Friends and readers.
Our wide and growing readership enjoy the little gems of laughter we bring them, given there is much to concern us these days. So keeping with that philosophy we bring to you the circus of horrors as performed by our magnificent cast of characters. We thought that the Pilton Sucks circus of horrors could even be a musical extravaganza, almost Sound of Music like, but the thought of Sue three jobs Bruce singing Climb Every Mountain while counting her cash could persuade most of us that standing in the Scotmid queue would be more of a pleasure.
That aside we have given this some serious thought and there are some natural performers for our circus of horrors. Vicki the hat Repath is our juggler as she rapidly changes headgear while singing the Red Flag. Cammy squint tie Day and his team of performing dogs are next up with each dog trained to poo on command and then left for someone else to pick up or tread in. Our friends in the North, the infamous five, Useless Deadloss Dopey, Moonie the sneak and Dotty Doris are perfectly cast as the circus clowns as long as there is not to much work involved, and the put upon parent comes behind them with the obligatory toilet roll.
The water features I.E the buckets of water that get chucked at everybody will be supplied by resident soothsayer Ross sur mer McEwan while at the same time he sings a selection of songs from Snow White and the seven Dwarfs. Our comedy double act and there was a lot of competition for these roles, but M and M, that’s Mark and Malcolm not the other one who sings silly rap songs. The very presence of our two Socialist revolutionaries would make our audience burst into fits of laughter, as their jokes would make Lord, oops not yet, Alistair Darling sound funny.
Alan, I’m the only Tory in the Village Jackson, a poor mans William Shakespeare lookalike will recite poetry while sitting on a fence as is his normal practice. Frank the numbers Ross will miss out as he is being sent on yet another jollie so his officials can get on with the job of running or is that ruining Economic Development. And yes there is a spot for our mate and avid sucks reader Sue three jobs Bruce, yes you guessed it, our Sue will be collecting the cash at the door so we will have to make sure she doesn’t think this is her fourth job and takes a cut of the dosh. Our mate and another avid sucks reader Neighbourhood manager Pete[formerly the perm Strong] will coordinate the whole thing so we can assume chaos will prevail.
Of course we tried to contact another of our readers, Henry Houdini Coyle who in a previous incarnation was local Housing manager that’s when you could find him, more likely to find a Tory voter in Muirhouse than finding the master of escape and illusion. But we had a part tailor made for our Henry, chained to a desk with a line of people ready to complain about the shity service they get from an impotent Partnership, and give him 5 minutes to escape, we have no doubt that before we said five he would be gone.
Then we have the biggest mystery ever to hit the North, Total Craigroyston, what on earth do they do that isn’t already done just as badly. But fair’s fair they could make up the numbers in the audience and even claim a grant calling it a job training scheme. For those of a certain age we thought that this could be best advertised with a photograph based on the cover shot of the Beatles Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, Google it you will get the gist of it. But most important of all we need a ringmaster come lion tamer, and who better than our bestest mate, fanatical sucks reader, pretty much chair of everything, and the enemy of wooden floors everywhere, Leslie Prada Hinds dressed in tutu, top hat and imitation whip.
This dear friends is the Pilton Sucks Circus of Horrors including all the extras to give you a truly meaningful experience, the Ghost train and this lot will really scare you. the room of smoke and mirrors and that most rarest of experiences, a public meeting of the Forth Neighbourhood Partnership.
Let them entertain you, they always do.