. Prada would have perceived that she would be selected quicker, but that has now backfired. So dear friends it’s business as usual with the comrades doing what they do best, stab each other in the back.

Pilton Sucks couldn’t give a dam who the comrades select to contest the North Edinburgh  and Leith seat, as long as it’s not Prada. Our old mate and regular sucks reader would be a disaster for this constituency. But if the worst case scenario did happen we have the very person in mind to oppose her, if indeed he could be persuaded to stand something we understand  is at this time he is reluctant to do.

Here We Go Again

Friends and readers.

Just as you thought it was safe to go out, we hear a nasty rumour that the SUR MER brigade are at it again. Yes dear friends word has reached the ever vigulant ears of Pilton Sucks, that the chancers are back in town trying to squeeze a few quid out of the public purse and con a few mugs into the bargain.

Although our old mate and avid Sucks readers Ross McEwan dosen’t seem to have popped his head above the parapits, it would be no surprise if he was up to his neck in this fly by night project. It appears from what we have heard that this mob are still after the walled garden, for nothing of course and we anticipate that this coven of chancers would be looking for a handout as well.

A reliable source at City level has informed us that there is a dubious e-mail doing the rounds inviting everybody and his cousin for a site visit, to listen presumably to the grand plans for this part of sunny Granton. We wonder if the outdoor swimming pool or Lido to the culture vultures is still on the cards, it’s such a stupid idea it probably is.

Eco houses on the site of the former Royston School, funded by the taxpayers of course but fronted by our old mate and rusty car driver Ross. We admire our old mate Ross for his persistency and brass neck, but Eco houses funded by a council who are in need of capital receipts are unlikely to speculate with the punters money particularly when our old mate Ross is involved.

But it seems this time he has twigged that the Council would run a mile from anything our old mate is involved in, so he has decided not to put his name to this latest request for a handout on the back of a hair brained scheme. Granton Sur Mer, that should have the locals on the edge of their seats, wondering if their favourite art works will be put on display, or not bother prefering to remain with their fingers firmly in their butts, sighing that they have heard all this shit before, promises of this and that but in reality just a few quid for the favoured few and a Community mugged yet again by a bunch of chancers soley interested in their own interests and fuck everyone else.

Call us cynics but Pilton Sucks has seen it all before, big promises of a new beginning with inward investment a plenty, only to be shafted with just a few benefitting out of it, just dear friends look at the Waterfront Development, run by a bunch of inexperienced chancers who fell for all the glossy shit, and a wee extension here and there, oh yes we know about that as well.

Our old mate Ross and his band of brigands are just another bunch of chancers who see an opportunity to grab a few quid without putting any in themselves. And dear friends how is it done? Very simple,  convince a few gulible punters that it’s a good idea and there might be something in it for them, and really it’s good for the Community, honest it is, Aye of course it is.

The North needs investment and infrastructure, but not this crap. Pie in the sky ideas that offer nothing to a Community who have seen these types of chancers come and go many times before. We need proper housing and retail development in this Community, not a handful of part time jobs cleaning up someone elses shit. So our advice to our mate Ross and his band of chancers, stick to cutting grass and a bit of landscaping, at least that might improve the area and not cost the taxpayer a few quid which they would see nothing for and certainly not benefit from.

The Good Ship Independence

Friends and readers.

Pilton Sucks as ever likes to be even handed and so by way of a few thoughts of our own we offer up in our opinion the positives and negatives of Scottish Independence. Please feel free to comment.

Let’s start with the positives as we see them.

Relations between Scots and English are deteriorating. Independence would free Scotland from dependency and England from resentment. An amicable no-faults divorce is better than a bickering marriage.

Semi independence is unsatisfactory. Fiscal powers and economic control remain at Westminster. Independence will allow Scotland to cut business taxes to promote economic growth.

Inpendence would give Scotland clout where it matters, a seat at the UN and in the EU Council of Ministers. Scottish interests eg. fisheries and agriculture are poorly served in Brussels by UK ministers.

Britishness is dying. Scotland has it’s own parliament, it’s own laws and legal system. National feeling and self-confidence are high. It is time to take the next step


Now the negatives.

Scotland has more influence in Brussels as part of the UK than it could have as an independent state.

The integrated British economy is more capable than an independent Scotland would be of meeting the challenges of globalisation. Likewise having independent defense and security structures would over strain Scotlands resources.

Scots should recognise that devolution has put England at a disadvantge, and should push for reforms to the way Westminster works.

There is a gap between public spending in Scotland [40 billion pounds] and revenue raised here [27 billion pounds]. A Scottish government would have to choose between higher taxes and cuts in public services.

We could go on but that’s enough to be going on with. Pilton Sucks is convinced that information is the key to the door of victory for the side that makes the strongest case. This could be a once in a lifetime opportunity to make a change or not as the case may be. It’s not the people who are voting yes or no that have to be convinced of the case for Independence or not, but those yet to make their mind up.

We look at the turnouts at both national and local elections and they are pathetic. This alone could hand victory to the no campaign. For those that don’t bother to vote for reasons only known to them, we suggest that regardless of your feelings towards the political process just look at how the Tories are actively destroying our very fabric of life and how this same bunch are in favour of retaining the union. Look at how the official oppostion are fumbling around in the dark desperate to find something that will court middle England and not allienate their core vote.

The official opposition in Scotland are openly silent on the crisis growing around the refinery at Grangemouth. The official opposition in Scotland are in favour of retention of the union. The official opposition in Scotland are in favour of means testing at a time when the Tories in England are destroying the welfare state. Again the official opposition in Scotland are in favour of retention of the union. The official opposition in Scotland cannot sneeze without asking London Labour for a handkerchief. The Tories and the Lib-Dems in Scotland are a nonentity but are partners in crime at Westminster.

At a time when the Westminster Government is powerless to stop the utility cartels from screwing the consumers, all they offer is, change your supplier, try it and see what happens, we in Scotland have to suffer the consequences of Tory weakness. Right now we have around 80,000 empty houses thanks to the Tory defence cuts in Scotland yet we cannot access this property to put back into the housing chain because the MOD say’s no, and bleat about wanting a capital receipt. An independent Scotland may find it easier to access this unused and empty property.

It’s about the economy stupid and that’s where the heart of the argument is. Forget the flag waving and all that braveheart shit. If the debate and arguments can prove beyond reasonable doubt that Scotland would be better off as an independent state then clearly that’s the way to go. If the argument and debates cannot make the case for being better off in an independent state then forget it and stay with the devil you know. But don’t sit on the fence and get splinters in your backside, make up your mind on the facts presented and vote accordingly.

Sing Like A Bird Tweet Tweet

Friends and readers

As most of the frustrated residents of Edinburgh will know, another street after years of closure has opened. Shandwick Place is open again after being closed for an eternity due to the 90million pounds a mile Tram line construction.

But lo and behold our old mate, regular sucks reader, catwalk queen, pretty much chair of everything, inspired Tram champion, pot hole supremo, flag waving unionist, and now Forth Estuary board chair Lesley Prada Hinds was nowhere in sight despite rumours to the contrary. Unelected officials took the decision because our old mate and regular sucks reader was enjoying the sights elsewhere.

But our old mate and regular sucks reader, never one to miss an opportunity and a bit of self congratulations, claimed credit from afar via Twitter. Maybe if she had gone on a permanent vacation we would have had more progress, and who knows less money spent. We hope our old mate and regular sucks reader is topping up her spray on tan in some exotic location somewhere, and God forbid mixing with the plebs.

So while Rome burned as Nero fiddled, Edinburghs very own mind boggling expensive disaster was being dampened down as  Nero in designer heels enjoyed a far from earned break.

Mindless Greed

Friends and readers.

Once again the Utility cartels are putting the prices up, and sticking two fingers up to both Government and the mug punters. They are well aware they can do what they like and nobody can do a thing about it.

Government are powerless with their fingers up their asses while the power companies just laugh and ram up the cost of lighting and heating. That dear friends is privatisation in action, privatised by the same lot that are in office now, albeit different faces but the same clotted cream brigade, rich and thick.

Rises of 8% plus will put many people in a serious sitution come the real cold weather, and all we hear is It’s nothing to do with us. Oh yes it is. If the Government had any balls which they don’t then these greedy bastards should be hauled over the coals[no pun intended] and forced to withdraw these unjustified increases.

Scottish Gas are the latest crooks to rocket up the cost of heating and lighting, and then come up with pitiful excuses as to why they are forced to do it. Ah didums you will make us all cry such is your hardship. Not forgetting the 2 million quid the greedy grinning Gas boss Weston is getting. May Pilton Sucks remind all you poor bastards that will have to pay these dreadful increases that it was only in May that these vultures said they would use the extra profits they made last winter to hold off any price hikes.

Lies and the consumer has once again been betrayed by one of the big six utility cartels. Weston commented like the thicko he is that he was very aware of the impact this will have on families particularly at this time of year. Put this fucker on a public platform with Pilton Sucks and we will tear him apart, quite simply a useless individual who sits on his fat ass and couldn’t give a toss about any hardship that will face customers.

If this nation had any fight left not only should we not pay the increases, we shouldn’t pay at all, what are these idiots going to do cut us all off. Fuck them someone has got to fight against these crooks and it certainly isn’t going to be their pals the Tories.

How many vulnerable people will be pushed into fuel poverty whilst these greedy bastards continue to rake it in. How much shit are the people of this nation prepared to put up with before we fight back. It’s no use saying we can’t do anything, of course we can, don’t pay. Write in to Pilton Sucks demand a face to face with this fat cat and we at Pilton Sucks are more than willing to go face to face with this creep, and make him look the ass he is.

The Tories abandoned us by selling what was ours, and now we are made to pay through the nose and every other orifice in order to stay alive this winter. Pilton Sucks is no stranger to being abandoned when backs are against the wall and we know only to well the price that has to be paid. And once again we are abandoned this time by an Eton elite whose only desire is to break the backs and will of a people savaged by the onslaught they have already received.

We are at war, without any kind of defence mechanism and don’t these utility crooks know it. But once again it is us the people who have the power to stop this robbery, it is us the people who should be in the driving seat, but it is us the people that are mere targets for the fat cats who steal our money and are backed by their spineless pals in Government. Instead of being conned by the coming of another money spinner Xmas, throw off the shackles of ignorance and fight back. Don’t bury your head in the sand, spend money you shouldn’t, organise and fight back.




The Golden Miles

Friends and readers.

Congratulations to Professor Peter Higgs who received the Nobel prize for coming up with the theory of the God Particle. Professor Higgs developed his theory back in the 1960′s, but the proof only surfaced in 2012 with the advent of the Hadron Collider, which is dear friends a 27 kilometer circular tunnel buried somewhere on the Swiss-French border, which is designed to smash atoms together.

At one time a lawsuit was threatened, because it was claimed smashing atoms together would create black holes which might threaten the planet itself. But then again we might just need a black hole expert since the road network of this City seems to be disappeaing into them We all know that there are roads in this City which are more holes than they are tarmac. Talking of black holes we have a major one in Edinburgh City which would baffle even the humble Professor Higgs, where exactly did the 800millon pounds spent on the Tram projects go.

There have been more convincing explanations for how the universe was created than where that huge sum of money went Put another way it cost approximately 3billion pounds for the Hadron Collider and has been described as one of the great engineering feats in mankind’s history. All told the cost broken down comes in at around 150million pounds a mile.

Meanwhile dear friends our hotly anticipated knicker wetting Tram system has cost up to date, 90million pounds a mile. Still dear friends we have the consulation of knowing that one of the great scientific mysteries of creation has been solved. We are now aware that the most incredible dense stuff in the universe can be found in charge of the trams scheme.

Bunch Of NIMBY’S

Friends and readers.

We have it on good authority that the cardboard development proposed for City Park was given approval on Thursday 3-10-13. A disgraceful corrupt decision driven by money and nothing else. Let us be very clear on this, the Community was completely ignored and legislation ignored in an attempt to push through the build of cardboard houses.

No section 75′s have been published, nor anyone that objected was informed, in fact if it was not for us at Pilton Sucks no buggar would know, how’s that for the democratic and accountable process. Cammy squint tie day dosen’t give a toss, he has his eyes on Edinburgh West and fancies his chances but we must say history is against him. His colleague Malcolm Chisholm has been the only elected member to see the state of things  and we understand is pushing for the Parliamentary Petitions Committee to sort this mess out, which we must say has cross party support.

Despite what we have been told S an H have not issued a licence to destroy the badgers sets which is what has happened and dear friends our badger friends are a protected species in Scotland. And again despite what has been spun, no contact with roads and the drainage situation has not been resolved. And dear friends should you care to walk across the bridge at Pilton Drive you will notice a severe crack on the left hand side of the bridge, not helped by current construction taking place at the Strada complex.

These idiots don’t give a dam about the dangers of the bridge becoming dangerous, if it not already is and continue to park their very heavy articulated lorries on the pavement and road. Who the hell is monitoring this situation, so Pilton Sucks will photograph this widening crack and post it on the site. We were contacted by a concerned resident who tried to pass one of these monster trucks and could not because the idiot was parked on the pavement. So again Pilton Sucks will have camera handy and catch these balloons.

So this sneaky process is under way regardless of breach of legislation, funny thing is and almost ironically, in a related story the decorators are in Silverlea care home, and the residents are being removed elsewhere without choice. So money is being spent bringing it up to Care Commission requirements, residents being removed for up to about six months and the the place shut. Most will be shunted to Ferryfield which is not suitable as facilities are not in place so money will be spent to instal them. This sounds daft close one down because of work but keep another open when work is underway.

It gets much better once you realise that once Silverlea is given it’s makeover it will be shut and demolished, yes dear friends you just couldn’t make this shit up. Waste money at one end and shaft the Community at the other in an attempt to make a fast buck. That’s how much the Comrades and their flunkey’s care about residents needs and requirements. Wasn’t it the case that Ferryfield didn’t have it’s problems to seek as it was shown that 80% of their staff did not have English as a first language.

Who votes for these asses. Away and get a real job.


Walkabout, Oh No

Friends and readers.

There is a nasty rumour circulating around that our old mate, regular sucks reader, catwalk queen, pretty much chair of everything, inspired Tram champion, pothole supremo, flag waving unionist and now another string to our old mates bow Forth Estuary Transport Authority convener,  Lesley Prada Hinds, where does she get the time.

The rumour is that our mate Prada was spotted skulking round the Forth ward with her sorcerers apprentice and dog fouling czar Cammy squint tie Day. Hope she obeyed the protocol and informed the other elected members she was poaching for votes on their patch. Mooching around it appears that the backgreen association captured her and complained about not getting the stand pipe they were promised, something we must say was authorised some time ago by the Clean Green and Safe action group, one of the action groups Cammy and his mates shafted in a make believe attempt to bring more democracy to the Forth Neighbourhood Partnership, total bullshit.

So our Lesley contacted Neighbourhood manager come chancer Pete the perm Strong whose bum cheeks must have flapped because it was installed the following day.  So maybe we will be subjected to our Lesley in designer yellow jacket and matching hard hat photographed by her cronies at the NEN standing beside a newly installed standpipe and avoiding the dog poo [where's Cammy when you need him] Hopefully that’s the last sneaky visit by the catwalk queen who is desperate to dump the tedium of local authority hum drum for the glamour of Holyrood and of course the bigger wage packet.

We need Prada like a hole in the head, but her ego know’s no bounds, so if she is considering further forays into Forth maybe she could get a real job if she had the time that would be a novelty and she could mix with the punters whose votes she will sell her soul for. We could put a good word in for her with Scotmid where she could meet the voters regularly but it would be the same ones as the bloody queue never ends. So Prada could be vote moocher come queue controller. she may cadge a few votes but she would need devine intervention to reduce the queue in Scotmid.

Mona Lisa’s And Mad Hatters

Friends and readers

When most punters are still in the land of nod Pilton Sucks is beavering away bringing you the latest developments and scams within and around the North Edinburgh area. We have brought to you our very popular shitty jobs series, which has raised more than a few laughs amongst our wide and growing readership.

We have made our old mate, regular sucks reader, pretty much chair of everything, catwalk queen, inspired Tram champion, pot hole supremo, flag waving unionist, and now God help us, potential Labour candidate for Edinburgh  North and Leith, which includes us poor bastards in Forth, Lesley Prada Hinds a household name.

Now we have a cast of new charcters, just as funny as our Lesley, who also think they are doing us all a favour. We have dear friends our very own dog fouling czar Cammy squint tie day, and new girl on the block, former Goth Vicki the hat Redpath. Lurking in the shadows is our old mate and Council cadger, always on the lookout for the main chance as long as somone else is paying, the grand visar himself and driver of the rustiest car you have ever seen Ross sur mer McEwan. Our mate Ross is a gift for Pilton Sucks, as his scams and dodgy ideas all at the taxpayers expence of course has given us all a good laugh, and we do hope to see and hear much more of our mate Ross.

Then we have Community moaner and big girls blouse, tubby Thomas Brown who see’s a conspiracy everywhere and usually against him. Our mate Tam is needed as Community life might be quite mundane without the odd conspiracy theory, and our mate Tam is just the boy to deliver a whodunit. Then dear friends we have the only Tory in the village and mega fence sitter Alan, I was a worker once, Jackson. Now at least you know where you are with our right of center pal Alan who wants to drown at birth all these hideous non voting benefit scroungers [think we read that in his election leaflet] and bring back hanging for all those idle bastards[think that was in his election leaflet as well] No surprise then that our mate Alan was returned with a bigger majority by the socially aware and charitable inhabitants of leafy Trinity, where the sun always shines, that’s included in their Council tax, along with all those lovely coloured bins which brings such diversity to our lifes, especially when it’s windy and all the fucking shit in them blows all over the street and if your unlucky get a used nappy blown right smack bang in your face, but it’s middle class shit so it’s sweeter.

We also have the Labour backed NEN who never seem to go away and hang round like a bad smell, we would all die of shock if that lot ever put their head above the parapit and printed something worth reading. Even a racing section would make it worth using as standby toilet paper. We also have Telford College which to date is the College of futile education, has there ever been a College which has so many worthless crappy courses, surely this has got to improve, although there seems no sign of it, so hospitality here we come, whatever the fuck that is. Next if we wait long enough they will be offering an HNC for potential Scotmid employees, with high on the list, how to keep the lenghty queue from getting to small.

But dear friends we appologise if we left anyone out, it wasn’t intentional, so you won’t escape just a temporary reprieve. But our real star who is head and shoulders above everyone else and who consistently puts her two feet in everything she touches, never fails to rise to the occasion, can bugger things up at the drop of a hat, has a permanent invite to Harvey Nics, loves herself to bits, and dear friends is a true gift to Pilton Sucks, yes dear friends, it’s the one and thankfully only and winner of Pilton Sucks’s equivalent of the MBE, Lesley Prada Hinds. Lesley Prada Hinds S.U.C.K.S  It’s in the post.