Monthly Archives: March 2016

The Brand Is Crisis

Friends and readers.

We are now officially up and running for the snout in trough handicap chase with the winner taking up their all expenses paid seat in the Scottish Parliament.

Down in sunny Edinburgh North and Leith you can practically hear Ben your honour MacPherson rubbing his hands together as his party the SNP are well ahead in the polls, just as well as Benny boy has been running a facebook campaign which means you can con most of the punters most of the time keeping the real work to a minimum. Photos a plenty of the happy smiling campaign team which is about all they are doing as we hear that there are still thousands of introductory leaflets still to go out, best using a distribution team Benny boy, oops have we let the cat out of the bag, remember to put that in the expenses returns, or we might have to remind the returning officer.

That little issue aside the punters can barely contain their excitement as the campaign moves up a gear, same sort of excitement that’s generated while you stand in the Scotmid queue or the queue to get into the queue. Now there’s an idea for Benny boy if he wants a trapped audience, campaign in Scotmid, only problem being that it will be the same punters you will be lying to as they are unlikely to get served before May5th.

Pilton Sucks as always remains neutral but we will all get served up the same shit and lies by all the candidates with the most shit coming from the two leading protagonists Labours Lesley Prada Hinds or hopeless to her mates, and Ben your honour MacPherson for the SNP, the rest are merely bystanders and also rans, and that’s showbiz folks. Benny boy is on his starting blocks and will turn up for the opening of an envelope if he is asked, while Prada Hinds plots and schemes as to how best to avoid the punters she needs to vote for her while at the same time smiling through gritted teeth, which rumour has it are her own allegedly.

Hopeless Hinds has been quite on the calamity front with no current fuck ups to speak of, doesn’t need any she has enough to fill a ballot box or two, but she must be hoping that her major fuck ups don’t catch up with her until or if she is elected, like the Tram inquiry, which if it takes any longer will have cost as much as the shity Trams did in the first place, and of course the Edinburgh life long learning project which she chaired and which £400,000 of taxpayers dosh has gone ta ta along with the now retired Mike the fraud Rosendale.

How do these fuckers get away with it, maybe any investigation team should ask the SNP’s favorite fraud Michelle Thomson how to work a scam and get away with it. The money went missing on Pradas watch and she has been very quite about it all along with her £20,000 of SSE shares, the same SSE that has a lucrative contract with Edinburgh shity Council and got heavily fined for conning their punters. What a bunch of thieving assholes.

We are preached to by a bunch of chancers who when they get elected fuck us over and steal from us. Meanwhile back at the ranch Benny boy has at least a party leader who skillfully manages to avoid any type of responsibility or accountability as there is no opposition to speak of in Holyrood so wee Nickie can bob and weave with all the patriotic verve of a snake while our country teeters on the brink of bankruptcy.

Then we have Kezia Dugdale Labours finest and if you watched or could stand to watch the leaders debate on the telly you would have witnessed probably or arguably the worst television performer that Labour has produced. She just hasn’t got it, can’t get it right and hasn’t a clue how to deal with wee Nickie who is streets ahead of her and she knows it. It might have helped if the Daily Record columnist Dugdale had managed to have a job of some kind before she entered Holyrood through the back door of the list. Wee Nickie must be down on her knees at night praying to her God thanking him or her for the jobless wonder Dugdale. If ever there was an electoral liability it’s Kezia Dugdale, who has to date taken her party to it’s lowest opinion poll rating in electoral history, an achievement in itself.

So where does that leave the anti Socialist Lesley Prada Hinds, does anybody care, probably not, well nobody except our Lesley herself who may well miss out on her last big chance of robbing the public purse while kidding on she actually believes in what she says which isn’t much and certainly isn’t worth listening to. Don’t see Lesley desperate to have Kezia her glorious leader anywhere near her as she can fuck it up all by herself without anyone’s help.

Yes folks we at Sucks will keep you informed of every bit of the action real or make believe keeping you informed of the bits that the honorable candidates don’t want you to hear.

Game For A Laugh

Friends and readers.

With the SNP seemingly set for victory in Mays Holyrood elections, the sleaze which has started to take the gilt off the ginger bread has yet to stick to them at the ballot box. News has reached the ears of Pilton Sucks of yet another potential problem and we will get to that shortly.

It seems all is not well in the Ben your honour MacPherson camp with rumours that one of his hand chosen drones has been kicked out, quietly of course. Sucks told our readership that Benny boy had handpicked Iain smarmy Black and Jason tosser McGilip to head his campaign team ignoring the more experienced members of the party. Well it is or it seems to be the case that smarmy Black has been removed from the team, after repeated attempts to bully members into working his way in the campaign.

What a surprise, Sucks was told this would happen and hey presto it has. Smarmy has repeatedly over the period tried to bully and intimidate members and office bearers, with little or no success so we were staggered to learn that Benny boy had head hunted him to co front his campaign which given the current circumstances throws doubt on Benny Boys judgement. Tosser was more subtle, he made the snowballs for some other mug to throw them, but this arrogant bum was a part of the gang that tried to grab control of the local party and turn it into a yes Scotland campaign party.

Given again that Benny boy head hunted him as well there must be a serious doubt about his judgement calls. We understand written complaints were sent to the SNP headquarters outlining how these mutants were in breach of party policy, but to date compliance officer Ian McCann we are told has taken no action. Watch this space.

Now dear friends it’s time for the latest potential sleaze to hit this the party of Government. We are informed by a reliable source in the East part of the City that favored son and former red flag carrier Tommy ha ha Sheppherd SNP MP for Edinburgh East may have forgotten how to add up. We all know our Tommy was intimately involved in the Edinburgh comedy stand club, but we are told he also had or has an interest in the sister club in Glasgow, were again we are told that he received money from but forgot to mention it. So if that is the case let us help you out Tommy. If you have earnings outside of your well paid Westminster salary plus expences then you must declare it. ignorance of the law is not an excuse. Again watch this space.

Out In The Open

Friends and readers.

The allegations surrounding the murky dealings of the Edinburgh life long learning project and the missing cash linger on to the extent that Price Waterhouse have been brought in to investigate what happened. We at Sucks hope this is not another taxpayer funded futile exercise were nothing untoward will be found.

Clearly the dirty tricks brigade were out in force to try and bring down John Travers the person who sought to bring to the fore what was going on. We applaud Mr.Travers and the courage he has shown in the face on consistent attacks on him by person or persons unknown within the Council. Clearly criminal activity took place in the abuse Mr. Travers received and the perpetrators must be brought to justice.

Sucks has information which names certain individuals allegedly involved in this abuse, but while an investigation is ongoing we are not at liberty to reveal these named people. Should a representative of Price Waterhouse wish to contact Sucks through the usual channels we will be more than happy to release the names and evidence to them. Mr Travers has suffered horrendous abuse and there must be no hiding place for the individuals concerned. It seems now that the Coucil has an unwritten policy of targeting people should they speak out, something Sucks has been saying for a long time.

Sucks has been contacted in the recent past by employees of the Council who told us of the climate of intimidation and threats should they dare to speak out, this in turn has of course allowed corrupt officials to run with their own agenda lining their own pockets. No doubt new Economic Development Convener Gavin nee naw Barrie if he hits the ground running will find out that his predecessor and now new SNP group leader Frank fingers Ross was duped and lied to by officials, while they carried out their own personal policy.

Sucks knows of and has evidence of at least one major project in the City which was mishandled by officials and will cost the City in excess of £10 million and it’s right under the new Conveners nose, all he has to do is ask the question and he will find either a cover up or no answer at all.

Mr. Travers has been a victim of sustained intimidation and serial bullying, let these bastards try it with Sucks, see how far they get. We know who you are and at the drop of a hat will publicly name you. Edinburgh Life Long Learning Project was a financial disaster, yet another Council fuck up with £400,000 of public money unaccounted for.

And who do you think was Chair of this project during this time, why wouldn’t you guess it, of course it was, none other than our old mate and Calamity Jane of Local Government Lesley Prada Hinds. What does she know about this mess, she is after all very experienced in fucking up, and we hope and that the investigators have the brains and sense to question the now retired chancer Mike Rosendale, you might find his answers more than interesting.

Reflective Moments

Friends and readers.

Imagine if you will trying to get through on the phone to the Council, yes no chance and if you do then getting to speak to the right person is near on an impossibility. Got a complaint, go fuck yourself is the message on the Council answering machine, might as well be, and if you think your local Councillor will help you, think again, once your vote is cast you are history, till the next election of course.

Right now we are or will be experiencing political candidates desperate to wipe our asses as they bid to dip their snouts in the Holyrood trough, promising everything they can think of, practically groveling for your vote, but once elected they think of themselves as a bit above the average pleb as they rush to climb the greasy pole.

You will be but a memory not even that, and once elected the rehearsals start for all the reasons and excuses why they cannot help you. Bit depressing isn’t it but unfortunately that’s the reality of politics, it benefits the few and screws the many. So we thought that a little poetry might help you through those dark days to come of your elected member running the opposite way if he or she should spot you, or when you trudge along to their surgery only to find some party hack researcher standing in and taking notes, which end up disappearing or just tossed in the bucket, misplaced it’s called

When you feel like quitting.

When you feel like quitting,
When life becomes hard to live,
Remember this simple poem
And give all you’ve got to give.

Greatness doesn’t come easy,
And neither does being strong
But you’ve got to LIVE your life
Rather than just get on.

When you feel like quitting,
And your worries got you stuck
Remember why you started
And know you won’t give up

Pick your ass off the couch
And follow these three steps
Look ahead, focus the mind, don’t slouch.

When you feel like quitting,
Remember, life’s too short
To spend it worrying, about
Problems of any sort

Your life is yours and yours alone
So make it the best you can
Live every day as if it’s your last
Don’t always follow the plan.

When you feel like quitting,
When all you want is rest,
Remember this simple quote,
Do good, want better, be best.

Mehr Ethnische Humor

Freunde, leser und kollegen Euro tassen.

You will of course instantly recognize that our language this time is courtesy of our friends the Gerries. Not only does their football team never seem to get fuckin beat you still get the feeling that they think they are better than everyone else, certainly think that about their European brothers and sisters.

Never mind we are still all one big happy family, the Germans baby sit the rest of us while Granny Merkel frequently treats her fellow leaders like naughty Grand children, and the Americans just scratch their asses and reach for their history books, European history that is given they have little of their own, and want to forget how they almost managed to massacre the entire Indian nation.

On a lighter note here’s some more funnies, by the way our friends the Gerries are not known for their sense of humour but then again they probably haven’t watched any of our league football.

Angus lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His salivating lips parted; the wondrous taste of the scone was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those!” she snapped. “They’re for the funeral.”

This is a very old joke – it takes place 300 years ago and is about the King of Scotland travelling on a horse-drawn coach from London to Scotland. The King decided he wanted to drive the coach and swopped places with the coachman. Being a reckless King, he urged the horses to go faster and faster. A troop of Scottish Cavalry spotted the coach careering along the road and suspecting it had been stolen, the commander sent a young officer to investigate. When he reached the coach he immediately recognised the King and returned to report. The officer asked, “Who was in the coach, a thief or bandit?” The cadet replied, “No, sir, someone of great importance.” The officer then asked, “Who then, the local Sheriff?”
“Oh no, sir,” replied the cadet, “someone much more important.”
“More important?” asked the officer. “Was it the Earl?” “Oh no, sir,” trembled the cadet, “someone even more important than the Earl.”
“I give up,” growled the officer. “Who was it?”
The cadet nervously said “I dinna know, but the King is his coachman!”

Algunos Humor Etnico

Amigos y lectores

Continuing the European theme we have a little Spanish this time, Can’t accuse Sucks of not getting into the party mood.
Anyway here’s a couple of ethnic jokes just to put the humorous side of things. If your delicate state finds these jokes offensive then to bad.

There are four kinds of people in the UK –
First, there are the Scots who kept the Sabbath – and everything else they can lay their hands on;
Then there are the Welsh – who prayed on their knees and their neighbours.
Thirdly there are the Irish who never knew what they wanted – but were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there are the English who considered themselves self-made men, – thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, “Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English.” They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, “This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English.” Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, “My good man, didn’t the English win any battles around here”? “Not when I’m driving the bus” was the response.

Sommes-Nous Cyniques

Friends and readers.

In the spirit and high regard we all hold the European Community in, We gave the title of our latest post a little French touch, we are sure that all our Euro sisters and brothers will be able to translate it with minimum effort.

Eh bien les amis et les lecteurs, it seems around around 500 punters have left the employ of the shity Council through the various schemes available. It would be interesting to know would it not if any of the 500 were the 500 who earn over £50,000 a year.

Wonder what’s happening at Muppet mansion. No doubt our old mate Prada Hinds is in a bit of a panic regarding this whole issue of compulsory redundancies. She fears that some of the critical management skills honed over many years, by her managers in both Environmental and Transport departments will be lost for ever. She rightly points to the high level of street cleansing, refuse collection and road maintenance as proving her point.
We would concur with that concern. If these highly skilled managers were to be forced out through CR, then no longer could we expect the high level of street cleansing, refuse collection and road maintenance that we now enjoy.
Prada is rightly very worried.
A vote for Prada is a vote for , well, who knows what. What a gal eh!

Moon Landing Was Faked

Friends and readers.

Another week done in the unofficial, official election campaign, and the party’s are gearing up for the official launch of the unofficial campaign that has already started, exciting isn’t it. We had wee Nickie preaching to the faithful asking again for their trust and your vote of course and not a bent SNP MP to be seen.

Down in sunny Edinburgh North and Leith campaigning has been under way for some time with Ben your honor MacPherson the early front runner waving the SNP banner and promising to be a campaigning MSP for the constituency, yes campaign is the new catch word and all the candidates will be doing plenty of it.

For those that follow Twitter Labours Lesley prada Hinds is certainly doing a lot of twitting or is it tweeting never sure with our Lesley. But the word according to Prada is that she attended a public meeting at the Prentice Center, [didn't know that was in her ward], in fact it’s not, and her electioneering as well, naughty naughty Lesley and made a pledge to find the dosh to keep it open, that’s the kiss of death then.

The picture on Twitter does it’s best to squeeze out Benny Boy on what must have been his first foray into uncharted territory but no doubt this self professed campaigning candidate will not be back on what was we are told a full house and an unhappy one, so not a lot of votes there Benny Boy, so we advise you stop listening to the chancers in your campaign team who don’t know their ass from their elbow, and try listening to punters who actually know whats going on if they can be bothered telling you.

While we are at it, is it not the case in fact it is the case that the Prentice Center was built with Urban Aid money some 20 odd years ago. And is it not the case, and in fact it is because we checked that if the Council go ahead and close the Center then they will have to repay the Urban Aid money, around about £100,000, bet none of the great and good mentioned that little beauty, probably didn’t know and if they did were certainly not going to offer that gem up.

Maybe that’s something Benny boy could get his campaigning teeth into, but he would probably need to understand what Urban Aid was as he won’t have a clue, on second thoughts probably best sticking to being a campaigning candidate but a selective campaigning candidate. Bet your bottom Dollar Prada knows all about it, might start there Benny boy.

Now that the SNP conference has finished the faithful can head back rejuvenated and full of campaigning spirit, think some of that campaigning spirit was on sale in Litre bottles on one of the stalls at the conference. Not that Labour leader Kezia trumpton Dugdale has anything to crow about, her lot are so far behind in the polls they might as well not bother, and if you have a look at the list of their candidates, Trumptons promise of fresh blood is a nonsense, almost all of Labours candidates are party hacks whose knowledge of the real world comes out of the Guardian.

And wouldn’t you know it long standing hack and the calamity Jane of local politics, yes friends no new blood here either just Lesley prada Hinds with her finger in the dam hoping to keep her defeat to a respectable few hundred votes. But at least Benny boy is new, well more second hand but nearly new. Benny boy is lauded as a rising star in the SNP but then so was fraud Michelle Thomson and light fingered Nicola McGarry, not so much rising as fading. But if Benny boy is in need of divine inspiration he can hot foot over to Edinburgh Central where Alison happy clappy Dickie is standing as the SNP candidate, must be divine inspiration or intervention if she got selected, another punter from the yes campaign.

It appears that if you were not from or involved with the yes Scotland campaign, then you are not quoted with the SNP, think their vetting procedures need closer scrutiny eh Nickie. We had a close look at some of the candidates that appear on the SNP list and in Benny boy’s case it seems contrary to the propaganda that is flying around he has had little or no involvement up till now with local organisations, we checked. So our campaigning candidate had better get campaigning and a little less of the not so accurate propaganda.

At least Prada knows her way round the local stuff and her hand picked favorites, and she is bound to make great play of that. Will it help her probably not. But this, bar a miracle, and they are the property of Alison happy clappy Dickie, will be Prada’s last stand so she has to give it everything if she is to shake of the shackles of local Government and dip her snout in the Holyrood trough. The other famous last stand was at little Bighorn and look what happened there. Benny boy is no Geronimo but he won’t need to be as his seventh Calvary should take him past the post, but he needs to cut the crap and the Facebook shit roll up his sleeves and get grafting, something up to now despite what you read he has not done, opinion polls alone won’t win you the seat Benny boy.

The Moon Is In Uranus

Friends and readers.

Election fever is almost on us and you don’t need to read the horoscope, tea leaves or wait till the planets align to see that according to all the polls that we are plagued with and the ones to come, the SNP are likely to sweep the boards come May 5th. Now that may or may not be the case, but whoever eventually comes out the winner the punters always get fucked that’s a cert and you don’t need a stupid bloody opinion poll to tell you that.

Wee Nickie is moaning about the date of the European referendum, yes that’s the other lot of tossers who fuck us from Brussels, being to close to the Scottish parliament elections. She must reckon that the mug punter voter will get confused about what to vote for and why, listen Nickie we have been confused about what and why for years so don’t worry a little more confusion will just add to the existing confusion or something like that.

As far as we can see which in all this smoke and mirrors jargon is not to far both Labour and the SNP are in favour of staying in Europe so if you vote either Labour or SNP on May 5th and then vote out on June 20th you are screwed, make sense so far. Thought not. The yes nutters say a no vote in England will trigger another independence referendum but that’s not in the SNP manifesto but then again apart from the anoraks who reads that shit. The unionists are sitting smugly on the fence realizing that while the SNP get their tartan knickers in a twist their candidates for election to Holyrood will be giving any discussion of Europe a wide berth just in case they meet an out voter on the doorsteps.

The Tories are tearing themselves apart in England over Europe, isn’t that a shame, and Ruthie kick boxer Davidson thinks that while confusion, yep more confusion reigns supreme in the English Tory party she can nip up the middle and her lot can become the second force in Scottish politics, more chance of Ibrox holding a Catholic convention, oops wee bit religion crept in there.

Once the official campaign kicks into gear, not the campaign that’s already been under way for a wee while, yep more confusion, we will hear all the arguments about this and that and why we should vote a particular way and the repercussions with a spot of hell and damnation thrown in should you vote for the other lot. Meanwhile back at the ranch in the real world our services are being butchered to save a few quid and the poorest paid are being threatened with the order of the boot while overpaid corrupt officials are protected from the chill wind of service rationalization, and that’s in the Council right on wee Nickie’s doorstep.

But we digress, the bigger picture is what we are looking at here and who is going to be in charge after May 5th apart from the bloated Civil servants and their consultant friends who don’t stand for election but get the cream off the milk every time no matter which joker is elected. So very soon we will be inundated with candidates making promises they won’t keep and Euro skeptics telling us that Europe is the devil incarnate and we would be better off going it alone, and making deals with all the other also rans many of whom would like to get into the club but don’t want to pay the fees.

Down in Euro skeptic allegedly, Edinburgh North and Leith the two main hopefuls Labours Lesley Prada Hinds and the SNP’s Ben your honor MacPherson are fans of the European gravy train aren’t they? Or they are if their leaders tell them they are, so you won’t get a cigarette paper betwen their views on Europe, as if the punters in Muirhouse, Pilton, Granton and surrounding areas apart from leafy Trinity give a fuck about Europe, they are far to busy trying to make ends meet as they and other deprived areas take the brunt of service cuts, oops sounds a little left wing, can’t have that can we now.

So the confused punter, yes even more confusion worries about how to pay the rent and feed their families, don’t go to Scotmid they will die of starvation while you wait in the queue, they have to make up their minds who to vote for and why and that’s just for the Holyrood elections. Once you have been patronized by that lot and the winning candidates run off to dip their snout in the trough, you will be plagued again by the in out debate which has already started and we haven’t voted yet for anybody, just thought we would add a little more confusion to the mix, which will try and persuade you to vote in a particular way. While all this is going on Scotland will have a new Government which will be telling us to vote to stay in Europe, and the ink is not even dry on the ballot papers yet.

So what if Scotland votes SNP and out of Europe, confused, well no not really as wee Nickie might threaten another referendum which is not in the manifesto which no fucker reads anyway, confused, course you are. So Scotland votes Labour, now there’s a fantasy to far, and the punters vote out, Labour are in favour of Europe as well but they won’t threaten another referendum, confused again, course you are. So you vote for Benny boy, he’s in the yes camp so he will unless he wakes up support another referendum which is not in his party manifesto should his lot win but you vote out, confused yep.

You vote, if you are pissed, doped or just plain nuts for Prada Hinds, she wins but Labour lose, she supports the union so no fuckin chance she will support another referendum, gets a little more confusing does it not. So by Pradas reckoning Edinburgh North and Leith is a referendum free zone, thank fuck for that, but the punters voted out. Oh fuck it who cares, as one thing is for sure with all the candidates and skeptics and pro this and anti that mob out on the streets harassing the general populace, if you stand still long enough it won’t just be the moon thats in uranus.

Applications By Humour

Friends and readers.

Our wide and varied readership often come up with some funny stuff and some juicy tit bits, like Community Socialist, raconteur and down right chancer Willie i love me Black haveing fun in the sun with Lottery grant money and then having the cheek to deny it, yes it takes all sorts.

So it was fortuitous that one of our readers came across this little gem and sent it to us via our Bermudian tax haven which we use as a fact finding dodge, should have asked Willie for advice about that, He’s bound to know about scams and dodges.

McDonald’s Application Form

This is allegedly an actual job application a punter submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Telford Road Edinburgh

NAME: Yes

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: £185,000 a year plus stock options and a bankers style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Lottery.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising