Monthly Archives: December 2013

Did You Know

Friends and readers.

Here are some simple facts which you might want to think about in the run up to the referendum, and dear friends our new mates the Hotbox three are eligible to vote, God save us, so in between sampling the delights of Marrakech and Amsterdam tobacco, they might want to think about this as well, but we don’t hold out any hope.

There are two countries in the world where religious leaders are given a seat within their legislative body, one is Iran the other is the UK. The house of lords is in the main made up of a bunch of old rich white men. It’s the world’s second largest Parliamentary body, the first is the National Congress of China.

While most countries in the world have a written constitution, where all the basic rules for a country are on one document, and cannot be changed easily the UK decided that was not worth it and instead has an uncodified constitution made up of some laws, some conventions, some stuff written on post-it notes and whatever the Government of the day decides to do as the rest.

For example: There is no law stopping the Prime Minister from going to war without a vote in support from the house of commons. Now if that doesn’t grip the imagination of the Hotbox three now as potential voters then don’t what will.


Oh No We Can’t-Oh Yes We Can Pt2

Freidns and readers.

We carry on with some of the players in the Scottish Independence referendum,and another two for the stasus quo and Establishment rule.


Willie Rennie

Apparently this guy is the leader of the Scotish Lib-Dems, now there is a fun fact here, you have to go four pages into Willie Rennie search on Goggle to find this one.

Weaknesses-According to polls 50% of Scottis people don’t know who he is.

Strengths-Well he isn’t Nick Clegg.

Alistair Darling

It’s a little known fact about Alistair Darling that while the rest of his body ages, his eyebrows do not. That is why they’ve stayed so dark while his hair has drained of colour. Indeed some hypothesise that, when all other traces of humanity have gone, our cities destroyed and our civilization forgotten, the only thing remaining will be Alistair Darling’s eyebrows.

Former chancellor of the exchequer and current leader of the better together campaign ,  Darling is tasked with defending the union.

Strengths-A rarity, a Labour heavyweight who actually lives, sometimes in Edinburgh.

Weaknesses-Comes across poorly, and the former marxist portray’s as a bit of a cardboard cutout.


Oh No We Can’t-Oh Yes We Can.

Friends and readers.

In the run up to the referendum, Pilton Sucks will give our view of the players involved. We start with Prime Minister David Dobbin Cameron and Johann Lamont leader of the Scottish Labour Party or the other Unionist Party.

David Dobbin Cameron

Currently Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, leader of the first coalition since the war and all round wanker. Cameron is not great at his job, he failed to win in 2010 against sitting duck Gordon Brown. Leading a coalition has also given him special responsibility of making not one but two political parties unpopular.

He doesn’t seem to be that interested in Scotland, he spends much of his time thinking about the referendum on the UK’s Europe Union membership.

Weaknesses- Noticeable increase in support for independence anytime he enters the debate, pretty crap at winning elections.

Johann Lamont

Leader of the Scottish Labour Party, an amalgamation everyone’s favourite Auntie. Elected to the leadership post, with more responsibility than her predecessors.

Strengths-Has one great line of attack. ”You can’t have a Nordic style welfare state with American tax rates. If she had one of these for every day between now and the referendum, they would be fine.

Weaknesses- In 2011, when Labour were wiped out at the polls, they were led by Iain Gray with Lamont as his deputy. The campaign was a disaster and there was a whole rethinking of the party. Think of it like the bit in an independent film where the protagonist stares out of a bus window whilst a dreary song plays on the buses music system.

Currently the Scottish Labour Party is lead by Lamont with Iain Gray shadowing at finance. Again think of it as a bit in an independent film where everything looks hopeless because the characters have learned absolutely nothing.

We will have two more profiles of the leading players in the upcoming referendum  on Scottish Independence soon. Keep reading

One Step Forward One Two Steps Back

Friends and readers.

Our friendly Neighbourhood Partnership has come up with an early new years resolution. Could it be that that they have seen the error of their ways and return to the once successful partnership that it was, or dear friends are they determined to stay as a third rate oufit which only panders to those that shout the loudest.

During this year we have witnessed the operational shutdown of the Partnership, a Partnership that was looked on with envy by other Partnerships as the correct way to do business. Bit by bit it was reduced as local accountability was minimised It was said that Forth Neighbourhood Partnership was the only one to have all their action groups chaired by members of the Community. Now there is none. What happened, why fix something that wasn’t broken. Well we spoke to someone who had experienced  what went on and we were told that, some of the old guard had their noses put out of joint when they were stripped of their power after the election of the SNP Lib Dem coalition. At last it appeared that the Labour practice of the chosen few had been ended. Things opened up, new ways of doing things came along, then came Pete[formerly the perm] Strong as Neighbourhood  Manager and things started to drift.

Another election came along and the balance of power shifted and Labour returned in a coalition with the SNP but you would know that as Labour are clearly making all the running, and that’s with Andrew Burns as leader. Forth previously had been a Labour stronghold, which had been lost, but had in some form now returned. Enter the old guard stage left cobwebs and all. And fast forward to the present and what do we have, the old guard back shouting and bawling about this and that, and back to their old tricks of isolating anyone who disagrees with them.

Suddenly faces we thought had gone for good start to make a comeback, with the same old claptrap which got us nowhere and only favoured the few. Take a look at the website it’s so far out of date Prada Hinds had a smile on her face and she’s not even on it. No accountability, no communication and now little or no consultation. The successful action groups have been done away with and now delegated authority takes precedence. Delegated authority ie Pete and our dog fouling czar Cammy can now hand out dosh and for some questionable projects.

That alongside the huge waste of money that is Total Craigroyston[ what have they actually done] and of course the mysterious DOG and since it’s packed with Council employees how much is that costing,  to achieve nothing. The drains are blocked, the pavements are a mess, dog shit everywhere[where's cammy when you need him]  and this is progress?

Without experienced hands on the tiller, we have gone back the way. the monumental  error of removing the action groups which we are told where chaired by some of the most experienced people in this country never mind Edinburgh and their success proved that. We obtained by request who exactly chaired these action groups, and this confirmed the view that we were told. It then follows what happened could only have been done by political intent and interference, what else could it be.

Now Forth has slumped down the league not by it’s own hands but by the hands who seen that things were moving but not in their direction. This can only be achieved because of the apathy of the majority. Instead of pulling together and achieving the best for the Community, we are the victims of Party policies and philosophies and lack of leadership at the center to try and stop the dismanteling of Forth.

The Essential Sucks

Freinds and readers.

Now you have downed the last of that awful sticky and calorie ladden Xmas pudding, and that half eaten Toblerone is still bereft of friends, comes the aftermath and the put upon parent revenge, now what could that be, ah yes we know what about mothers ruin Thai Red Curry.

Some enlightened punters say that this particular delicacy can have repercusions on the amount of visits to the toilet. Or this particular dish could be the touchpaper that sets off the 7 yes 7 firework displays from the Castle. Nothing like watching money going up in smoke. But never the party poopers we at Pilton Sucks think that 7 firework displays is a bit over the top and we know a few worthies that could be tied on to some of the rockets being fired from the castle.

So as the ravenous punters get stuck into their late night Thai Red Curry and settle down to watch match of the day, let us think of the put upon parent and friend of Pilton Sucks. The Essential ingredient of any Curry is the aroma of last weeks washing, plus a sprinkling of the food that the cat turned her nose up at. It might be that the half eaten Toblerone could be in line as an ingredient and why not.

But by chance if our newest mates the Hotbox three were to have a late night curry washed down by a blast of Morocco’s finest then the eye of a needle and toilet visits would be the order of the day[think about it] The cat has turned into a flying furry thing as she too has been a guest in the Hotbox. Now as the night takes a firm hold and our minds turn to the next day, our Hotbox three are still in party mode for them it’s still Xmas eve and time has stood still and will till Hogmanay when the Hobox will rumble to the sounds of screeching teens and strange smells.


He’s Behind You

Friends and readers.

This as you all know as do our newest friends the Hotbox three is the Pantomime season, and we at Pilton Sucks wondered what our friends the comrades in the Labour Group would put on as a show to enter into the spirit of the season.

With a reasonably large cast to choose from, could it be the pied piper, Jack and the beanstalk or even Snow White and the seven twits. They have a ready made Snow white in our oldest and bestest mate, the chair of practically everything including the Panto Committee although we don’t think she will get a responsibility allowance for that Lesley Prada Hinds, But the self styled handsome prince and group leader Andy Burns thought she might be more suited to the Wicked witch, better watch your back Andy a leadership challenge could be on the way, so don’t eat anything out of the Scotmid selection boxes that Prada handed out to her comrades.

So dear friends and fellow Panto fiends the scene is set for a spectacular show stopping Panto complete with Donkey, wonder who the tail end of that will be, lots of contenders we feel. Our mate Prada requested a gown from Harvey Nic’s but an off the shelf number from  TK Maks would have to suffice, feeling being that this would relate more to the punters that come to see this extravaganza. Cammy squint tie day wanted to be the punter who handed the poisoned apple  to the innocent Snow white, when he found out it might be Prada he wanted a bag of dodgy apples, Scotmid my son bound to get dodgy apples there if you can suffer the queues.

Vicki the hat Redpath is a cert for one of the seven twits she certainly has the head gear. Our mate Gordon Munro who has formed an alliance to stop Prada becoming group leader will be well cast as the mysterious cloaked stranger quoting from the oracle,beware the shadow of the one who wears the gown from TK Maks. Being a pantomime there is of course artistic licence so there will be a number of other incidentals inserted into the production. We anticipate three blind mice being turned into magnificent horses to draw the carriage which will carry our Heroine [no not the injected type] to the handsome prince as he turns tail and runs to the safety of his Prada proof bunker.

Sue three jobs Bruce will be playing Buttons, can’t say she earns that not with her new income stream, ”SHE’S BEHIND YOU” ”GOD I HOPE NOT” Henry 2 jobs Coyle has been invited to audition for the part of the spirit of Xmas past, should suit 2 jobs down to the ground he’s perfect for the part, can never locate him anyway, and rumour has it that he doesn’t exist at all and he’s just a myth made up by Pete[formerly the perm]Strong so blame for nothing happening can be lumped onto Houdini Coyle. HE’S BEHIND YOU” NO CHANCE OF THAT”

Pete of course has a leading part and rightly so being a firm supporter of the comrades, and so he has been cast as the 5th columnist, once again perfect casting, ”HE’S BEHIND YOU ”AH BUT WE HAVE PROTECTIVE ARMOUR ON” Our mate Cammy is bringing his pet dog so he can enact his czar role on stage along with his poop a scoop. HE’S BEHIND YOU” ”OH NO THAT MEANS DOG SHIT TOO” The extras will come from the rank and file once their dodgy membership has been checked, and their Unite subs are up to date.

Tickets will be on a first come first served basis and this pantomime will run all year.

The Gods are?

Friends and readers.

Our wide and growing readership are fully aware that the Olympian Gods were the main gods of ancient Greece after overthrowing their ancestors the Titans. The Olympian Gods lived on Mount Olympus the highest mountain in Greece, built by the Cyclops. The leader of the Olympian Gods was Zeus.

As Pilton Sucks is always on the look out for the unusual, we pondered on this very point of actually how did these Gods get the ancient Grecian punters to buy into the deal, we rule you obey or face the consequences. Very few punters apart from our wide and growing readership and the Hotbox three of course realise that there was voting in ancient Greece, so our grecian punters actually voted for the Gods to run the show. Some people never learn.

Let us dear friends turn our ever quizzical attention to the modern day self appointed Grecian Gods, yes it’s the Bullingdon Boys who came from Eton on High and with puppy dog eyes and promises of a Britain free of benefit scroungers, and replaced by the tax dodgers who payed homage to the Bullingdon Gods they seeked favours from.  We will pay you to safeguard our ill gotten gains and we the tax dodgers will forever be your slaves less VAT of course.

And so it came to pass that the Bullingdon Boys did keep their word and hounded the benefit scroungers,  even if they were sick, or disabled they were all scroungers to the Gods from Eton on high.  And our Bullingdon Boys once again came to the rescue of the hard pressed tax dodger, offering them immunity through stealth and allowing them to dodge further as long as the contributions or offerings kept coming. The Gods of Bullingdon created a recession which further offered them the opportunity to crush any moaning and groaning from the poor, saying ”believe in us and we will bring you into our new Jerusalem, and if you don’t we will make your lives as miserable as possible”.

The peoples of the land ruled by the Gods of Bullingdon had for a considerable time become suspicious of the Bullingdon Gods, but feared as they had a rod of iron and ruled with it, as there was no opposition at all to their cruel inhuman ways. King David was the head of the clan with his sidekick Prince George or Gideon if you were brave enough to call him that, as those that had received the ultimate punishment, banishment from the Kingdom of Knightsbridge, and exiled to a far off land to sit in the corner of a principality called Scotsland where the malcontents and girners lived and had formed their own administration, where the Bullingdon exiles were few in number and were treated as a joke, except nobody laughed as the Bullingdon Gods thought of Scotsland as a place to test their awesome powers of destruction and with any fallout or disease restricted to these strange creatures who had come to hate the Gods of Bullingdon.

The hated Gods of Bullingdon had cast a spell on some of their opponents, who were Liberal of thought but greedy in spirit, and so it came to pass that David the leader of the Gods, offered the keys of the kingdom to a traitor who had previously sworn to fight the gods and their terrible promise to crucify the poor. This traitor  born out of the same cloth turned on the very people he had promised a fight for freedom. Clegg of the Libs a small band of back stabbing mutants, downed on the poor and joined forces with the Gods of Bullingdon, only to be sidelined and trapped by their own greed.

Mount Bullingdon was a haven of the privileged few who cast down their instructions from high, knowing full well that their aim was to crush any form of resistance, and to date it has worked. The historians will write the epitaph.

In the meantime beware of Bullingdons bearing gifts, and whatever you do don’t take that bloody Trojan horse indoors, you will still have to pay bedroom tax.

Not Enid Blyton

Friends and readers

Every so often Pilton Sucks likes to try and introduce new characters to our wide and growing readership. And indeed we have three newbies for your pleasure. We have mentioned them briefly in one or two of our posts, but today we introduce them formerly. Our latest friends in the North are Dopey, Deadloss and hopeless, otherwise known as the Hotbox three, of course the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Enid Blyton gave us the adventures of the famous 5, now Pilton Sucks will relate to you the adventures of the Hotbox three. Our three new friends in the North do actually exist, and as they leave the Acne ridden years behind and dip their toes into early adulthood, we will bring their journey to you with our own humorous slant.

Dopey, Deadloss and Hopeless live in a world of their own oblivious to what’s going on around about them, but are convinced like most of their age that they know it all, and that dear friends is where the laughs begin. Imagine if you will what a Hotbox actually is, it is dear friends a world within a world inhabited by a species who are still in the evolution mould and await the arrival of the grand wizard to endow them with the brains that seems to have bypassed them up to now.

The Hotbox has heating and lighting tapped of course from the adjacent house, with of course no contribution whatsoever to the utility bill, the very thought would have them choking on their badly rolled joint. The Hotbox also has seating which is ideal as the Hotbox three mumble incoherently and gently glide into a serene almost utopian plateau. Entering ever so gently into the adult world of silly things like work and tax and dig money, aye that’s a laugh, Dopey, Deadloss and Hopeless have got it all sussed, well in their still adolescent minds they have.

But of course our three friends need a helping hand to enjoy this world they inhabit and who better than our old friend the mug parent who as always picks up the tab wipes the asses and is of course the resident taxi, where the meter is never on. But those minor details aside the Hotbox three have got it made, and lets not forget a menu provided by the mug parent and this includes table service, no tip of course. Dopey, deadloss and Hopeless have a simple philosophy don’t think, don’t read anything and the world is made of green cheese.

Occasionally the put upon parent will offer board and lodgings at no extra cost and might even puff up the pillows so our Hotbox three can sleep comfortably, isn’t that nice. Dopey, Hopeless and Deadloss are determined to become connoisseurs of the delights of the various continental smokey things that have we are told certain pleasurable depending on your taste, experiences including changing colour as the white experience takes over. A rising appetite, incoherent conversations coupled with music that would waken the dead and a strange almost out of bodies existence where everything is handed to them with smiles and reverence.

The put upon parent has the strength of Hercules and the patience of Job but a head scratching puzzle as to what kind of world the Hotbox three actually inhabit. Nevertheless when the Hotbox gets damaged as it can do mainly through enthusiasm by our intrepid three, the Angel Gabriel otherwise known as maintenance man comes to the rescue, similar to the caped crusader and returns the Hotbox to the more smokie fied atmosphere it was before.

So Dopey, Hopeless and Deadloss can return to normal and enjoy all the hospitality of both the Hotbox and the generosity of the put upon parent. The Queen’s honours list is coming along soon, we wonder if put upon parents everywhere should not have a special honor reserved for them which details the patience, perseverance and  a durability which are special gifts which only the put upon parents can tell you about.

Keep reading for more adventures of Dopey, Hopeless and Deadloss,  the Hotbox three.

No Coconut For The Turkey And the Hotbox Dudes

Friends and readers

Put down your remote controlled helicopter, make sure what’s left of that bloody Turkey can be made into soup and treat yourself to Pilton Sucks the Xmas party animals and where the crackers are in the posts and you can laugh yourself into a daze for free, while you tie down the grandchild to the bed and nick a drag from the teenagers joint.

We’ve given you the party poopers, and sucks own version of a classic Xmas carol, we have got our prat of the year, the Trams are still not operational and the Tories are planning their next purge and witch burning policy. But sit back put the grandkid into the ensuite shed and enjoy the personal touch that only Pilton Sucks can offer. Are you ready then we will begin. With Jackie Bird threatening us with her ever grinning presence at Hogmany, you know the party from the Castle that was filmed in August we are at the mercy of the happy clappy brigade who get well paid to patronise us with the happy new year bollocks.

We have been subjected to everything from the White Heather club to strange people dressed in even stranger clothes singing songs that seem to be made up on the spot with a large Asda bottle of japanese whiskey lying half empty on a sodden table next to them. The same rent an audience who seem to appear at every televised Hogmany dirg must be put in cold storage in January and brought out on new years eve with a script that hasn’t changed for 50 years, laugh at everything and permanently clap.

You can of course freeze your bollocks off and be a complete tosser and stand in Princess Street doing what, God only knows, and dodging beer bottles flung by the bigger tossers who are stupid enough to pay the extortionate price that shit is sold at. Of course it’s all in good fun, can’t wait.  Our advice is forget it, it’s as bad as it looks on the telly. Oh and if you insist on joining the throng don’t drift to far from the mobile toilets as if you are caught short in that crowd then it’s wet drawers time. And another bit of constructive advice, if you must use the dreadful mobile toilets try and time it for if you visit these conveniences after a certain time then you are likely to be met with a tidal wave after they have been blocked by fag packets and plastic cups.

But the partying punters now how to enjoy themselves and so do the pickpockets who can hardly believe their luck, as do the punters who sell the blow up Scottie dogs and other strange inflatable objects. But as you nick another drag of the teenagers joint and try and fit those bloody batteries in that remote control and wonder how the hell something called an X Box can cost the price of a week in spain, and that’s full board. Once the dodgy fag has taken effect and you have managed to get your grandkid to sleep after hours of failed bribery you can destress and just begin to return to normality, but wait oh no the bloody teenagers have just come to life and need feeding, think it’s called the munchies, just a guess read it in the readers digest.

The hotbox comes to life lights, music, strange smells, action as a noise that would frighten even the most hardened of music critics blasts out from the gang hut and a discussion commences which even Aristotle would find impossible to decipher as the Amsterdam tobacco takes full effect. But our intrepid parent slogs over the gas cooker in a valiant effort to make a meal for the Hotbox three who by this time can barely remember what they were actually there for, but can still manage a chili packed number which looks not only good to eat but to the hotbox three smoke as well.

Oh and don’t forget you may be chauffeuring one or more of the Hotbox three home at some godforsaken hour,even if you have been in your bed for some considerable time. So the Xmas edition of House is a washout and the half eaten Toblerone looks bereft of friends amongst the tea towels wrapped in ribbon and a book on Psychopaths. But Jackie could be near as she brushes down her party frock and fills in her overtime sheet plus milage of course, and moans about having to compare another of these stupid shindigs which nobody ever watches as they have watched Chewing the Fat and it’s Only An Excuse, and can’t be bothered by Jackies rehearsed smile and having a great time through gritted teeth.

Where’s that LP of Pink Floyds Dark Side Of The Moon.




Good Day Henry Montague

Friends and readers.

Work Harder, work longer, no pension until we think you should get it, if at all. Give the wealthy some of their hard earned back dosh back and let the poorest pay the most. Make sure these horrible little poor people get as little as possible, what are they moaning about, there is plenty of food banks around. And since we have got such a surplus of cheap labour wages can be reduced and conditions worsened. Tell them things are getting better but you need some more of the good old austerity medicine just to make sure you lot don’t forget your place in the pecking order.

Let the good old bankers pay themselves what they like but tell them not to be so stupid as to get caught. Let the tax dodgers keep their assets in offshore accounts but hammer these terrible scroungers who scam the benefits system. Make it impossible to borrow money for silly things like home buying or infrastructure investment. And while we are at it let’s encourage the price of property to go through the roof and then we can force people into grossly expensive private rented property and into the hands of rogue landlords.

What the hell are the plebeians moaning about they still have gambling, and the Scotmid queues to keep them occupied. Friends and readers 21st century Tory led Britain has gone back to basics, Victorian values, and a smattering of Dickensian ideals. We are the people who run round the Fritz Lang wheel just ending up exhausted and numbed into submission. The Tories have no plans to review the potential new migrants from the East, why should they it’s offers the opportunity of a plethora of cheap labour and work till you drop and be thankful for it mentality.

It suits the establishment in fact it’s their vision of a new Britain, keep the people down and smash their will to resist, grab them by the throat, threaten them with further misery, keep them a hostage of poverty, and steal what you can from them, and if that isn’t enough we can get the rest by extortion. How do we accomplish that and not raise suspicion. Flatter them, tell them how much they are needed, play the we won’t harm you trick and when you have them trapped, then get stuck in, and if they threaten to resist, tell them it will get worse if you try to change things. Make sure any possible rescue attempt is quickly put to bed, realising that the more you threaten the more any opposition you might have had vanishes.

Remind you of anything. As well as a biltz on the perpetrators of Domestic Violence, we should as a nation put these national abusers to the sword. This lot of Bullingdon snooty twits who got elected by default and the ignorance of a voting population who should be ashamed of themselves have intent on the destruction of what remains of a welfare state which had helped millions of souls who otherwise would have been destitute.

Let us be very clear, this westminster Government propped up by the most spineless useless bunch of misfits ever to con the voters, will not be deflected from their vocation, and with legislation tie the hands of any other Government trying to mend the breaks. With Labour hardly able to muster any kind of sustained attack on Vatman and Dobbin, any kind of reprieve from this constant onslaught is very unlikely and unfortunately there is no backbone or willingness or leadership within the political classes to do anything about it.

There is little or no Union power left with which to carry out free collective bargaining [remember that] they themselves have run out of puff to continue any kind of resistance, and the recent display from both sides in the Grangemouth dispute highlighted exactly where the power lies, and believe this, every other organisation will have watched this farce unfold and they too will have seen a clear power shift,and begin to look at industrial relations in a different light, a light that will dim the rights of workers everywhere, and the replacement bulb is out of reach and it’s too expensive anyway.

The Labour Party have a lot to answer for in the part they played in an industrial dispute which has the potential to change industrial relations for the worst. Something else that plays into the hand of the Tories. Any rights working people have had is through fights, at times bitter but to be cherished as the Tories continue an eroding process that will have severe detrimental effects on this generation of working people and cataclysmic effects on future generations.

Where is the leadership, where is the courage to begin the fightback, does anybody really care, do those elected to office really have the metal and ability to lift the spirits and hopes of a nation that sees it’s fabric been torn to pieces, families torn apart, everything we hoped for and fought for lost forever. Who will stand by the people, who will come forward to put a stop to this abuse. Is there anybody out there, with an ounce of fighting spirit and a ton of heart who will act to stop this onslaught of economic abuse. Domestic violence indeed.