Monthly Archives: July 2015

Rotten Burgh

Friends and readers.

Pilton Sucks has been highlighting the corrupt practices within Edinburgh shity Council, and it seems we are getting wide spread support, with a number of people writing to us outlining their experiences, including some employees of the Council who are sick and fed up with the corruption among some senior officials. We thought we would delve further into this corruption within local Government of which Edinburgh Council is amongst the worse.

“A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot survive treason from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable, for he is known and carries his banner openly. But the traitor moves amongst those within the gate freely, his sly whispers rustling through all the alleys, heard in the very halls of government itself. For the traitor appears not a traitor; he speaks in accents familiar to his victims, and he wears their face and their arguments, he appeals to the baseness that lies deep in the hearts of all men. He rots the soul of a nation, he works secretly and unknown in the night to undermine the pillars of the city, he infects the body politic so that it can no longer resist. A murderer is less to fear.”

There are several types of political corruption that occur in local government. Some are more common than others, and some are more prevalent to local governments than to larger segments of government. Local governments may be more susceptible to corruption because interactions between private individuals and officials happen at greater levels of intimacy and with more frequency at more decentralized levels. Forms of corruption pertaining to money like bribery, extortion, embezzlement, and graft are found in local government systems. Other forms of political corruption are nepotism and patronage systems. One example was how former Chief executive of Edinburgh City Council Sue three jobs Bruce was allowed to have outside interests which clearly were in direct conflict to her duties as an employee of the City.

Bribery is the offering of something which is most often money but can also be goods or services in order to gain an unfair advantage. Common advantages can be to sway a person’s opinion, action, or decision, reduce amount of fees collected, speed up a government grant or change outcomes of legal processes.

Extortion is threatening or inflicting harm to a person, their reputation, or their property in order to unjustly obtain money, actions, services, or other goods from that person. Blackmail is a form of extortion.

Embezzlement is the illegal taking or appropriation of money or property that has been entrusted to a person but is actually owned by another. In political terms this is called graft which is when a political office holder unlawfully uses public funds for personal purposes.

Nepotism is the practice or inclination to favor a group or person who is a relative when giving promotions, jobs, raises, and other benefits to employees. This is often based on the concept of familism which is believing that a person must always respect and favor family in all situations including those pertaining to politics and business. This leads some political officials to give privileges and positions of authority to relatives based on relationships and regardless of their actual abilities.

Patronage systems consist of the granting favors, contracts, or appointments to positions by a local public office holder or candidate for a political office in return for political support. Many times patronage is used to gain support and votes in elections or in passing legislation. Patronage systems disregard the formal rules of a local government and use personal instead of formalized channels to gain an advantage.The inherent corruption risks in local government relate to procedures for awarding public contracts and overseeing their implementation, as well as to new risks arising from the growing tendency to outsource service provision and the transfer of personnel between public and private roles that this entails. Planning decisions remain highly discretionary and are vulnerable to corruption in several areas. Councillors and officers have opportunities to collude in social housing fraud, and the new system of individual electoral registration will bring new opportunities for corruption.

So it is clear just from that short overview that corrupt practices can easily be covered up and somehow justified as the norm. The building services scandal that happened over a long period of time within Edinburgh City Council resulted in a few convictions but nobody seriously believes there were not more people involved, it’s just been swept under the carpet to cover for inept political management. Some of these senior officials within the Council earn huge salaries which cannot be justified as the City tumbles further into debt. They certainly would not be earning such salaries in the real world but Edinburgh as other councils are a dripping roast for these people. Politicians must do their job, those that understand their job and manage properly and not allow officials to have a free hand. But unfortunately some of our elected members are lazy only interested in building up their own CV and maximizing their allowances. This suits officials who work behind the scenes to enrich themselves at the taxpayers expense. Do we need so many officials, or consultants to run and manage the City, of course not but it has become an express train which no-one wants or is able to stop.

We the citizens are merely onlookers as our City stumbles further into the red, and it’s easy to blame outside forces, it’s harder to do the right thing and stop this gravy train.

The Bigger Picture

Friends and readers.

Many of you will know by know that there is an application in Planning to demolish the Earthy restaurant in Cannonmills and build some hideous flats and suchlike in it’s place. There is up to now over 5000 signatures objecting to this demolition and building of more out of character properties at hideous prices. The planners who are as always swayed by their own self importance are pushing for this application, wonder why?. Once more this City and It’s officials are shown up to be what they are, incompetent and corrupt, with local Councillor Gavin Barry at least seeing sense particularly when 5000 potential voters have objected.

Pilton Sucks has been campaigning openly to rid this City of it’s corrupt reputation and those officials who are clearly working in their own interests. Sucks has also been made aware of an application to demolish a single story bungalow in Boswall and develop flats in it’s place. There were a number of objections including one from the local Community Council, but the planners were determined to push ahead and agree to the application. We must say at this point that it is the elected members on the planning Committee who take the decision not the officials, but the way things are in this City you would never know it.

The planners said that they have dealt with the objections, that’s a lie they have not. Our source tells us that the planners lied to the Committee in order to get their own way, which after intervention from the Community they did not. So the application will have to be made again, but once the objections have been examined which they have not been, the planning department will submit the application again and suggest they have dealt with the objections which to date they have not, so indeed they have lied. But in true Yes Minister tradition if the elected members on the planning Committee only get the papers a few days before the meeting, then it’s highly unlikely they will get through the reams of paperwork, and these officials know it.

So what does this suggest and how do the people view what is going on, below is how people think of Edinburgh shity Council


and corrupt idiot planners

“The loss of the building will not have an adverse impact on the character or appearance of the conservation area.”

Sleekit scumbags

The planners do not mention in their sleekit media statement whether the hideously ugly new building will have detrimental affect on the area!!

They treat the public as if they are idiots

The planners should all be sacked because they approve everything, so there is no job there to do. Just rubber stamp everything as the application come through the door and SACK all the planners we would save £1 million per year in wages and office space (planners are a waste of space and money).

The public have had enough, time to SACK the planning department

Lets save some money and have some cuts where they are REALLY needed.

It’s as if this City is out on it’s own in being completely corrupt and the elected members don’t have a handle on what’s going on, and don’t understand that officials lie and hide behind the rules while the Councillors have to face the electorate and justify decisions that they had put in front of them by those who know that many of the Councillors simply haven’t a clue what’s going on, we point to SNP member Adam McVey as an example of someone who has never had any experience of real life and who the officials love as they can lead him by the nose and this clown is a candidate for the nomination for SNP in Edinburgh North and Leith, this guy is so stupid he makes another of the candidates Ben McPherson look intelligent, and that is some achievement.

New Kid On The Block

Call us Cynical….We can confirm the Parasite Dame’s leaving do was a swell bash A fitting end to an illustrious career shafting the public. God bless you Ma’am.
Now that Andrew Kerr has joined this happy band of incompetent, lying, devious bar stewards , is he going to continue the policy of Aitchison and Bruce, or is he actually going to clean up this council.
He certainly has a massive task on his hands, but the good news is that no matter how hard our councillors and directors try, the financial problems this city faces will not go away. They can cut back here, cut back there, but they are just the tip of the iceberg and £69 million of cuts are still unbudgeted for.

Mr. Kerr is walking into a Council riddled with corruption and officials who have been used to getting their own way. We have spotlighted three corrupt officials so we can give Mr. Kerr a heads up on. His first job should be to axe three jobs Bruces’s chief ass licker GREG WARD. Alongside WARD who Mr. Kerr should sack is, PETER WATTAN and ERIC ADAIR whose activities should be investigated without delay. If cost cutter Kerr does not act immediately then he will be undermined at every opportunity by these three corrupt officials. Pilton Sucks has been pressing for an investigation into these three chancers yet no action has been taken and once again our elected members show their impotence at cleaning up this City.

These three wasters cost the city a lot of money in salaries yet they produce nothing, do nothing and act in their own best interests. Cost cutter Kerr should live up to his name and get rid of these corrupt individuals. We predict that if cost cutter Kerr takes no action against these three crooks then he will be a hostage to fortune and become a prisoner of his own making and probably not last long in the post of Chief Executive.

Are The Jones’s coming

Friends and readers.

Yep it’s that dreadful time of the year again, no not the con that is Xmas that terror is still to come, nor is it the fun packed get your skin tangoed in the tropical paradise of Ibiza, nope friends it’s much worse than that it’s the dreadful watch your p’s and Q’s family barbecue.

Picture if you will the sedate scene of a family at truce for the time being all seated as far apart from each other as possible, or as much as the rented Gazebo allows. The hosts of this social event are praying that God smiles upon them as Dad and his new girlfriend turn up along with the ex wife who is breathing fire and reciting the witches scene from Macbeth. The daughter turns up with her new beau which brings the worst out in little brother who is working out how to make sure the rhythm method doesn’t work when he traps his new wife in a half nelson. This goes completed un-noticed by the youngest of the clan who is trying to work out where his first tattoo begins and ends, failing that trying to find a patch of skin that is of it’s natural colour. The drink is flowing freely which if allowed to go unchecked is a recipe for disaster, as the ex wife on her third recital of the witches scene from Macbeth enjoys yet another glass of vino collapso while sticking pins into the grand daughters teddy bear.

The tattoed one is half cut and forgets where he is he asks the stern faced gent opposite him who is the ex hubby of the ex wife[got it so far] if he has any hash and if he has would he consider skinning up. The stony bemused silence reveals much, but the new girlfriend comes to the tattoed one’s rescue and offers to share her stash with him but she is short of a roach, no problem to the tattoed one who in a brain wave tears up a paper plate and proceeds to churn out several roaches. The brother with the working wife who has decided to burn the steel chastity belt she bought from e-bay on a postage free buy it now basis is busily working his way through the Kama Sutra which his older brother gave him as a wedding present and which now is just used as a door stop. The eligible daughter who has been at the hairdressers for a week and had just had the scaffolding removed from her hair that morning keeps her fingers crossed that it doesn’t rain and spoil her mortgaged hair do. The ex wife and active granny who has just returned from a sun kissed break is glowing, even in the dark, so if the light fades granny can glow in a radioactive type way and keep the barbie going. The delightful grand kids who can’t quite figure out why in theory they have three grannies, but their devious childlike minds figure out quickly that more grannies means more pressies. So friends the extended dysfunctional family barbecue carry’s on regardless, and all enjoy the freebies on offer while the bitching and girning about who did what to who and when gathers pace as the vino collapso flows which incidentally kills the taste of the strange looking creature roasting on the spit.

Barbeque Time
When we approach BBQ season again, It is important to
remember the etiquette of this outdoor ritual, since it’s the only type
of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of
danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following
chain of events takes place:

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man
who is lounging beside the grill—beer in hand. Here comes the
important part:
More routine:
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with
the situation.
Important again:
More routine:
8. The woman brings the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins and
sauces to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man later asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off” and,
seeing her annoyance, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some

Stress Management

Friends and readers.

In these high powered days of instant everything and family barbecues we at Sucks thought we would jot down a few anecdotes in order to combat stress while for example enjoying the delights of the nuclear family barbecue, which we are sure many of or readers have enjoyed or tried to avoid

If suffering from stress it may be difficult to react as the writer below suggests and make these comments in real life; however, they are quite quite amusing when read:

When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 28 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
You say I’m a witch like it’s a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic and disorder – my work here is done.
Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
How do I set the laser printer to stun? Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Is that a hog or are you just pleased to see me?

Doing It My Way ?

Friends and readers.

Far be from us at Pilton Sucks to get involved in Labours current mess they do that themselves with out any help from outside forces, but in the spirit of fun which is a word Labour can’t understand we thought that we would have a stab in the dark at how former leader and wit Ed Miliband might have gone about putting his philosophy down in writing. Here
goes, don’t laugh it might be funny.

Hi everyone, and welcome to my world!
My name is Edward Miliband, known mostly as Red Ed and I am fortunate to be Leader of Labour -the true people’s party. I am a son of a Marxist millionaire and I live in a mansion worth a couple of million.
As a true socialist I uphold high principles of socialism and dream of creating for all of you a utopian socialist paradise where everyone is equal , or rather equally poor and miserable. I believe in wealth distribution , but not mine, other people’s. My wealth is not up for grabs- I need it to maintain my champagne socialist lifestyle. I am sure, dear Comrades, you understand.
I preach what I believe in but I don’t do what I preach. I have been lecturing Google on their disgraceful tax avoidance. However, when a millionaire made a donation to my party we accepted his donation in the form of shares to avoid tax! Clever, no? We are tough on other organisation’s tax avoidance. We even have our own personal tax avoiders nemesis – the lovely Margaret Hodge. Unfortunately she is too busy giving a hard time to Amazon and Starbucks for avoiding tax to look into Labour donor’s alleged tax avoidance incident. Please note the important word ‘ alleged’ used for political correctness reasons.
I am doing my best to lead my people’s party in the right direction. It is a very demanding job because even though we are the people’s party we don’t really trust the people and that is why I shall not allow the British people to have a referendum on the EU membership if I come to power. They shouldn’t have a say . Labour knows what is best for them.
My life isn’t easy. As Labour Leader I have very big shoes to fill. My predecessor Gordon Brown is a distinguished charismatic man with an extremely generous heart. He sold 60% of the UK’s gold reserves at rock bottom prices because he wanted the buyers to have the best deal. There is still 40 % left. I might consider asking my chancellor to sell it for a token to beat Gordon’s record. This will only happen if you vote for me. Please make it happen. Have faith in me.
My chancellor Ed Balls is my best asset. When it comes to making statements he has an incredible capacity for being overwhelmingly consistent in living up to the alternative meaning of his surname.
I am very committed to my party. On a recent campaign trail I even ventured into the heart of the Prime Minister’s constituency. My slim figure immaculately clad in an expensive black suit, my wavy fringe subtly styled I bravely waded into the sea of blue in Witney. Brave Red Ed venturing into David Cameron’s backyard. Please note I wasn’t wearing a tie, I am a people’s man and I appreciate the importance of an understated elegance. I proudly walked up and down Witney High Street taking mental notes of how well the Conservatives run this place. I must pass the tips to Labour Councils in secret. I am so proud of myself. I bet the sight of me posing for photos in central Witney made the Tory boy shiver from fear in his Marks & Spenser shirt!
And last, but not least after 3 years of a deafening silence in every major area of policy-making Balls and I decided to adopt Conservative policies even though we have spent all this time criticising the Government for introducing them. A bit of political plagiarism won’t hurt. We have come up with one original policy though -we shall target wealthy OAPs and remove their winter fuel allowance when we are in power. It doesn’t matter they have spent their whole lives working, they are wealthy now. We believe in universal benefits but do so not universally,but selectively.
Please do vote for me. If you don’t you will miss out on the pleasure of having me as your PM.
Truly yours,
Red Ed

Ah Yes Sheep

Friends and readers. See if you can guess the famous psalm, oh and a joke to follow as well

Cameron Is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me
Beside the still factories.

He restoreth my faith in the Labour party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment
For his party’s sake.

Yea, Though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.

He has Anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living
will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.

I’m glad – I am British,
I am glad – that I am free,
I wish he was a tree
and I wish – I was a dog,

A man who had just bought a new Mercedes turned on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he stamped back into the garage and yelled “When I buy a £50,000 car I expect the damn radio to work.”

The salesman explained to him that the radio had been programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear.
He got back into the car and said “Country music,” and old Willie Nelson started singing.
“Rock and roll,” he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning.
“Easy listening,” he remarked, and at once it sounded like he was in a supermarket.

He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a car cuts him up. He controls his temper but before he knows it another driver cuts him up.

“Useless stupid cu*nts!” he screamed.
The radio comes on … “.. now follows a party political broadcast on behalf of the Labour Party…”

Laugh A Minute

Friends and readers.

Continuing on our rich vein of fun, we have a few funny stories, we think they are, below to tickle your fancy. God knows with all the shit going down in this country we need a laugh, although we always have Prada Hinds in reserve.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house in West Pilton that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, ‘Jesus is watching you!’

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
‘Jesus is watching you’, the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot

He asked the parrot, ‘Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?’
‘Yes’, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: ‘What’s your name?’
‘Ronald’, said the bird.

‘That’s a stupid name for a parrot, ‘sneered the burglar.’ What idiot named you Ronald?’
The parrot said, ‘The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus

‘What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
That is pollution.

What happens if all of them drown?
That is solution!!!


10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don’t want to see what’s ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As “Keeper of the Garden,” Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that.

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number two samurai, show me what you can do.”

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three samurai?”

Number three samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead!”

“Dead is easy,” replied the Jewish Samurai. “Circumcision … now that takes skill!”

Uncanny But Could It Be True

Friends and readers.

We are hearing and reading a lot just now about the financial problems facing Greece. There are of course numerous complex reasons for this state of affairs or so we are led to believe. Below is another view of things. Have a read see what you think, but don’t laugh it’s funny.

The European Bailout Package.

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to a salesman drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him goods on credit. The salesman then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, friends and readers, is how the European bailout package works.

Run Run Run

Friends and readers.

We are on a roll, so continuing the funny theme, below is a quick joke to help you forget about the current Labour Party leadership race, or is it jog?

Harriet Harman is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious she runs over to the child and says, ‘What’s in the box sonny?’ To which the little boy says, ‘Kittens, They’re brand new kittens.’

Harriet Harman laughs and says, ‘What kind of kittens are they? ‘Socialists’, the child says.

‘Oh that’s lovely, ‘Harriet smiles and she runs off.

A couple of days later Harriet is running with her colleague and she spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Harriet says to Liz, ‘Watch this.’ and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Harriet says, ‘Look in the box Liz, isn’t that cute? Look at those little kittens. Oh yes son, tell my friend Liz what kind of kittens they are.’

The boy replies, ‘They’re Tories.’

‘What?’ Harriet says, ‘I jogged by here the other day and you said they were Socialists. What’s changed? ‘Well, ‘the lad says, ‘Their eyes are open now.’