Monthly Archives: December 2014

The Defence Rests

Friends and readers.

Just as you thought it was safe to switch on your telly and watch the New Year revelers, freezing their bollocks off and it seems now getting soaked into the bargain all in aid of thinking they are having a good time, the shadow of the grim reaper in the shape of Jackie Smiler Bird will after all be haunting the New Year bash.  But smiler who has had her teeth freshly glossed for the coming event, will not be presenting Edinburgh’s Tramtastic Hogmanay celebrations from a scaffolding tower in Princess Street,  oh no none of that shit for her, smiler who after suffering the ignominity of having to present from a rickety platform last year rather than hamming it up at the Castle bash which is always full of anonymous faces, otherwise known as rent a crowd who whoop and cheer everything that is said as our Jackie mixes with the punters screaming at the top of her voice, no smiler stood her ground and told the BBC to fuck off and get another mug to stand in the freezing cold and listen to a lot of drunken tossers throwing bottles at each other, and pissing in the pockets of anybody that wasn’t looking.

Our Jackie looked the picture of absolute misery as she stood alone with just a cameraman for company who was clearly pissed judging by the angles he was adopting with the camera. Jackie who practices her plastic smile for 6 months before the main event has often been overheard saying ”not this shit again, I’d rather be home in my nightie and slippers watching Only an Excuse than mixing with this lot of tossers but money’s money”. ”At least I’m spared having to listen to Steve jambo Cardownie rabbiting on a lot of rubbish about how everyone is enjoying themselves and Edinburgh’s Hogmanay celebrations are the best in the world, when they are average at best.”

So after much lobbying smiler has wangled an indoors number in Glasgow where she can scream to her hearts content and delight in the fact that some other poor sod will be getting cold and wet in fun packed Edinburgh. We are told straws were drawn to see who got the capital as the gig, and that there had to be a recount after some dodgy straw drawing, should have got lessons from the Labour party they are experts in rigging any kind of ballot. Very few of the great and the not so good will be partying in Princess Street, the thought of mixing with the plebs is more than enough for our City fathers to give it as wide a berth as possible, apart that is from jambo Cardownie who will drag himself out of the boozer to do his festival czar bit, saying how wonderful it all is before running back to the bosom of the boozer and his partially filled expense sheet.

Our bestest mate, fanatical sucks reader and chair of everything except the festivals which she gave a wide berth to, Lesley Prada Hinds will give her apologies, as she will be to busy trying on the 6 pairs of Harvey Nics shoes she bought in the sales, now they she has dyed them all same colour. Cammy squint tie Day may put in a brief appearance hoping that his spray on tan out of a tin which he bought in the sales after losing out on the Ed Miliband wig will not be the cheap shit that runs in the rain. Our pal Vicki the hat Redpath will want to try out her new hat with attached umbrella, so when the forecasted rain comes all she has to do is put her hat on and the attached umbrella opens, we advise that anyone standing close watch out as the umbrella has a quicker opening time than Jingling Geordies, the favoured watering hole of some of our City Fathers and their hangers on.

Staunch socialist and long time Councillor, to long in many peoples view Eric the teeth Milligan who once met a worker but cannot recall to much about it, saying only that the chap was dour and abrasive after only getting a second at Oxford,  will watch the goings on in the comfort of the Tory stronghold, the Royal Overseas League club in Princess Street. One of the attractions is that it’s a free bar and nobody talks about Hearts, another of our Erics passions. So chances are our Eric will be well and truly sozzled by the time the gun goes off, and some poor punter will have to lift him into a Council paid for taxi.

We hear that Alan only Tory in the village Jackson is in the huff because he can’t get into the Royal Overseas League Club and he’s one of them, should have spoken to Eric who would have signed him in as a guest as long as he was buying should the free bar run dry. It might be interesting to know how much if anything the City actually makes out of turning the center into a poor mans Blackpool, chances are little or nothing at all, much like most things the lot up at the Chambers get involved in. Sue three jobs Bruce offered to fire the cannon from the Castle with some dry wit saying ”aye as long as she was in it” but our Sue decided that on this occasion she would give it a miss and fly out for a fact finding mission to the Bahamas, all inclusive of course.

The punters in the North of this fun packed City can enjoy the celebrations from their own watering holes like the Gunner in Pennywell Road where fireworks of a different kind will be on display, or our very own version of the Royal Overseas League club, the Anchor Inn where a free bar will also be available due to the bar staff being tied up and put in the cellar,  an age old tradition we hear dating back to the time when the local police took a bung to turn a blind eye, ah the nostalgia of it all. If you are really feeling in the party spirit,  Javits will be churning out something resembling fish suppers with Whiskey flavoured sauce, nice touch.

So our Jackie will miss out on all that, no wonder she is smiling, and instead make her way to Glasgow to enjoy a more civilised type of affair. But be warned although smiler might be in Glasgow there is every chance we will hear her dulcet tones commenting on how wonderful the party in Edinburgh seems to be going in between chuckles of course.

Myth Or What?

Friends and readers.

The economy is the big issue. It was at the last general election and dear in will be again in May next year. Yet trying to get behind the political rhetoric to discover the true economic reality is extremely tricky if not impossible. This post by the best blog site on the web, that’s us at Pilton Sucks will try and take a look at some of the myths currently being put about concerning the economy and try to explain why the current debate if you can call it that is not only misleading the public but is deliberately pushing us in the direction of not finding the answers.

Down in the chastened halls of that private club in Westminster The con-dem coalition have been overly keen to talk up the extent of their spending cuts, so much so that the reality has been forgotten. Public spending is going up year on year under Clegg and Cameron rising from 690 billion in 2010-11 to 744 billion by 2014-15. During the final year of this Government the figure will be around 668 billion which will be higher than in every single year of the last Labour Government, except it’s final one.

There is something rather ”Alice in Wonderland” about the current Economic debate. The current lot are constantly saying they are taking tough action to bring down the deficit. The current evidence does not support this argument, meanwhile the Labour lot are telling us that it is because of the so called tough action or if you prefer fiscal toughness which drove and kept the UK in recession. This at a time when the differences between the two are no thicker than that of a cigarette paper. Quite simply it suits both sides in this argument to pretend that the dividing lines between their two economic approaches are wider than they are. It in fact maintains the illusion backed by the media which is much more comfortable to portray imagined conflict than to present the messy reality.

The truer reality is that neither the Tories or Labour are at all sure how to respond to the current economic difficulties.  It is on the face of it true that Labour’s publicly declared plans for the deficit at the 2010 general election were much more modest than those adopted by the Con-Dems, it is very questionable whether they would have stuck to them, after all it was the privately school educated freedom fighter and staunch defender of the Union Alistair Darling who told us all very clearly that there would be cuts deeper than that of the Thatcher administration, and look what happened to him.

Here’s a thought. Is it not the case that Labour’s argument of to far to fast is built on sand. The reality is the Con-Dems has so slowed down it’s original deficit reduction programme that it is now less stringent that those put forward from friend Darling. So much so that the current fiscal plans are looser than Labour’s fiscal plans under Gordon Brown. So if we do a quickish sum Labour’s looser fiscal policy would have resulted in around 70,000 fewer unemployed, however that reduction would have been obtained with an increase in debt across the time of 26 billion pounds, which dear friends is the equivalent of roughly 370,000 pounds per job, oh and yes to be repaid by the nation at a later date.

It’s all very puzzling don’t you agree? but the truth lies around somewhere it’s just that nobody wants to pick it up and run with it for fear of not getting elected or re-elected. Both of the major political parties side with each other on most things but portray a difference to the electorate for party political purposes. Both are paid up members of the Westminster club and both pay homage to the ruling elite. Neither Miliband or Cameron will truly dive into the deep end, more dip their toe in the water to get a feel of the temperature. They are establishment thinkers and are tied by their links to the unwritten constitution which they play with from time to time when it suits them.

The Tories have embezzled the nation by allowing fraudulent financial institutions to get away with practically financial genocide and then defrauded the taxpayer into bailing them out without exacting any real payback, as we see today. The billions that are stashed away in offshore accounts have stayed there in the main backed by supporters of theft and greed and the promises to bring them to account have come to nothing yet the poor and vulnerable are hammered by this lot, we shouldn’t be surprised the Tories have always hated those weaker than them, at least Labour hide it better.

Those hidden billions would massively contribute to our economy and used properly could enhance the lives of millions, but no our leaders think it is better if we leave well alone and don’t upset the account holders. Labour would do nothing either preferring as they have said to continue with Tory policies in the short term, or until they get an idea on what to do. Our economy is based on two things oil and gunpowder, both of which rely on consumption of one type or another. Both these industries have huge lobbying power and massive reserves usually stashed away somewhere. This is who any Government pays homage to, and until we realise that then we are mere subjects of an institution that plays with peoples lives and usually for the worst.

Sales Bonanza

Friends and readers.

The annual sales rush is under way and the punters are all rushing about trying to grab a bargain in austerity hit Britain. Given the vast amount of news we have had relating to the lives of the people hit by the Govenrments crackdown many seem to have enough to splash out ont this and that.

But dear friends some our favourite characters were caught up in this sales madness and none more so than our pal Cammy squint tie Day who camped  overnight outside pound stretchers in order to be first in line to grab an Ed Miliband wig, devotion knows no bounds. None of that for our bestest mate and chair of everything Lesley Prada Hinds, who borrowed the Lord Provosts car in order to get to Harvey Nics for the mega shoe sale. Unfortunately our Lesley could only manage to get the 6 pairs. don’t think any of them matched though so a couple of bottles of dye will come in handy.

Vicki the hat Redpath decided to hit the Jenners sale but nobody told her it hadn’t started yet so we hope our Vicki has brought her hot water bottle and a change of hat till the whistle sounds for the start of the Jenners sale. Our old pal Alan only Tory in the village Jackson was having none of that sales nonsense, he just sat by his imitation coal fire and watched the Great Escape, fantasising that he  was in the Steve McQueen role only he got over the barbed wire,  something that he thought was a good idea as a boundary between Granton and Trinity to replace the invisible barrier.

Steve jambo Cardownie ever the party animal was to busy rehearsing his, everybody’s having a great time Hogmanay speech to be bothered searching for the Marks and Spencers shop soiled underwear. But we hear that Ross sur mer McEwan was successful in purchasing a pair of outdoor swimming trunks, real bargain. Even better our mate and head honcho Sue three jobs Bruce has decided to get away from it all and hire a car, on expenses of course and drive south, last thing we heard was three jobs was caught in the snow fall putting paid to her spending spree and her 4 week break.

Back at the ranch care manager Lorraine half nelson Banks fresh back from her fact finding trip to the Caribbean has decided to give the sales a miss and instead concentrate on her duties one of which is browsing through the all inclusive holiday brochures. Sucks fanatic and rock and roll nerd Pete[formerly the perm]Strong has been saving up his pennies all year so he could do a mad sales dash and a trip to the bookies to put some money on Nicola Sturgeon getting a game for Hearts some time this season, our Pete never one to let an opportunity go by got odds of 500/1 and we hear he put a fiver on. Of course Nicola the beast Sturgeon is a closet Rangers fan so the bookies with inside info have given odds of 1/3 on for Nics to get a game for Rangers this season, and judging by their performances it would be no surprise to see Nics turning out for the Gers.

Judging by the jump in membership of the SNP it seems that everybody and his cousin will soon be a member and we hear our Pete is considering changing his loyalties given that jambo Cardownie is soon to take the chair of the Neighbourhood Partnership. But the festive drive goes on at pace and our festive mate and hater of the New year bash which she has reluctantly presented from a freezing outdoor platform Jackie smiler Bird has told them to stuff it this year as she heard she was to be replaced by a cardboard cutout, needn’t have bothered Jackie nobody would have noticed the difference.

But dear friends we can all rest easy as Scotmid is opened again having shut down for Xmas day and when the bedraggled still slightly pissed manager opened the roller shutter door he was met by a number of very angry and frustrated shoppers who had staged a sit in holding the chap with marmalade on his chin and strange stains on his shirt hostage, demanding to be served first. In a gesture of goodwill and peace to all men and women of course our slightly pissed manager decided to brave the battle hardened querers and man the tills himself, only thing was there was no electricity and no punter had a shilling for the meter[little bit of history there folks]

So we trudge slowly towards the time when those bells ring and we enter another year, and we watch the telly well the smart punters do as the masses freeze their bollocks off wandering around the streets imagining they are having fun, makes watching the weather report seem exciting. But have no fear friends and readers Pilton Sucks will keep you cheery and full of festive spirit, or full of something anyway, and you don’t need to leave your chair and join in with the rest of the punters who will freeze and have to walk home in the early hours bemoaning the fact that some bastard beat them to the Ed Miliband wig in the Pound Stretchers sale. There’s always next year that’s if Ed’s still around.

The Sucks View

Friends and readers.

Pilton Sucks was born out of frustration about openly corrupt practices going on in your name. Sucks has grown considerably and is now widely read, with mentions in the press on the radio and on TV. We have taken an open stand against those who profess to represent us but who prefer to represent themselves. We have used humour to great success and continue to do so.

We have of course our critics and we welcome that, and we also have our imitators which we see as a complement to the success of the Sucks brand. Our latest in depth look at how Edinburgh City Council is managed has produced what many people have known for a long time but were afraid to say, it’s not the politicians who run the City but a bunch of unelected petty minded officials who are costing us all a fortune with levels of bureaucracy which we clearly don’t need. We have exposed abuse of the public purse and have told our readers about the 20 million pound Community led project for the former Royston School site.

We have now been informed that Children and Families will lend Health and Social Care 500,000 pounds for half the site, when both these management heavy departments have no money to speak of, so this is either a credit note or a downright lie. The document we have seen goes on to say that they have a full funding package to build a care home, a funding package of upwards of 8 million pounds, at a time when this city and it’s residents face drastic cuts. So where does this huge sum of money come from, borrowing of course but they will need to get it past the Scottish executive first and with a fully funded housing and care home package plus buying the land for substantially more than the 500,000 pounds that exists right now is this best value.

Is the taxpayer getting best value, absolutely not, and yet this plan is being buried by officials with the blessing of Chief Executive Sue three jobs Bruce. We do not hide the fact that we are of the opinion as are some of the elected members who contacted Sucks that Ms. Bruce is not up to the job and has a tyrannical view of how to do things which results as we can all see in the mess we are now in. We were shocked to learn from a reliable source within Waverley Court that there was indeed an offer in excess of 2.5 million being offered for the Royston Site, to include a care home, social housing, retail and a community hub, which was asked for by Economic Development chair Frank fingers Ross who was supportive of the scheme while clearly knowing there was this other ludicrous plan in existence which will we understand cost the Council much more than the figures being spoken about, and we all know that when the Council tell us what something is going to cost you can bet your life that it will cost substantially more.

We told you of how officials ADAIR, WATTANA and WARD were actively working against the community led project which would make them look exactly what they are corrupt inept individuals who have been around to long and have cost the taxpayer more than enough while delivering next to nothing. Ultimately Bruce is responsible for these clowns and she responsible to the elected members who we know from our source are intimidated by her, let Sucks at her and we will show show you who intimidates who. This City is costing a fortune to administer and here is a perfectly good, fully funded project which is being hidden from the public and the residents of North Edinburgh. We ask why isn’t the people’s defender and recipient of public money the NEN mentioned nothing of this massive investment in an area which desperately needs it, very curious, yet this is a story of corrupt practices, inept management, deceit and lies and where is the NEN? Nowhere, shouldn’t be to surprised at that given their political leanings.

This is a time when both Sucks and the NEN could and should expose these idiots and their corrupt practices, yet it is only Pilton Sucks who dares to raise their heads above the parapets. This Community led project has costed plans which Sucks found on the seat of a bus shelter, plans which Cammy squint tie Day has, plans that Frank fingers Ross has, so this is not some back of a fag packet plan, so why has squint tie Day the Socialist revolutionary not even investigated the Community option preferring to put the City further into debt. We are told that squint tie even had a meeting with one of the parties involved and at that meeting received full information and a copy of the plans.

Frank fingers Ross who has turned out to be completely impotent as chair of Economic Development  had we understand several meetings with the parties involved and still it is kept from the public eye. We at Sucks are not intimidated by these no-users and we will not stand back like our politically motivated friends over at the worthless NEN. This is the biggest story this lot could ever hope to have and yet they remain completely silent on the matter,  It is Sucks who will fight the Community’s corner not the NEN who couldn’t fight sleep. We know the Scottish executive have a line into Sucks so we are asking them to investigate Edinburgh City Councils mis handling of this proposed project, and the officials who are quite clearly working and forcing their own agenda. We also add that former Director of Services for Communities Mark Turley was in favour of this project yet was removed by Bruce under some cobbled together charge. Does anybody know who his faceless replacement is, who is still acting up,  and who gave him the acting up role, three guesses.

This is institutional corruption protected by rules they made up themselves, and we can understand the view of people who think local Government should be disbanded or at least completely overhauled. We have the hideous spectacle of elected punters who have never has a job other than being a Councillor,  and officials who have carved out a nice little earner for themselves whether they do anything or not. These individuals are costing the taxpayers money yet we have no way of exacting accountability, we are merely serfs who are used to replace one bunch of chancers with another every few years yet the officials go on, accountable to no one and running free to do what they like regardless of what we are led to believe. The Scotsman called us the voice of a voiceless populace, but where are the listeners for that voice.

Instead of playing the game of turning on each other which suits both officials and politicians because we take our eye off the ball, we should be actively seeking out those who are working against us and calling them to account. Sucks has named and shamed, so come on lets take these chancers on.

 

Mona Lisa’s and Mad Hatters

Friends and readers.

By now the little darlings will have ripped open the wrapping paper and be playing with the cardboard packaging. no long lie for the parents who now have to try and find where the batteries go, that’s if they remembered to get them. No bikes or scooters for todays modern children, has to be electronic or they will be on the phone to childline.

Santas back in his ghetto oops sorry grotto knocking back the vino collapso and warming up his leg of Venison, well beats the frozen overpriced Turkey. Our royal Majesty’s will be trying to avoid the plebs as they wait outside Crathie Church hoping to catch a glimpse of what colour hat Katies got on. The hype over the movie the Interview has worked and what is a third rate film is on limited general release and on line in the U.S  with the punters desperate to see it. Makes the Queens speech sound exciting.

Sucks family of characters will be taking a breather from conning the punters, with Chief chancer Sue three jobs Bruce at home in her counting house counting out her money, and pinching herself at how she gets away with it. No doubt our dog poo czar Cammy squint tie Day will be out making sure his ward is free of the dreaded piles of dog poo but he needn’t worry the coming freeze will harden the dog poo and turn it into a piece of modern art. Our bestest mate and pretty much chair of everything Lesley Prada Hinds has started her Xmas shopping for next year and top of the list is making sure every voter in Edinburgh North and Leith gets an Xmas card with our Lesleys face on it, sure fire winner that one.

Thomas tubby Brown has a theory that Santa is really Alec Salmond in disguise and has already written to the real one in Lapland complaining and alleging that the SNP are trying to take over Xmas, another corker of a conspiracy from Tam. We see Scotmid are starting their Boxing Day sale on Saturday, gives the punters plenty of time to start queuing, with their Turkeys at half price or if you queued for more than a day then they will chuck in a bag of frozen peas as well, can’t wait.

Vicki the hat Redpath is going on an Xmas day meet and greet the punters, only thing is they will greet when they meet her. Allan only Tory in the village Jackson went for an early skinny dip in the Forth Quarter park where he swam with the Swans, something he hopes will catch on, only thing the punters would catch is the flu, but our Alan is keen as ever to show the voters he’s as fit as a person double his age.  Steve Jambo Cardownie has gone skiing this year having won a days pass at Hillend, that was only the second prize the first one being a two day pass.

We see Pure Gym was opened Xmas day and we have been told that there were one or two rowers clocking up the mileage while reading last years bumper edition of the readers digest, could be an olympic event in the making. No white Xmas this year thank God but we were informed by one of our many readers that the A an E was busy mostly with drunken related injuries, will these idiots never learn. Xmas is a time for screaming kids taking bits out of each other as they fight over the last Curly Wurly in the Selection box while the parents pray for bedtime and worry about the bills coming in to pay for it all. Anybody who has had the sense to sleep in or been lucky enough to work Xmas Day then well done.

Someone somewhere will be sitting back thanking their lucky stars that the kids have grown up and pissed off or in some poor bastards cases grown up but still with them, smoking a joint and listening to Pink Floyd before the Xmas edition of Strictly Come Dancing hits the screen. Ah well Sucks is off to a valium induced sleep, and dream of a perfect score for the Argentine Tango.

The Spirit Of Scrooge

Friends and readers.

It’s the silly jumpers season and all the rest of the daft clothing that punters seem to lose their mind over at this time of the year. And none more than our old friends at Scotmid. Just to make the queueing appear more pleasurable our efficient people friendly Scotmid assistants have taken to wearing imitation reindeer head bands, with the price tag still on them of course.

During this stressful, expensive overbearing season of good will our queueing punters can enjoy the festive tricks conjured up by the Scotmid staff. The strange chap with marmalade on his chin has donned a Santa suit complete with odd stains down the front of it, he is encouraging the happy shoppers to sit on his knee and get a lovely surprise from Santa. Jingle Bells is being played all day and if you thought the Manchurian Candidate was brainwashing personified then it’s got nothing on listening to Jingle fucken Bells all day, and all day you are forced to listen to it as the queue is even slower than normal.

Our people friendly assistants have joined in on the party spirit and have managed to operate the tills with their reindeer headbands, might catch on and even replace the people friendly assistants with real reindeer, couldn’t be any slower. The special offer notices have fake snow surrounding them just to hide the fact that the prices have not changed, but the special offer relates more to the fact that if you buy something at 8am in the morning Scotmid will guarantee you will be served by 8am the following day or your money back, But!!!! shouts the frustrated shopper ”I’ve bought fuck all as I can’t get served”, still special offers are special offers.

The put upon parent has decided that queueing in Scotmid is preferable to listening to the warblings of the remnants of the infamous 5, Dotty and Dopey have transferred their utter mess to another room, easier than tidying up the other disaster area, the demented cat is in limbo as the pregnant Guinea pig drops three little Guinea Pigs so the demented cat thinks it’s my lucky day. Makes working for Edinburgh Shity Council sound pleasurable. Although one of our fast becoming loved characters, care manager Lorraine half nelson Banks has decided to take some time off from her stressful post which includes 36 weeks holiday a year, and see if she can alleviate the queueing problem in Scotmid. After taking advice from those other chancers, Neighbourhood manager Pete[formerly the perm]Strong and dog poo czar Cammy squint tie day, half nelson decided that they should form a committee paid for of course and get our bestest mate and party animal Lesley Prada Hinds to chair it, might as well she chairs everything else, and see if they can come up with a solution to the Scotmid queueing problem.

The initial thought was to get Wille community socialist Black to say a few words of solidarity with the frustrated queuers, thought being that listening to oor Willies mantra like preaching would send the queue into a panic and that would not only clear Scotmid it would clear the street. Or get Ross sur mer McEwan to go up and down the queue with a collection tin for his latest hair brained scheme, Eco houses indeed. But alas none of these good ideas would crack the Scotmid queue. What about Dotty could she have the answer, nope to bust perming her 6 inch eye lashes, maybe Dopey could come to the rescue, nope to busy trying to find which end of the scissors cuts the crissy wrapping paper. What to do yes it’s a real puzzler. Prada Hinds thinks she has the answer, Prada hasn’t got anything right since she was potty trained, she was potty trained wasn’t she?

Prada Hinds comes up with the real deal, bring in her old pal, a bigger idiot than she is and a  better paid one, a prize asshole, a total tosser and cheap crook Ian bully boy Craig, he could get transport at cost of course to bus the punters to Tescos or Morrisons for a small personal commission of course. But our frustrated queuers just laugh in his face and send him on his way with last weeks milk being thrown at him from a punter in the queue who bought the milk when it was fresh. Next up is Cammy squint tie Day the poor mans Arthur Daley, who promises that he will stop the dog shit plague which he has helped cause with his total mishandling as chair of the Neighbourhood Partnership, thank goodness a new chair is imminent in the rotund figure of Steve Jambo Cardownie, who brings with him a wealth of experience and his own monogrammed brown envelopes. Does Jambo have the answer to the only plague that Moses never threatened Pharoahe with, the Scotmid queue, had he done so Pharoahe would have let the israelites go a lot quicker.

Unlikely Jambo will accomplish this onerous task, to busy looking for the main chance, but who knows. So Loraine half nelson Banks care manager supreme gives up the ghost and admits defeat in her attempt to smash the dreaded Scotmid queue. In a way that’s good because that allows the put upon parent who was dreading going to Scotmid can now sit at home knee deep in wrapping paper and sellotape imported from Eastern Europe and get even more stressed than usual kicks the demented cat who scratches Dotty who in turn throws her hair curling tongs at Dopey who still can’t figure out which end of the scissors does the cutting.

I’m Spartacus I Think

Friends and readers

For those who are still in the Scotmid queue we did warn you, for the rest of the festive bashers and those who have the heaven sent job of taking the Kiddies to see Santa, hard lines. But now you are all back in the land of near normal then it’s Sucks time you lucky punters.

We received a number of comments about our version of Snow White which seemed to go down a treat, as did the introduction of our newest Sucks devotee Ricky flatulence Henderson. It turns out Rick has put his name forward for consideration as a replacement for Alastair not now Darling. A little bit of free publicity on Sucks might just do him a bit of good so we advise that Rick add the red flag to his party piece repertoire.

Anyway on to the latest Sucks delight. The Xmas trees are up even the plastic ones and some have even got lights on them that actually work. Our bestest mate and chair of everything Lesley prada Hinds has got a designer one of course with built in lights that flash on and off, when they go on they read, vote for me, and when they go off punters breath a sigh of relief. Hope our Lesley remembers to put that down as election expenses.

Our least bestest mate Sue three jobs Bruce tried to nick the Xmas tree on the mound for herself but didn’t fancy sticking the fairy on the top of it, so opted for a signed photo of Andy Pandy Burns with kisses on it of course. But our Sue is no party pooper and rumour has it that she has volunteered to be Santa Claus this year and will only charge a one off fee for it, plenty of festive cheer there then.  Santa Sue rumour has it tried to ban any office party this year as it would appear unseemly as the City prepares to stick it up the punters in the new year, but then was told she could hire rooms out and use the money for a good cause. So she did and now she is looking forward to a round the world cruise in the new year, with a sea view naturally.

But never let it be said that Sucks doesn’t come bearing gifts grecian style, and we are always on the look out for human interest stories,  it’s just with our stories it’s the human bit that seems to be the difficulty. Strange thing we complained to Morrisons about them dropping then raising their petrol price, so now it’s been reduced again. Good now all they have to do for a gimmick is offer the punters a bogof, loosely translated as buy a gallon of petrol get one free, now theres a winner, not only would they have the punters queuing round the block as Scotmid do but for different reasons, it might make those greedy sods in the Shell garage at Crewe Toll lower theirs.

Funny thing this oil price. When it was high and the punters were getting stitched up and robbed blind by the greedy oil companies there wasn’t a word of complaint from them about anything, nor any redemption for the over pressed over taxed criminalised motorist. But now that a barrel of oil is around 60 dollars then the world is at an end and according to them they are in poverty street. Bunch of supercillious bastards who have had it to good for to long and now that it’s the motorists turn to slightly benefit then their world is collapsing around them, yeh course it is.

But dear friends where are these other greedy fuckers the utility companies in all this. When the price of oil was high they blamed the increases on that, which we all knew was shit, but what’s their excuse now, very quiet on that one, maybe their pals the Tories should ask them but since they were in on it that’s hardly likely and so it is proving. Lies upon lies upon statistics, and now that oil production is not going to be reduced to offset the glut we have or artificially raise the price, why are we not benefitting from it. Inflation will drop like a stone as we are a petro currency, not that it is reflected in our day to day costs, why ever not. Let us ask our readers this, have any of you heard of cartels, if you have then that’s what we have here, cartels operating to control prices just like the cartels that brought us butter mountains and wine lakes and the destruction of millions of gallons of milk to keep the prices high, remember that, yep it’s all coming back to you now.

So as usual we are screwed by the ruling elite and that dear friends is our ultimate problem. whether it’s local or national or international we are being screwed and how. These chancers pay themselves handsomely, don’t they Susie and then delegate blame, don’t they Susie. So it’s nearly time for Jesus to be born again, that’s without offending our friends who believe in something else, and we can look forward to another year of shit and crap and that’s just the stuff you step in[where's cammy when you need him]. But dear friends at least Prada’s Xmas tree lights are not on all the time.

It Wasn’t Me Honest Guv

Friends and readers.

As punters get caught up in the festive extravaganza and all the hype that goes alongside being parted with your hard earned, let us not forget the intriguing Trams inquiry led by Lord Hardie. Who done what when? aren’t we all eager to know who’s paw prints are all over this mess.

Well let Pilton Sucks help our festive readers out a little. Has anybody caught sight of the infamous contracts that were signed to kick start this travesty which leaves the city with very expensive egg on it’s face. As it happens Pilton Sucks has had a wee sneak preview of this infamous document, just enough to see that the first signature on this contract of doom is ex Chief executive Tom Aitchison, and right below it is the scrawl of our old mate and chair of everything the Queen of blunderland Lesley Prada Hinds, it just had to be didn’t it.

Our Lesley’s cry of bring it on sounds a little hollow now and unless one or two vital bits of info have mysteriously disappeared then our Lesley has some awkward questions to answer, and answer them now she must as the inquiry now has statutory backing with no place to run and hide. How on earth do we the citizens allow these jokers to throw our money down the drain then try and hide from answering for it. No doubt the excuses are being rehearsed and the blame game is in full throw, but the evidence is right in front of us, a billion quids worth of unnecessary spend and an ego trip for a few inadequate politicians.

What a mess and let’s not forget  if we ever could the disaster that was Edinburgh during this farce.We witnessed the constant fuck ups and budget bursting methods of working. We reported to our wide and growing readership of the complete lack of experienced project management as sub contractors pleased themselves and a financial free for all. We reported of concrete being laid only for it to be ripped up due to the incorrect mix, substantiating our claim of incompetent project management. This project was a dripping roast for the contractor who had the City by the short and curlies. We point to Labours other wonderful financial management scheme, the Holyrood Parliament building, estimated at 40 million pounds ending up at 400 million pounds plus, and no accountability.

The Trams inquiry has to produce results, the people have to know who were the protagonists in all this and how did they get away with it up till now. There is clearly guilt to be apportioned given the astronomical amounts involved, once again the public purse raided by punters who shrug their shoulders and walk away. And be in no doubt that regardless of what tales you are told services will suffer because of this mess. So when you wonder why your Library is in danger of closure or your Leisure center, or your livelihood unless you are one of the elite officials who bury their heads in the sand, and you are told that the massive amounts of money the city need to pay in interest has nothing to do with service delivery then it doesn’t take a genius to know that’s just plain crap.

It can be spun this way or that but the reality is there for all to see. We are just short of being stuffed by a bunch of chancers who hadn’t a clue about what they were doing and still don’t. you wouldn’t trust them with your pocket money. The City is on it’s knees and no amount of front page propaganda will change that. From having a surplus we are now grossly in debt and we are now told that services will be cut, as will jobs, oh yes they will but in the front line not in the goldfish bowl of officialdom. Very soon unless you are well off this will become like London without the Russian oligarchs so far. Think dear friends of the Homes that could have been built with the money wasted on flattering a few fickle tourists. Think of the jobs that could have been created, and then see what we do have, debt, homelessness, jobs and service cuts on the way.

Friends and readers it’s not just a Tram inquiry we need

Coming Out Of The Woodwork

Friends and readers.

There seems to be real momentum to remove Ian Bully boy Craig from his post as the latest news that non-executive director Marjorie Rodger has written to Chief Executive demanding to know what the hell is going on. Of course Ms. Rodger has not had a reply, she may be in a queue as we understand that three jobs Bruce has received a stern letter outlining her complete mis handling, in fact non handling of the scandal brewing over the former Royston school site which Sucks has now had confirmed is a 20 million pound Community led project.

We are told that three jobs has given Ms. Rodgers letter over for the legal eagles to pour over. Once more it is being seen that three jobs Bruce is not up to the job she was employed to do, as no action has been taken to deal with bully boy Craig. It becomes more interesting that bully boy Craig and chair of everything Lesley Prada Hinds have been exchanging texts, very nice. Of course Prada is to streetwise to publicly support Craig but she has done everything but, and as for exchanging texts this has a sinister aspect to it as no-one but these two jokers would know what was being said.

Craigs position is now untenable and he has to go, with his conduct being cited as the main reason. The council are dithering because of the cost of sacking him but his conduct surely warrants a closer look at his contract of employment. With no political leadership, and the chief executive either to busy with her other interests or planning her holidays, the taxpayer is in limbo as we watch this mess unfold. Since Ms. Bruce has been employed and we all must remember she is an employee of the taxpayer and is answerable to them, there has been a complete lack of direction culminating in Labour Group leader sanctioning Bruces outside interests, then it came to light that one of the organisations Bruce is involved with had been convicted of fraud and also have a Council contract. So we cannot expect anything remotely approaching balance from three jobs.

Sucks position is clear, sack this clown Craig and use gross misconduct as the actual reason why, it appears that there is plenty evidence. We also question the Chief Executive’s position as Sucks can reveal that three well known public figures have approached us saying she has to go, but has a watertight contract. Our question is how the hell did that happen and who sanctioned that crap. It appears Bruce is an individual who clearly thinks she is above reproach, she isn’t. Her handling of the Craig affair is nothing short of a disgrace, and we can’t rely on Prada Hinds to do anything positive she’s worse than useless. This City is in a mess and no ammount of propaganda will alter that. We read about millions being invested in the Old Royal High School, don’t know how many times we have read or heard about this former shool, but nothing yet and hasn’t been for a generation.

The same is being said about the North side of the City and still it’s a wasteland, talk dear friends is cheap, we have been handed fully costed design plans for the former Royston school site which includes requests that the council themselves asked for through Frank fingers Ross the impotent chair of Economic Development. We are also informed that Eric smarmy Adair attended the recent meeting of the Granton/District Community Council, and we are reilably informed that he spoke so much shit his eyes were brown. Still the North is a wasteland and still no action, and there won’t be unless this Community gets rid of the clowns running it and starts to demand change and improvement.

What do we get, the great and the good lowering their standards and coming up with Stronger North, this when recently a number of cars were vandalized in the Drylaw area in what was clearly a concerted attack on peoples property, where the fuck is your Stronger North there. It’s all shit, smoke and mirrors and many of us it seems are still falling for the same old crap just dressed in different clothes. Bruce and her bunch of officials should be kicked into touch, they are as useful as a chocolate fireguard. They collect their salaries for what, this City has bar the propaganda grinded to a halt. They are just modern day robber barons.  We are treated as the rear end of the pantomime horse and get kicked regularly and still we tug our forelocks to these chancers, who couldn’t give a toss about the shit this area has to deal with as they don’t have to live here.

They are a disgrace and are only interested in looking after their own interests, and work every trick in the book against anybody that questions their position. Well Sucks does that and more. Bruce and her bandits are the reason Local Authorities are in the position they are. High salaries for little return. No accountability except to a bunch of, in the main part time politicians who are interested only in lining their own pockets which suits the officials who get a free hand to make a fucken mess of this City. When the cuts come and they will, do you think any of these chancers will lose their job, of course not, can’t do that who would run the City, and that dear friends is the nub of the problem. No fucker in the City might have a job but you would need these useless officials to monitor it all. What a joke, a criminally sad joke.

The Comrades Luv In

Friends and readers

Twas the night or several nights before Xmas and the comrades were having their annual bring your own knife bash as the City Chambers. Group leader and party animal Andy panda Burns insisted they come in fancy dress. One or two thought that they might come as workers but didn’t know what a worker was. Andy pandy came decked out in tutu and tinsel hoping to sprinkle some magic on his fellow chancers. Vickie the hat Redpath wore her favourite Santa hat but unfortunately had it on the wrong way round and wandered into the Gents toilet by mistake, thinking the sound of the flush being pulled was wine on tap she filled up the carry out Costa coffee paper cup she brought with her.

Grand dame of the Labour group Lesley Prada Hinds had given her appologies as she was going to be late due to catching up on the Latest Pilton Sucks gossip. Prada lives on her own estate, pity she has to share it with the Council. But no fancy dress for our bestest mate Prada, no none of that nonsense for her. Our Lesley had hired the latest LBD from Harvey Nics, no not little black dress, large blue Dungarees, so she would have plenty of pockets with which to nick the crustless sandwiches and mixed nuts. Our Prada is having her own bash shortly so in a cost saving measure freshly nicked crustless sandwiches and mixed nuts would do very nicely on her recyclable paper plates from last years do.

Cammy squint tie Day arrived half pissed from the Forth Neighbourhood partnerships do which had been hosted by Santas Elf,  which was Pete[formerly the perm]Strong in his effort at fancy dress, but who had been reported earlier to the police by an alarmed Tennant who seen something that looked like an Alien, urinating in her garden so she flung an open bottle of HP brown sauce at this individual, Police were reported to be looking for an idiot dressed in an Elfs costume with a brown stain on it. Cammy had his favourite singing Santa tie on which had a selection of tacky Xmas tunes on it. Cammy would have arrived earlier but got trapped in a corner by Willie Community socialist Black who wanted Cammy to listen to his latest warblings, no wonder our Cammy was half pissed.

The party was in full swing with the lights dimmed so nobody could see who was stabbing who in the back, when Eric the teeth Milligan arrived and lit the room up as soon as he walked in, he had just been to his dentist to have his nashers bleached, again. Eric the teeth was heard by some gate crasher,  who looked very like Steve Jambo Cardownie rehearsing his ode to the Haggis, till somebody let poor old Eric know that it was a Xmas bash not a Burns supper. Our Eric distraught at having been stopped in full flow sat down with his tin of Irn Bru he brought with him and put his miniature fairy lights he always carries with him round his teeth to enhance them even more.

Sue three jobs Bruce had politely refused an invitation preferring to sit in her office filling in her expense sheet, she had been there all day and was still only half way through it, although to be fair to our Sue she does have several expense sheets to fill in, a very busy lady is our Sue, so partying is out of the questioned unless she can claim overtime. The out of tune carol singing was frightening the Lib-Dems who were having their Xmas bash in the broom cupboard when in walked Ian Dodgy Perry with an open brown envelope sticking out of the back pocket of his brown cords. Dodgy had been enjoying a light refreshment allegedly with a sleazy looking dude with greasy hair who according to Gordon the snake Munro was employed by one of the Councils preferred contractors, probably very innocent and the brown envelope was merely a thank you gift for all his assistance during the year.

Next in was the laughing gnome himself Ricky flatulence Henderson who is infamous for his party piece, breaking wind to the sound of Jingle Bells. Having gone in the huff at being excluded from the excellent Sucks Panto our Ricky consoled himself with several mince pies, and his flatulence hit new heights so alongside Jingle Bells he also added Rudolf the red nosed Reindeer to his repertoire unfortunately he cleared the room halfway into Rudolf.

So as the party continued at pace as well as the plotting and scheming, presents were handed out by Santa who this year was Angela what’s a socialist Blacklock. Angie was full of festive cheer, the cheap stuff from Scotmid although she had to wait a week to get it.  Angie was gleefully handing out the gifts while the punters who had already received gifts were putting them to their ears to see if they could hear a ticking noise.

Well the party was nearly over and a very drunk Andy pandy Burns slumped in a chair tutu round his neck called on everybody to hold hands and sing the red flag. Silence gripped the room and somebody shouted that they ditched that shit years ago, so the comrades settled for Silent Night but nobody knew the words so they turned to the laughing gnome himself Ricky flatulence Henderson to see if he could help them out.

Ah well just the clean up left as Prada Hinds had swept up the last of the cheese sarnies into her LBD’s. So in came the preferred contractors who wait for it were called Shepherd and son. You just couldnt’ make this shit up.