Monthly Archives: February 2014

Freedom Of Greed

Friends and readers.

Once more we see the Royal Bank Of Scotland losing bucket loads of cash and still giving out bonuses of half a billion pounds This bottomless pit has now lost more money than the original 42 billion pounds the taxpayer injected to save it from the financial dustbin.

Now Chief Executive Ross McEwan has admitted what we all already know, that RBS is the worst and least respected organisation in the sector yet it still pays out over half a billion pounds to a bunch of parasitic wasters who would fail basic maths exams. What does the guardians of the taxpayers purse do about it, why nothing of course. Not a squeak from Osborne, nothing from Cameron, just ignore it and it will go away.

Imagine what that half a billion pounds might have done in the public sector, for instance build several thousand social houses, creating jobs, collecting taxes, housing people who desperately need it. What stopped this Government on behalf of the taxpayer saying no to any bonuses, taking the half million pound and invest it in the nation. Not a vast amount of money in the scale of things but it would have sent the correct message out to this useless organisation.

Our interests are being ignored yet we own over 80% of this organisation, and we are further away than ever from getting our money back. McEwan is another tosser who couldn’t give a dam about what happens as he is doing alright thank you very much. His big announcement is a knight of the long knives on jobs and bank branches, the people in the front line who had no part in Goodwins criminal activity. He’s another fucker who is lying back enjoying his golden handout, when he should be at the very least queuing up in the job queue minus any pension or handout, but preferably should have been jailed for the major part he played in the destruction of our economy.

He is a financial criminal who put many many thousands in financial concentration camps then left them to rot. That bastard deserves to rot in hell, and it’s about time someone said it and stop pussy footing about, why is there no warrent for his arrest, why is he still able to enjoy the good life when tens of thousands of his victims suffer, and all the establisment does is remove his knighthood given to him by another incompetent Gordon Brown. Don’t think Goodwin will lose any sleep over that.

This bullying tyrant should be put on trial and the truth laid before the country instead of the Establishment covering it all up as they themselves are involved right up to their necks. 42 billion pound losses, half a billion given out in bonuses, job losses for the front line staff and this pathetic excuse for a Government do nothing. What is wrong with us that we do not rise up in revolt against this shitty system that allows the few to benefit and the many to pick up the tab.

We need to exercise the power we possess, unfortunately we elect people who haven’t the slightest intention of doing anything as they don’t know how. We do. Dismantle RBS place, taxpayers representatives on the board so they have the majority, and no not yes men but people with enough courage to say , fuck off you are not getting a penny and if you don’t like it piss off. What we have is the greedy feeding the greedy knowing that no-one has the courage or strength to do anything about it. And what do you know, they are right, as mealy mouthed workshy politicians wet themselves at the thought of taking any kind of proactive action against these criminals.

Cameron and Osborne, Establishment champions, have an alternative agenda. RBS support the constitutional status quo, so these two cardboard cutouts will do nothing to change that view, but is it not the case that being owned by the taxpayer RBS have a conflict of interest, you bet your life they do, and nobody bothers to raise it. We point out that they should put up or shut up, since their own house is in such a mess, what the hell gives them any kind of knowledge on what is best for the nation.

Public sector cuts, local democracy, what there is of it under threat, people being hammered for every penny that can be squeezed out of them as the powers that be come down hard on those who are blameless for this crisis. You see it’s easy attack those who are least able to fight back, blame them for everything, tax them to extinction, pat the real criminals on the back and then when the going gets tough for these parasites, bail them out with money from the same people who are being crucified, it’s much easier than bringing to justice their own kind, that wouldn’t be cricket would it.

So while McEwan and his bunch of misfit parasites enjoy their taxpayers bonuses, and then tell us they are going to have a cost cutting exercise, the people go on paying for their criminal errors. We offer caution. If you think voting Labour will change things, it won’t, they are deep in with this lot as well, and Miliband would just be a lamb to the slaughter. His plan would be to do what ever the Guardian Newspaper told him to do.


Shut Your Eyes And Pray

Friends and readers.

Our new friends in the North the Hotbox Three and hangers are giving our wide and growing readership lots of laughs, that is except the put upon parent. Dopey, Deadloss and Useless along with Moonie the sneak and Dotty Doris are constantly a calmanity waiting to happen. So it is with fear and trepidation that we hear on the grapevine that Dopey and Dotty are trying their hand at the ultimate nightmare for the put upon parent, DIY.

The put upon parent has already booked a suite at the Royal Ed in anticipation of the disaster to come. The D-Day landings seem like a cake walk compared to DIY Hotbox style. Mass evacuation from the surrounding neighbourhood is already underway at the thought of the Hotboxers even thinking about DIY, as well we know dear friends, thinking is not their forte. But undetered Dotty and Dopey are determined to think about it and take even longer to do it.

So hair extensions chucked to the floor resembling a dead rat, spray on tan put to one side and the ten inch nail extensions removed and placed safely as not to frighten the cat who has already done battle with the discarded hair extensions and lost, Dopey and Dotty set about their task with as much determination as a snail in a 100 metre sprint. First job is to find out how to open the tin of paint as there are no visible instructions, so the first setback results in a 4 hour sleep to recover from that blow.

Second initiative is to move the furniture out of the firing line, which proves problematic as it won’t move itself, so this second setback results in another 4 hour sleep to recover from the second blow. Meanwhile as  the problems grow, because no-one told them that you actually have to put paint to wall as it doesn’t go up itself, third setback, almost time to give up lock the door and put up a sign ”work and no progress”. Enter Deadloss and Useless who suggest that Moonie the sneak be contacted and some stress relieving tobacco come to their aid. So the infamous 5 sit down to discuss this mystery of DIY. Dopey cannot understand why it’s so complicated to open a tin and surely you just break it open with a hammer. Deadloss and Useless nod in agreement Dotty just continues spraying while Moonie the sneak tries to catch the pink elephants he is convinced are running about the garden.

This DIY lark requires a different approach, and Deadloss hits on a sure fire winner of an idea. Just leave it and nobody will notice, and if the put upon parent should ask just change the subject, or even better leave it long enough and the put upon parent will do it or will bribe the Angel Gabriel to take up brush and roller and miraculously turn a disaster into something resembling a finished product. Useless agrees and Dotty moans that she has run out of spray tan and glue to stick on the ten inch nail extensions.

So a dilemma rears it’s ugly head. The Hot Boxers can’t be assed doing it as it takes up good dossing time, The cat thinks it’s a toilet and the put upon parent contemplates the lesser of two evils jumping off the Forth Road Bridge, but stops short when realizing that no-one would cook the tea. make the beds, do the hoovering, wash the clothes and dishes, pay all the bills and be the unpaid chauffeur, fix the mysterious broken toilet seats, find some time for her favourite hobby, girning, babysit the screaming weans, find time to listen to her neurotic pal, who thinks that if the carpet is dirty it’s the end of the world.

The only other thing which could add salt in the wounds would be a visit from a woolly jerseyed Guardian reader, but that would be like winning the lottery and losing the ticket, so it’s unlikely and where do you get a wooly jerseyed Guardian reader when you want one. So the mystery of DIY remains to the infamous 5, just that a mystery. Dotty gave up the moment she seen a mirror. Dopey just gave up and decided to sleep on it. As for Moonie the sneak, he was last seen chasing a white rabbit who was riding on the back of a pink elephant. Useless grinned, and Deadloss took the huff as he seen his dossing days temporarily stopped, that’s the one big bonus in all this, no dossing for Deadloss who has made free loading an art.

What now for the DIY expedition. Well a few generations from now, when the new age Hot Boxers are chancing their arm, they may read about a time when their ancestors tried their hand at DIY, and puzzle as to why they even bothered, it’s too closely related to work, and look in wonder at the museum piece of an unopened paint tin and a hammer.

King Leopold’s Ghost

Friends and readers.

Pilton Sucks has maintained a stance that not only is domestic abuse unacceptable in whatever form it takes, the perpetrator must be made aware that the punishment for this terrible crime will be severe. We do not apologize for demanding that at the very least, a minimum custodial sentence of five years be imposed should a perpetrator be tried and convicted. We as a society must not tolerate this kind of hidden disgusting family shattering behaviour.

A very clear message must be sent out that no abuser will be allowed to walk the streets or sleep in their car or whatever other bullshit is on offer, and society will not tolerate under any circumstances, even dear friends and we say this with experience anybody including the victim and they do, helping to cover up this disgusting vile crime.  We understand the fear element in victims coming forward and given to date the judicial reaction and handling of domestic abuse it is understandable. So we as a society must empower the victim to come forward and tell her story.

In many cases and again we have the knowledge and experience, the perpetrator has all to easy access to the victim, who for her own reasons and they may well be viable decides to deal with the problem in her own way. Again there are mitigating circumstances but we warn of the inherent dangers of any form of communication once any business is settled. whether it be by text or phone call or accidental meetings, or just a simple cup of coffee, as long as the abuser who will always deny they abused such is their gutter mentality has or gets access to their victim then a real danger exists, so Pilton Sucks urges caution.

Violence against women continues to persist as one of the most heinous, systematic and prevalent Human rights abuses in the world. It is a threat to all women, and an obstacle to efforts for development, peace and gender equality in all societies.

Many women never report the abuse to police. This is partly because the abuse may not be physical and may not constitute a crime. We also wish to point out that stalking and harassment involve, unwanted persistent and often threatening attention such as following someone, constantly phoning texting or emailing them at home or work. This often occurs within the context of domestic abuse and something again Pilton Sucks has first hand knowledge of.

The domestic abuse[Scotland] act of 2011 tackles or is supposed to tackle one of family life’s most insidious problems, which can range in seriousness from minor assaults to serious constant assault to murder. Invariably all family members including any extended family and not just the primary target are affected by abuse within the family.

It is all too often a learnt behaviour that transmits down the generations with boys learning that violence is a means of achieving their wishes, and girls learning that victimhood is part of a woman’s lot. Well it’s not part of their lot and that’s why we must make it abundantly clear that the severest of punishments will be handed down to these insidious, degenerates who are convicted of domestic abuse.

We at Pilton Sucks are not wooly jerseyed Guardian readers who believe that the perpetrators of domestic abuse have rights, as far as we are concerned they are the scum of society and have absolutely the same rights as they handed out to their victims. We will leave the NIMBY’S [NOT IN MY BACK YARD] to bleat on about rights. This is very simple, we either punish the perpetrators or we don’t. Pilton Sucks is very clear, custodial sentences with a minimum 5 year term. Tagged when released with the knowledge that if they contact or go anywhere near their victim then it’s back to jail to await the judgement of the courts.

We must send out a message that gives confidence to victims to come forward, that say’s yes we will punish the abuser, and yes you will refrain from any contact which he will use to justify his position[yes we are aware of that as well] If you help us we will help you, if you make a complaint of domestic abuse there will be an immediate arrest, and the perpetrator put in custody. you will be given full support and backup. you will be encouraged to tell the authorities all that happened and the authorities will do their level best to secure a conviction, and they will also make sure that if and when released the perpetrator is tagged for a further minimum period of 5 years, and under no circumstances will he be allowed to contact you.

There can only be one way forward, and the way forward is to end this hidden disgusting, degrading cowardly behaviour.

A Real Obscenity

friends and readers.

Pilton Sucks the nations favourite blogsite has been doing some digging and what we found not only shocked and sickened us, it once and for all laid to rest the shit that Cameron told us, We are all in it together.

Members of our esteemed and noble Royal Family who many of us foolishly tug our forelocks at are pocketing thousands of pounds a year in housing benefit from their tenants. Last year the Crown Estate received around 40 thousand pounds from one council with round 15% going to her majesty.

The Duchy of Cornwell which gives Charlie his tax free income received 163,000 pounds from some councils in south-west England. We also uncovered some leading Tories and UKIP punters are wealthy private landlords making  a fortune from housing benefit. The number of private tenants getting housing benefit has doubled in 10 years and private landlords now recieve 9 billion pounds a year from the taxpayer.

HRH Lizzie is worth about 320 million pounds but the Crown Estate is worth at least 8.5 billion pounds. A private deal with Establishment chancellor Osborne gave Lizzie 15% of the revenue from the Crown Estate in what is nicely called an annual sovereign grant. The profits from the Estate rose 5% last year to 250 million pounds. Lizzies earnings rose from 30 million a year 38 million pounds.

We have gone from subsidising councils to build homes to subsidising private landlords to grow their property empires. This Government is nothing more than a puppet of the Establishment determined to make sure that the average person can never be in a position to change this practice of robbing the poor to give to the rich.

Pilton Sucks is clear. We want rid of an out of date, expensive, dilapidated class driven, greedy Monarchy which has no place in a modern society, and is the foundation of the class system. Never mind a referendum on Independence or membership of a defunct EU, let’s have a referendum on whether we should retain a Monarchy, but that won’t happen, no chance as we might vote no.

Starting with the Thatcher administration who sold off the utilities giving us a private system which literally screws us to the selling off of council houses without building new to replenish the stock, leaving us with the housing crisis we now face. Cameron won’t change that in fact he will enhance it. Miliband doesn’t know what a council house is so forget any help from his middle class mob of useless work shy plebs.

Here’s a small example of what’s actually happened. In the early 80′s every 20 pounds that was spent on housing people 16 pounds went on building houses. Now nearly 20 pounds goes on helping people pay rent and only 1 pound goes on building houses. Now if ever there was an obvious way to stop this housing benefit scam that’s it, simply revert back to pre Thatcher and start investment in housing, not only will it relieve the crisis but create thousands of tax paying jobs.

But this won’t happen as long as we elect Governments who have no courage, no drive, and are empty of principles, and who only want to tinker with the status quo. Now dear friends who amongst believe if you ever did, that we are all in it together.


DNA Detection

Friends and readers

We recently heard a story which sounded strange but nevertheless true. As you know Forth is in the privileged position of having it’s very own dog fouling czar, none other than our good mate and avid sucks reader Cammy squint tie Day.

Cammy as you know has been ruthless in his pursuit of dog shit and he see’s it as a passion to know every brand of dog shit there is so he can fill his scrap book with mementoes of his dog fouling escapades. Now as it happens this is where Pilton Sucks the nations favourite blog site can be of assistance to czar Cammy.

it transpires that it is now possible to detect a dog’s DNA through it’s jobbies and we think czar Cammy should jump on this right away adding yet another string to his out of tune violin. Now czar Cammy in his late night walkabouts in pursuit of the dog fouling gangs can bring his pop a scoop and wee plastic bag with him and take samples of freshly laid dog poo. It can then be analysed and the culprits apprehended, simple eh.

So the dog owners from Barnton and Crammond who bring their dogs to crap in Royston and surrounding areas can be named and shamed. We think this could be a big vote winner for czar Cammy and he can take full credit for something he has done rather than take full credit for something he hasn’t done. This could be czar Cammy’s Waterloo and herald in a new age of dog shit detection. So we  warn the dog owners of Barnton and Crammond who take their doggies for a shit in Royston that their days are numbered, and czar Cammy is gunning for you.

Quick Hide The Rubbish

Friends and readers.

Rumour has it that the Lanzagrotty 6 have returned from their fun filled mid term break. Which means dear friends, yes that’s right the put upon parent is returning to God knows what. No doubt our new friends in the North have enjoyed the break as well although their lives are one complete break, as the put upon parent bit fingernails to oblivion worrying about the house. or in fact if there was one left.

The 40 surrounding streets who were informed that the put upon parent would not be around for a week or so sent shivers and  seismic shock waves which were felt in Glasgow. What would the Hotbox three and hangers on get up to, and worse still how many empty loo roll holders would be piled up or blocking the sink. We understand from a Government source that the flight the put upon parent was on was given an RAF escort such was the gravity of the situation, a week of non supervision of the Hotbox three and hangers on. The SAS were put on red alert to clean up the potential piles of rubbish that would make the three day week look mild[bit of political history there]

Question were asked in the house [the Westminster one] as to how to combat the mass of strange smelling smoke that had surrounded the area where the Hotbox three and hangers on were at play. The put upon parent weighed down with duty free goodies and of course what was left of the family sized Toblerone complete with teeth marks, newly sprayed on tanned with hair to match, had kept in touch by coded messages to special branch, but heavy snow and biting winds had prevented the pigeons getting through.

The Hotbox three and hangers on oblivious to all this commotion were waiting patiently on the return of the put upon parent so they could put in their requests for food having given up on trying to open tins or anything complicated like that. The Kitchen had been a no go area, as the thought of cooking anything turned them white with fear. So as the screaming weans and stressed out parents come down from their Lanzagrotty high, the put upon parent with a weeks worth of sun cream covered clothes  and dodgy duty free vino collapso returns to, well that’s in the lap of the Gods.

Clash Of The Titans

Friends and readers.

We have been told unofficially of course that a shopper in Scotmid has complained about the never ending queue. Our disgruntled punter has penned her complaint to the Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg. The Court has organised a special sitting to deal with what is now a major Human rights abuse.

We at Pilton Sucks have got hold of a copy of the disgruntled punter’s letter and we will let our wide and growing readership read it

Dear Sir/Madam or whoever.


Im writing to you to complain bitterly about the queues in Scotmid. Iv’e had the misfortune of shopping there for a few years although it feels like a lifetime. Not only do they rip you off they make you queue for the pleasure of being ripped off. There is a odd looking chap who seem to work there but might not, with mamalade on his chin and strange stains on his shirt  who runs away every time someone approaches him, and nobody know’s what he does, probably been there for years and he’s been forgotten about.

Their pricing policy is daylight robbery and worse still when you do manage to get to the checkout and miracle of miracles there’s someone there, the price is never the same it’s always more than what’s priced on the shelf. Don’t use plastic to pay, that will confuse the situation even more as the assistant just can’t quite get to grips with this technology and ends up talking about the big win they almost got at the bingo.

More often than not there is no-one at the checkouts and the assistants can usually be found outside on one of their many statutory fag breaks, and complaining about the dog shit they have to clean up regularly from the front entrance[where's Cammy when you need him]. The silver coloured bin outside the entrance is stacked pyramid high with fag butts and should a gust of wind come by then your sausage rolls and sticky buns will smell of Benson and Hedges rather than greasy calorie laden delights.

The odd chap with marmalade on his chin and strange stains on his shirt creeps quietly to the chemists who are slightly quicker than Scotmid but only just, presumably to collect his script as he seems to bounce back into Scotmid with a wide grin on his face, which quickly changes into utter panic as he see’s the ever growing queue. I’ve seen people visibly age standing in the queue, and Governments have changed hands more than once while standing in the queue. I’ve written to Alex Salmond but he thinks their pies are nice but would rather debate with David Cameron than stand in the queue, that would really break his spirit.

When you ask the assistants why the queue is so long, they don’t know and just continue smoking. I fought in the second world war and served my country fighting tyranny, never did I give up hope that we would overcome the threat of Fascism, but sir I am at the point of white flag surrender standing in this bloody queue.

Yours Sincerely

a prisoner of the Scotmid  queue.

Community Illusions

Friends and readers.

Has anyone seen our old mate Henry Houdini 2 jobs Coyle. Our pal and avid Sucks reader was last seen running in the direction of the Muirhouse shopping center, heading towards Ladbrokes hoping to get a bet on no houses ever getting built in what is now a gap site. He’s already stuck a few quid on no health center getting built either.

We understand that supremo Pete[formerly the perm Strong] has opened a book offering generous odds on anything happening in the Forth Ward. Total Craigroyston or crap to give it it’s nick name has soaked up taxpayers dosh and nothing has happened there either, except create a few jobs for the favoured few.  Plenty of pen pushers but no actual action on the ground. We contacted Waverley Court and tried to speak to Mark Turley, Director of Services for Communities, to ask him why the Neighbourhood Partnership no longer exists except for a few groups that have miraculously appeared from nowhere.

Of course Mr.Turley was not available-nobody ever is- we were told he was too busy organising his diary or was it menu for the next few months. While Turley works out how to maximise his golden handshake and do a runner and then join former Labour group leader Donald Andersons consultancy outfit, the punters in Forth are more in the dark about what’s going on that at any time since Labour got back into office with the help of the invisible SNP who seem to have surrendered meekly to the comrades.

That was political suicide from the Nat’s who are only a handful of seats behind Labour and should have let Labour run a minority administration, Andy pandy Burns wouldn’t have lasted long then. But that was not to be, fantastic negotiations by the Nat’s allowed and continues to allow this bunch of work shy no users to run an administration that is running round in circles trying to find a reason for their existence. Sunny Forth is at the sharp end of this mob and it shows. From being one of, if not the most successful of the Neighbourhood partnerships, and being copied city wide and beyond, we are now a joke, and worse still Pete’s still in charge. Heads you lose tails you lose.

We were always a soft touch for those who fancied making a quick buck and then buggering off, but now why bugger off just shut the doors and put up closed for business signs, or organise a few meetings about having meetings. Consequently, all lines of communication have been shut down, and money is spent by the mysterious delegated authority which means our mate Cammy squint tie Day and Pete the party fundraiser. It might as well be Dick Turpin’s last ride on his horse Black Bess, but at least Dick Turpin wore a mask.

Ignore the Community Councils, something that labour hates anyway as it calls them to account and there are actually real people on them, and yes some of them actually have real jobs. Their coalition partners the Nat’s are no bloody use, they’ve been relegated to bystanders, when opportunities a plenty present themselves to call the comrades to account. All they’re doing is supporting Labour to bugger up the city and take away any accountability to the electorate who Labour hate as well.

Don’t forget that there will be an election after this referendum, and Labour will point to the inactivity of the SNP bet on it, Henry has. Power for powers sake is useless without a vision of how to take this City forward, which is something Labour does have, only thing is, their vision is resurrect the failures of the past only cloth them in a different way.

What now. Two steps forward ten back, and then call it a success, the mug punters will vote for us anyway as there is no alternative, there’s your Labour manifesto and who’s to say they are wrong, come down to Forth and you will see it in action.

Miracle’s In The North

Friends and readers.

We at Pilton Sucks, the nations favourite blog site likes to bring some sunshine into your lives and God knows with the Tories in power at Westminster and our bestest mate and fanatical Sucks reader and pretty much chair of everything Lesley Prada Hinds still mucking up everything she touches, we need the laughs so here is a few for you.

A priest was driving along Ferry Road and got stopped by the police for speeding. The policeman smelt alcohol on the priest’s breath and then see’s an empty bottle of wine on the floor of the car. He say’s ”Sir have you been drinking” ”Just water” say’s the priest fingers crossed. The policeman said ”Then why do I smell wine”. The priest looked at the bottle and said ”Good lord! He’s done it again”.


Late one night a Burglar broke into a house in the Drylaw area which he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say ”Jesus is watching you” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. ”Jesus is watching you” the voice boomed out again. The burglar was frightened, frantically he looked all around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot ”Was that you who said Jesus is watching me” ”Yes” said the parrot.

The Burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot, ”What’s your name”? ”Clarence” said the parrot. ”That’s a stupid name for a parrot” sneered the burglar. ”What idiot named you Clarence”? The parrot said, ”The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus.”


David Cameron and George Osborne were visiting Muirhouse, so there was a huge tailback of traffic as the police diverted all vehicles and closed off Muirhouse. Suddenly a Policeman knocked on the window of one of the cars stuck in the traffic jam. The driver rolled down his window and said ”What’s going on”  ”Terrorists in Muirhouse have kidnapped David Cameron and George Osborne, they’re asking for a 10 million pound ransom otherwise they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire, we’re going from car to car taking up a collection.

The driver asks ”How much is everyone giving on average?”  The policman replied, ”Most people are giving about a gallon”.


Cameron and Osborne were on a Royal flight flying over the North side of Edinburgh. Cameron looked at Osborne laughed and said ”You know, I could throw a 100 pound note out the window right now and make one person very happy.

Osborne shrugs his shoulders and say’s ”Well I could throw 5, 20 pound notes out of the window and make 5 people very happy”.

Samantha,  Cameron’s wife tossed her hair and said ”Of course, then I could throw ten 10 pound notes out of the window and make ten people happy”.

The on board steward, look’s at all of them and say’s, ”I could throw the lot of you out the window and make the whole country happy.

There you are dear friends, hope this puts a smile on you faces.

The Word According To Dave

Friends and readers.

Before we start this post, we were asked a question by one of our wide and growing readership, re the current legislation on growing Cannabis. We thought long and hard about an answer which would be within the law, for we at Pilton Sucks have full respect for the law which was drawn up by those whose only desire is to crush any potential opposition to the ruling classes, and keep the ordinary citizen under constant threat.

That aside, we thought of an answer for our reader.

Grow your own dope, plant one of the Hotbox Three[think about it]

For any of our wide and growing readership who were up nights wondering what you get for donating to the Tory party.

Dinner with the Prime Minister David Cameron— one million pounds

Dinner with the Chancellor George Osborne—- 750,000 pounds

Dinner with Nick Clegg—-half a bag of chips and a curly wurly.

We at Pilton Sucks cannot see why people are getting so upset at David Camerons plans to reform the UK housing benefit system. We at Sucks are all in favour of evicting people who don’t work for a living and expect the taxpayer to support them in homes that they would otherwise be unable to afford

Starting with the Queen.

And Jesus said ”My fathers house has many rooms”. Unfortunately thanks to Iain Duncan Smith’s welfare reforms he can’t afford to live there anymore. But Duncan Smith tells us plebs that he is a practising Christian and interprets the Bible literally. Especially the bit about feeding the 5,000 with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.

We were very impressed by Camerons latest vote grabbing initiative, he has promised to stop the queueing in Scotmid, but realistically he has no chance although he has promised a full compliment of battle hardened troops to break the resistance of the assistants who themselves should really be sent in to deal with the Taliban. Open a Scotmid in Helmand Province that will break the spirit of the Taliban and they would surrender willingly.

Cameron has we are told been keeping up to date with the exploits of the Hotbox Three and hangers on. He is particularly taken with the work rate of the put upon parent who has two full time jobs one paid and one unpaid, one to earn money to keep the Hotbox three and hangers on in comfort, and buy the food and make the meals, and clean the house and feed the cat and  pay the rent and Community Charge and all the other bills and hand over cash whenever it’s mooched, run free bed and board on a regular basis, cut the grass, clean out the Hotbox, do all the washing, and then occasionally rest, unless a text comes asking for tea or juice or asses to be wiped. Once all that is done, fix anything that is broken or replace anything that is stolen, and not complain for fear of offending someone.

Yep nice one but we at Pilton Sucks have the very answer, but Cameron has a better one let the put upon parent do the Hotboxing and make the Hotbox Three and hangers on do the chores. Yes in theory it sounds good but like all theory’s on closer inspection, one must ask the question would there be any house left and who would feed the demented cat.