Monthly Archives: February 2016

Could It Be

Friends and readers.

We don’t want you hiding under the duvet or tripping over the paint that was left after you had a makeover but could this be a Constituency near you. Beware of the canvasser for they are hiding behind every lamp post waiting to pounce on you to ask if they can rely on your vote for their particular candidate. Yes for the next few weeks we will all be under siege, none of us will be safe not even in our own homes as these terminators torment your very existence. Don’t go to the toilet if you don’t have to as a punters hand complete with promise card will thrust upwards from the toilet bowl. Open the washing machine door and some punter will canvass you, or worst still it will be the candidate. Go out in disguise, deny your very existence for only the brave venture out during the election Apocalypse.

We are a nation under siege from the afflicted, the party faithful who by some twisted logic work to get someone else a big pay day and then are forgotten about till they are needed again. You will be bombarded by promises none of which will be kept, all of which are designed to wear you down till you reluctantly agree to vote for whoever persecutes you the least. They are everywhere even in the Scotmid queue, bet they have been there for a lengthy time, in fact it’s reported that someone was canvassing for Harold Wilson in the Scotmid queue such was the length of time they had been in the queue.

The punters of sunny Forth and beyond will not be immune to this torture and persecution, as hopeless Hinds and Ben your honour MacPherson bombard you with fantasy and make believe as they attempt to catch you in their political web and bleed you dry. So dear friends as a little appetizer to the main event, a sort of B movie to the Oscar winner, we at Sucks thought about what becomes of us as the party hacks and candidates try to make our lives a living hell. Below is our doomsday scenario.
Any similarity to anybody you know is purely intentional.

Zombie/Apocalypse 2016:
A Political Horror Story is a zombie tale with a political background story- not from a left or right minded perspective, but from that of an average punter who feels left behind by the system. It is the tale of a regular guy- an unemployed factory worker- in the first days of the end of the world, a time in which the ways of doing things have become muddled between pre and post apocalypse. It may not be too late to save humanity, but any progress that is made gets sidetracked by the failings of the media and politicians, religious fanatics, left-wing zealots, right-wing zealots, political correctness, and bureaucracy. Will divisiveness and the failed policies of our past doom us in the future? Yes, but at least there will be some laughs along the way.

The Happy Clappy Brood

Friends and readers.

If you were out and about on Saturday 27-2-16 in sunny Granton you might have been unlucky enough to get captured by the SNP who were blocking the corner at the foot of Pilton Drive North trying to convince punters to vote for their punter Ben your honour MacPherson come the Holyrood elections on May 5th.

They were making all sorts of promises, as you do at election time then quickly forget about them a minute after the result is declared, promising amongst many promises Independence for Granton and also promising that Benny boy will do less for the Constituency than Prada Hinds if she gets elected.

Now for those deranged punters who follow these sort of things on Facebook, you will see the happy smiling faces slighly pissed off by the cold and general lack of interest, posing for the camera including in the background horror of horrors Iain smarmy black complete with yellow jacket, sure we have seen that picture before somewhere, could it be it’s the same photo just cut and pasted to suit the event.

Even Benny boy popped into the photo as if by some sort of black magic with his permanent grin realizing that he might just be a few weeks away from dipping his own snout in the Hollyrood trough and an end to the misery of having to go through this charade of trying to convince punters he is actually interested in doing something useful for the Constituency or actually knows much or anything about the reality of life in deprived areas of EH4 EH5.

At least with hopeless Hinds you know she is only interested in herself and if she is elected then the Constituency will be returned to the dark ages apart from her small band of brown nosed ass lickers, and even they know she is a prat. The Drylaw dame is a walking disaster area and she certainly has the Midas touch for major fuck ups at the taxpayers expense of course.

Can Benny boy hope to match that, don’t know but we are sure he will try should he be successful at the ballot box. The SNP have been well and truly infiltrated by the yes nutters and they see independence under every stone. It’s not independence that Forth and it’s neighbors need but an MSP who actually gives a fuck, which is why soon to be retired Malcolm Chisholm will be a lose. Neither hopeless Hinds or Benny boy have anything like the ability of Malcolm Chisholm to relate to punters and actually listen. Hopeless Hinds is not the slightest bit interested in solving your problem, not a chance, and Benny boy wouldn’t know where to start unless it was written down in some pamphlet somewhere.

Come May 5th one of these party hacks is going to win, of that there is no doubt. One of these party hacks will be dipping their nose in the Holyrood trough come May 5th and the punters of Edinburgh North and Leith will be but a memory, until the next time that is. But dear friends you can be sure of one thing, your favorite blog site Pilton Sucks will be covering all the nerve jangling excitement to see who wins the big pay day. We are also offering a prize to the first punter who manages to get an honest answer out of these two jokers, and don’t worry folks the prize won’t be a ticket to the count. Couldn’t stand the pain.

Heads up

Friends and readers.

A story has reached our ears regarding a local Community project which for quite some time has been doing good work in the area or so we are told. But we have been informed that 3 highly respected members of the Community have abruptly left the board due to, what we have been told is self interest by the manager.

The Granton Youth Center situated in the former Saint Davids primary school at the foot of West Granton Road is or should be overseen by a Community Board or Management Committee and managed by £36,000 a year Kevin sphincter Ross. We understand from an inside source at the Center that Ross connived with at least two other board members one of whom was being paid by the Center for work undertaken to the building to try and get rid of certain Board members.

First of all we have to question the validity of a Board member being paid for work done to the building while serving as a board member and we would ask that the Council take a close look at the books. If they want Sucks can provide the evidence which has been passed to us showing that this project acted illegally and particularly sphincter Ross who is a pal of the board member in question. Secondly we are reliably informed, again from an inside source that there is no local representation on the Board and their current chair, a Broughton High School maths teacher hasn’t a clue what he’s about and was also one of the instigators in helping sphincter Ross try and get rid of any opposition to their private dealings.

This center is currently in financial dire straits and could ill afford to lose experienced people particularly when Sucks was informed who these individuals were. We feel the funders should take a much closer look at this project and ask why is there no local representation on the Board. Why was an individual paid while serving as a board member and who we are now told is, ironically the treasurer of the project. We feel that the current manager Kevin sphincter Ross is worth a closer look and does he actually merit £36,000 a year, we don’t think so.


Friends and readers.

Just when you thought that the SNP couldn’t, surely couldn’t have yet another ass hole in their elected ranks up pops Lewis numpty Richie who is trying to give hopeless Hinds a run for her money as prat of the year, although he still has a ways to go to catch up with the Calamity Jane of Local Government. The latest Richie gaff [who selects and elects these clowns] relates to his comments about Hibernian F.C and said football club paying the living wage, what a prat.

1. Awful. Obvious grandstanding ignoramus.

2. Wants Hibs to be a publicity seeking employer and boast about the fact that they indeed pay the living wage. Not that we at Sucks follow football, but they are quietly doing the right thing but because they don’t seek publicity for it, this local nobody wants them to follow him into his publicity seeking – even his statement at the end shows that he is incapable of representing his constituents only his glory-seeking.

3. What is frightening is that another councillor would actually support this. They are all the same no matter what rosette they wear – in it for themselves.

Hopefully the SNP will deselect this idiot or his constituents will deselect him at the next election. Really, if he had any honour he would resign first thing on Monday morning and allow his constituents to select a representative not another inexperienced nappy wearing prat.

My Ding A Ling

Friends and readers.

Looks like we might have a leadership contest at ye old City Chambers, for the right to lead the SNP group into next years Council Elections. Seems like caped crusader and former fire fighter Gavin nee naw Barrie, at least he’s had a real job, looks set to challenge the hapless current leader Sandy foot in it Howat. Friend Howat has been talking out of school and has allegedly upset many of his colleagues, and with nee naw Barrie having lost narrowly last time round we could be in for a session of musical chairs.

It appears from whispers we have heard that nee naw is well respected by the local membership if not a tad wishy washy. The fact that he actually knows what it is to have had a real job must be a plus for him. He is aware of the current factions within the SNP but we wonder if he might not bury his head in the sand should he win a leadership contest. We understand he is also aware of officials that have been doing their own thing while pocketing backhanders as well as receiving generous salary’s. Again we wonder if he wins a leadership contest would he start to clean this most corrupt of councils up. On balance we doubt it but are prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Our sources tell us that he is finding favor amongst his colleagues who are also unhappy at friend Howats lack of discretion. We also hear that nee naw is keen on Community involvement so as a bonus we advise him to seek out if he can the Royston School debacle, something which Sucks investigated and found gross negligence on the part of officials and something which has cost the Council a massive unnecessary spend.

Foot in it Howat – promised to make the SNP a more assertive partner within the coalition”
And has he done that? Clearly not.
As far as we can see the SNP group on the council have achieved little or nothing since being elected, they have effectively “laid back an thought of…Scotland” whilst being shafted by Prada Hinds and Co.
If they are looking for votes next time they are going to have to get off their derrieres and work for it, live up to the promises of past manifesto’s, ditch this insane “trams extension” idea, go after corrupt officials and actually “do” something for this city!

It’s All A Smokescreen

Friends and readers.

While the anoraks and Guardian readers argue over whether we should be members of the EU the rest of us mug punters have still got to try and make a living while the Tories cut everything to the bone. The average Joe in the street couldn’t give a fuck if we are in or out, they get screwed anyway, one bent politician and corrupt official is the same here or anywhere else, and if you live in the pot holed City of Edinburgh then you will be well acquainted with bent politicians and corrupt officials. Imagine being set adrift on a boat with only Prada Hinds as your companion and asked whether you would be better off with her in or out of the boat. Of course you are going to say throw her overboard, but that still leaves you alone in the boat, but you can now breath easily as hopeless Hinds has gone.

So if you vote to stay in the EU then your sure to be ripped off conned and made to pay for the easy life of the Eurocrats. If you vote to come out of the EU then we are still going to be conned and ripped off and worse case scenario hopeless Hinds wins the Edinburgh North and Leith Constituency in May, then the poor punters may wish they were on the European mainland. Sucks won’t be contributing much in this EU debate, we will leave that to the insane and the flat Earth society, in or out it really is irrelevant as the poor mug punters will keep getting shafted regardless.

Of course our noble first minister wee Nicki frae Govan is batting for the in team, the queen of smoke and mirrors who by complete lack of opposition is well ahead in the polls say’s that the decision on continued membership could trigger another referendum if the Scottish punters don’t like the result, what about the Scots suckers who vote to leave, don’t their opinions count, clearly not and it’s strange that none of the commentators have posed that question to wee Nicki, must be they are afraid of not getting back through the doors of Bute House, given she seems to be a shu in come May.

Never mind that fuckin EU vote the punters in Edinburgh North and Leith will be the very punters set adrift on the boat should the unthinkable happen and hopeless Hinds wins in May, and given the lack luster SNP campaign, beleaguered by splits, that’s not impossible. Far from it as the SNP candidate Ben your Honour MacPherson hasn’t a clue about the Constituency and cares even less, and that’s not sucks saying that, that comes from within his own loyal band of brigands. We hear that some very experienced members are reluctant to get involved in the campaign, due to the campaign team headed by smarmy Black and tosser MacGlip. The names that have been made available to Sucks reads like a who’s who guide and if the SNP can do without the caliber of these people then Benny boy and his magnificent men must be relying heavily on the opinion polls to win.

We at Sucks of course remain entirely neutral but if Hinds is the best that Labour can come up with then the barrel has had the bottom of it completely scraped away. Benny boy is a prisoner of the nutty yes mob who have infiltrated the SNP and will do exactly what the Militant tendency did to the Labour party, destroy it. Already we see SNP MP’s on the crook, and they came through the yes campaign. Riddled with malcontents and chancers they will ultimately bring the SNP down and wee Nickie is doing nothing to blunt their knives of destruction. Neither is her hubby and chief executive of the SNP Peter Murrell who knows exactly what is going on but does nothing.

So who does the punter in Edinburgh North and Leith vote for or the ones that bother to vote that’s the big question. Hopeless Hinds is in the last chance saloon, if she loses and at the moment that seems almost inevitable then the poor punters of Edinburgh still have to put upwith her costly fuck ups at Council level, yes dear friends she will remain a Councillor at least till May 2017, nae luck eh. And if Benny boy should win as the opinion polls indicate then he will be spokes person for the yes nutters and the Edinburgh North and Leith Constituency will be the big losers. So it’s heads you lose tails you lose. Never mind there is always the EU referendum to look forward to and all the shit that will be spouted about that den of thieves.

So just as a way of brightening a very dull outlook we will leave you with a funny. Remember vote early vote often if you can find somebody worth voting for.

When God created Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction. Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look.
‘Just see,” said God. “This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I’ve given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some.”
Gabriel took an appreciative sip. “Excellent,” he said. “But haven’t you perhaps been too kind to them? Won’t they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?”
‘Just wait till you see the neighbours they’re getting,” said God.

Lights Camera Action

Friends and readers.

For all you movies buffs out there, we are sure you are all too aware of the latest releases so we won’t bore you with the Sucks review, instead we will bring a little warmth into your souls with a rye look at a night at the flics.

Ah yes you have spotted a goodie, one that isn’t a bloody musical nor has subtitles, where do they get that shit, said a punter who thought he bought a ticket to see Kung foo pandas in drag only to find out it was a Swedish cult [another word for crap] movie which lasted three hours and sitting on a seat that could end up giving you piles.

Then there’s Bollywood, what a lot of dross, another lot of cult movies, at least we think it was cult they said. But dear friends back to the bread and butter movies and the big budget blockbusters with hugely expensive special effects and not a song or subtitle in sight. Which brings us nicely to a night out at the pictures at at multi plex near you.

Fantastic stuff. If you have ever been to the Vue at Ocean Terminal, queuing for tickets is an epic in itself. Try not to stand behind someone who is ordering a three course meal consisting of the most awful overpriced shit you are ever likely to encounter, in fact you could put what is served up disguised as food into a horror movie alongside all these shity Zombie movies that seem to be the flavor of the month at present.

But if queuing is not your poison then there is the ticket machine which talks to you, but never seems to work judging by the frustrated punters complaining that the machine tried to sell them double glazing instead of a ticket. Once you have sweated blood and acquired your ticket the tantalizing rows of pick and mix sweeties hit you full on alongside the frozen solid ice cream which has sent many a movies goer to the dentist.

But dear friends don’t be lured by the chocolate raisins, wine gums, endless smarties, or the old favorite white chocolate mice, you will need a loan to pay for your teeth rotting delights. Extortionate is not the word at least Dick Turpin wore a mask. Your sugar fix will be an expensive one very expensive. So avoiding the great sweet robbery you make your way by stair or escalator to the screen where your chosen movie will be shown. You can also purchase a VIP seat with it’s sumptuous imitation leather seats and cup holder which is so big that your sugar laden family size fizzy drink falls straight throw the hole in the middle, or you can’t find it in the dark and you miss the holder dropping it onto the floor with the rest of the fizzy drink casualties.

Taking your seat before the main event starts, is always the sensible thing to do as it allows you time to scroll through your latest purchases from e-bay on your all singing and dancing phone, before the voice from above or somewhere like that tells you to turn your phone off or face the wrath of God. Taking you coat off is an exercise in logistics as there is no-where to put it bar the floor or the back of the chair in front of you which Sods law dictates will be taken by someone the moment you place your coat on the back of said chair, and that’s even if there is only a handful of people at the particular film you have chosen to spend your hard earned on.

One saving grace is we now have no more flea pits that pass as cinemas, remember, or those of a certain age will, the Salon, the La’scala which specialized in soft porn and also attracted the dirty mac brigade, ah halcyon days. All that is now but a distant memory replaced by the proverbial late comer. Yes friends it doesn’t matter what time you go to the movie of your choice, just as it’s about to start or better still when it has started in comes the late arrivals who almost certainly or destiny has dictated will be sitting in the same row as you. Loaded up with the giant sized box of popcorn, jumbo sized hot dogs smothered in something that science has yet to discover and finely balanced right on the edge of their hand and seemingly impossible, yes you have got it the humongous paper carton full of Coco Cola with ice cubes the size of small glaciers, and they are attempting to get by you cos wouldn’t you know it they are sitting in the same row your are.

This tactical maneuver has all the makings of a disaster and you can seriously visualize getting soaked, burnt, covered in some slimy shit that loosely resembles a sauce of some kind, or all three if they trip on your coat which by now is on the floor because there is nowhere to put the fuckin thing and if you put it on your lap then a nasty rumor might circulate among the assembled patrons. Then just as you think the worst is over the munching starts as the punters next to you are fighting their way through the over priced nasty’s which echos in you ear hole and makes you wish that the voice which threatened you with the wrath of God should you not switch off your mobile phone, returned to tell the munchers to shut the fuck up. But fear not dear friends help is at hand almost divine but not quite.

Apparently or allegedly whatever you fancy, due to the chemical reaction that the overpriced edible nasty’s have on your nervous system, within minutes of consuming said shit you become almost frozen in situ. So the next time you have someone eating overpriced garbage who by dictate of Sods law is next to you just have a little patience, and if you after a a few minutes hear nothing then look and see if this is indeed the case and the punters are frozen in situ just as they were about to dig into the last of their jumbo sized hot dog with radioactive sauce. Enjoy the movie.

Ah Yes That’s Where It Is.

Friends and readers.

The punters bible Pilton Sucks likes to put a smile on it’s readers faces as living under the dark cloud of Edinburgh shity Council God knows we need a laugh.

Willie and his wife Mary are awakened at 3 o’clock early one Saturday morning by a loud pounding on the door. Willie gets up and goes to the door where he sees a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain.

‘Give us a push’ says the swaying stranger. ‘Not a chance’, says the husband, ‘It is three o’ clock in the morning.’ He slams the door and returns to bed.

‘Who was that?’ asked his wife. ‘Just some drunk guy asking for a push’, he answers.

‘Did you help him?’ Mary asks. ‘No. I did not. It is three o’ clock in the morning and it is pouring with rain outside.

His wife said, ‘Don’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Willie does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello! Are you still there? ‘Yes’, comes back the answer.

‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out Willie. ‘Yes. Please.’ comes the reply from the darkness.

‘Where are you?’ asks Willie.
‘Over here on the swing’, replies the drunk.

If you are an employee of Edinburgh shity Council, with it’s corrupt band of Officials you will be aware of this once great City’s motto, where it is to be found on a plaque outside the Chief executives office.

There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that
Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Patriotic Endeavor

Friends and readers.

Continuing on our Scottish flavored humour before the depressing election campaigns get into full swing and we have wannabe politicians coming out of our ass holes, oops never a truer word spoke in jest, maybe our ear holes would be a safer bet here’s another attempt at a funny.

Wee Shuggie is in a terrible state and goes to see a private therapist, too terrified to go to a doctor in case they declare him mad.

“So how can I help?” asks the therapist.

“It’s like this,” says Wee Shuggie. “Ah’ve started getting these fears at night, and they are getting worse! I keep thinking somebody is under the bed, so I go down under it to look and no one’s there. Then my brain tells me there’s somebody on top of the bed and it goes on like this all night: under, top, under, top. It’s driving me mental!”

The therapist thinks for a bit and says, “I am positive I can cure you of this. Now, I want you to come and see me twice a week for the next six months for a two hour session each time.”

“And how much will that be?” asks Wee Shuggie.

“£60 per session,” the therapist informs him. Shuggie leaves, troubled at the thought of all that money, and goes for a consoling drink at his local. The therapist never sees Wee Shuggie again, until one day months later he bumps into him in the street. The therapist is surprised to see Shuggie looking so well, not the sleep-deprived maniac he’d seen before.

“Why did you never come back?” he asks Shug.

“At £60 a pop, twice a week, for six months? You must be kidding! The barman at the local cured me for a tenner!”

“How on earth did he do that?”

“He told me to buy a saw and cut the legs off the bed!”

Scottish Funny

Friends and readers.

With the Olympics due soon we thought that instead of having a bunch of inadequates trying to get their noses into the political trough at Holyrood, why not host the Olympic Games instead, at least you know for certain the elected mob who run this farce are a bunch of crooks. So here goes.

Glasgow to Host the Olympics eventually.

In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games the organisers of Glasgow’s bid have drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

Opening Ceremony – The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Easterhouse area), wearing the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

The Events – In previous Olympic games, Scotland’s competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes:

100 Metres Sprint- Competitors will have to hold an X Box and microwave oven(one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 Metres Hurdle – As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.)

Hammer – Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

Fencing – Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry as possible in 5 minutes

Shooting – A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police car, the next a post office van and then a Securicor wages vehicle.

Boxing – Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennents lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials – Competitors will break into the University bike sheds and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

Cycling Pursuit- As above but the bike will belong to a visiting member of the Australian rugby team who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon – Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy-riding and arson.

The Marathon – A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

Swimming – Competitors will be thrown off the Clyde Suspension Bridge. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

Men’s 50km Walk – Unfortunately this event will have to be cancelled as police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.

Closing Ceremony – Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Glasgow Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Govan Boys Band. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.