Friends and readers.
Just as you thought it was safe to switch on your telly and watch the New Year revelers, freezing their bollocks off and it seems now getting soaked into the bargain all in aid of thinking they are having a good time, the shadow of the grim reaper in the shape of Jackie Smiler Bird will after all be haunting the New Year bash. But smiler who has had her teeth freshly glossed for the coming event, will not be presenting Edinburgh’s Tramtastic Hogmanay celebrations from a scaffolding tower in Princess Street, oh no none of that shit for her, smiler who after suffering the ignominity of having to present from a rickety platform last year rather than hamming it up at the Castle bash which is always full of anonymous faces, otherwise known as rent a crowd who whoop and cheer everything that is said as our Jackie mixes with the punters screaming at the top of her voice, no smiler stood her ground and told the BBC to fuck off and get another mug to stand in the freezing cold and listen to a lot of drunken tossers throwing bottles at each other, and pissing in the pockets of anybody that wasn’t looking.
Our Jackie looked the picture of absolute misery as she stood alone with just a cameraman for company who was clearly pissed judging by the angles he was adopting with the camera. Jackie who practices her plastic smile for 6 months before the main event has often been overheard saying ”not this shit again, I’d rather be home in my nightie and slippers watching Only an Excuse than mixing with this lot of tossers but money’s money”. ”At least I’m spared having to listen to Steve jambo Cardownie rabbiting on a lot of rubbish about how everyone is enjoying themselves and Edinburgh’s Hogmanay celebrations are the best in the world, when they are average at best.”
So after much lobbying smiler has wangled an indoors number in Glasgow where she can scream to her hearts content and delight in the fact that some other poor sod will be getting cold and wet in fun packed Edinburgh. We are told straws were drawn to see who got the capital as the gig, and that there had to be a recount after some dodgy straw drawing, should have got lessons from the Labour party they are experts in rigging any kind of ballot. Very few of the great and the not so good will be partying in Princess Street, the thought of mixing with the plebs is more than enough for our City fathers to give it as wide a berth as possible, apart that is from jambo Cardownie who will drag himself out of the boozer to do his festival czar bit, saying how wonderful it all is before running back to the bosom of the boozer and his partially filled expense sheet.
Our bestest mate, fanatical sucks reader and chair of everything except the festivals which she gave a wide berth to, Lesley Prada Hinds will give her apologies, as she will be to busy trying on the 6 pairs of Harvey Nics shoes she bought in the sales, now they she has dyed them all same colour. Cammy squint tie Day may put in a brief appearance hoping that his spray on tan out of a tin which he bought in the sales after losing out on the Ed Miliband wig will not be the cheap shit that runs in the rain. Our pal Vicki the hat Redpath will want to try out her new hat with attached umbrella, so when the forecasted rain comes all she has to do is put her hat on and the attached umbrella opens, we advise that anyone standing close watch out as the umbrella has a quicker opening time than Jingling Geordies, the favoured watering hole of some of our City Fathers and their hangers on.
Staunch socialist and long time Councillor, to long in many peoples view Eric the teeth Milligan who once met a worker but cannot recall to much about it, saying only that the chap was dour and abrasive after only getting a second at Oxford, will watch the goings on in the comfort of the Tory stronghold, the Royal Overseas League club in Princess Street. One of the attractions is that it’s a free bar and nobody talks about Hearts, another of our Erics passions. So chances are our Eric will be well and truly sozzled by the time the gun goes off, and some poor punter will have to lift him into a Council paid for taxi.
We hear that Alan only Tory in the village Jackson is in the huff because he can’t get into the Royal Overseas League Club and he’s one of them, should have spoken to Eric who would have signed him in as a guest as long as he was buying should the free bar run dry. It might be interesting to know how much if anything the City actually makes out of turning the center into a poor mans Blackpool, chances are little or nothing at all, much like most things the lot up at the Chambers get involved in. Sue three jobs Bruce offered to fire the cannon from the Castle with some dry wit saying ”aye as long as she was in it” but our Sue decided that on this occasion she would give it a miss and fly out for a fact finding mission to the Bahamas, all inclusive of course.
The punters in the North of this fun packed City can enjoy the celebrations from their own watering holes like the Gunner in Pennywell Road where fireworks of a different kind will be on display, or our very own version of the Royal Overseas League club, the Anchor Inn where a free bar will also be available due to the bar staff being tied up and put in the cellar, an age old tradition we hear dating back to the time when the local police took a bung to turn a blind eye, ah the nostalgia of it all. If you are really feeling in the party spirit, Javits will be churning out something resembling fish suppers with Whiskey flavoured sauce, nice touch.
So our Jackie will miss out on all that, no wonder she is smiling, and instead make her way to Glasgow to enjoy a more civilised type of affair. But be warned although smiler might be in Glasgow there is every chance we will hear her dulcet tones commenting on how wonderful the party in Edinburgh seems to be going in between chuckles of course.