Monthly Archives: November 2016

The Longish Goodbuy

Friends and readers.

It has come to the attention of the ever eager ears of Pilton Sucks that we are going to lose yet another of our favourite characters. Yes friends our pal and lover of all things Gothic Vickie the hat Redpath is upping sticks and moving to Orkney. Our pal Vickie was never cut out for the back stabbing cut throat world of politics so the Laborious party will need to find another sucker to stand as a candidate in Forth if indeed they will run two candidates.

So Vickie is packing it all in and taking herself and her collection of Iron Maiden and Metallica records all the way to sunny Orkney where she will become an Orckadian or something like that. But she will take her memories of the wonderful Pilton Sucks with her, oh and her varied collection of hats with her as well, bit cold up there.

As always we are sad when a member of the Sucks family departs but fear not Vickie for you will be able to get the peoples favourite blog site in the hinter lands of Orkney.

Bon Voyage.

Bush Tucker Tribulations

Friends and readers

No doubt many of you will be glued to your TV screens watching a bunch of Z list celebrities munch their way through various animal bits on I’m a celebrity get me out of here.

So Pilton Sucks thought we would come up with our own version of this Jungle adventure and title it I’m a chancer chase me out of here.

We need of course our own little group of Z Listers and we have an abundance of talent to choose from, only problem is who do we leave out, decisions decisions, and who do we disappoint.

First chancer into the jungle of Forth is family favourite Pete(formerly the perm)Strong
Second chancer into the jungle of Forth is our old pal Lesley Prada Hinds
Third chancer to try their hand at winning stars for the team is Lottery favourite Willie community socialist Black
Next up to try the delicacy of rat and chips is our Goth pal Vickie the hat Redpath
Enter stage left grining from ear to ear and full of confidence is our next chancer Andy pandy Burns
Striding in with an air of complacency is the all singing and dancing Ben your honour MacPherson
Next in with her didgery do and can of constituent repellent is Diedre cobber Brock
Last and very least is the team captain who like Popeye loves his Spinach flavoured Guinea pigs Andy pale face Kerr

Our Bush Tucker trial is a good yin and pits our brave contestants in a room with no doors and windows facing the wrath of a couple of disgruntled residents of Sunny Muirhouse. It doesn’t end there, to get out of the room you have to convince the punters that you are working in their interests, yes we know that’s practically impossible but it beats eating rats knackers or does it?

Pete’s first up and tells the disgruntled residents that he alone is leading the fight to spend the budget on improvements in the area and deserves to be set free from the room. Of course what he doesn’t tell them is that if the project is cocked up the preferred contractor still gets his taxpayers dosh and doesn’t have to repair or complete it. Sorry Pete it’s rats knackers for you.

Our little ray of sunshine Lesley is up next to face the disgruntled residents and tells them it’s not her fault if everything she touches goes belly up and costs the taxpayers a fortune, and tells our disgruntled residents that if she could just have a few million pounds more she could make things even worse. Sorry Lesley it’s rats knackers for you as well.

Then to a chorus of boos comes raconteur and good egg Willie community socialist Black who is next to face the disgruntled residents. Oor Willie ever the charleton with an eye to the main chance tells our by now not only disgruntled but frustrated residents that if they say nothing he knows how to get them a few quid from the big Lottery. Sorry Willie but it’s rats knackers for you as well and raw at that.

Just as it seems it can’t get any worse for our disgruntled and frustrated residents up pops resident Goth and lover of all things that go on your head Vickie the hat Redpath. Vickie appeals to the better side of our disgruntled and growing more frustrated residents and tells them not only is she Labours light in a darkening sky but she will be if selected a candidate in their area come next May. By now the disgruntled and even more frustrated residents reach for the emergency bottle of Valium supplied by the Samaritans. Sorry Vickie but it’s rats knackers for you as well.

You may think at this stage we had forgotten about Community stalwart Cammy squint tie Day, well your right, we have, you wait for one labour councillor and two turn up at the same time, far to much to bear for our much maligned disgruntled and frustrated residents.

In strides Andy pandy Burns with his brand new Beano annual under his arm. Andy proudly tells our now crest fallen disgruntled and totally frustrated residents that he will lead them to the promised land, well to next May at least, that’s when he departs for his own promised land. Sorry Andy it’s rats knackers for you as well.

Next up to spin a line holding a copy of the readers digests guide to the law is MSP Ben your honour MacPherson who tells our now doped up residents that all are welcome in the SNP as long as you sing off uncle Ben’s hyme sheet. Declining his double edged sword offer our disgruntled and completely frustrated residents reach for more Samaritan gifted Valium. Sorry Benny boy it’s rats knackers for you, enjoy.

It’s our very own waltzing Matilda Diedre cobber Brock up next who just made it in time as she didn’t know where Muirhouse was and had to buy a map, charged to expenses of course. Diedre waxes lyrically about how many surgeries she does and is snowed under by those pesky constituents that expect her to do something but she always manages to fob them off, it’s a gift she reckons. Sorry Diedre rats knackers for you as well.

As the closed in room becomes that bit darker how apt is is that the grim reaper himself Andy pale face Kerr is last up to face the wrath of the disgruntled totally and completely frustrated valiumed up residents. He tells the two poor souls that he is the one who knows best has hired six new over paid and completely unwarranted desk pushers who will do nothing but spin the story he wants you to hear. At this point our brave disgruntled frustrated valiumed up residents start to claw at the walls of the closed room and in the distance the cry’s of ”We are the long suffering put upon lied to and conned disgruntled frustrated full of Valium residents, for fucks sake get us out of here”.

Mindless Morons

Friends and readers.

We at Pilton Sucks were angered to hear of the mindless vandalism carried out on two of PEP’s(Pilton equality project) buses. This organisation carries out excellent work in the Community and we hope the mindless morons that carried out this act of vandalism are apprehended quickly. Sucks will help in any way we can.

There is no place for these idiots in this or any Community

Extracting The Michael

Friends and readers.

Pilton Sucks despises mentioning the dreadful budget bursting Tram system, and the obvious criminal and corrupt practices that went on during this debacle. But now we are told that the enquirey set up to find out who done what and when and how much they trousered has cost and eye watering £6.5 million to date and not a single witness called, surely this must be a piss take or another jobs for the boys at the taxpayers expense.

What the hell is Hardie up to, he should contact Pilton Sucks we will give him all the evidence he needs to finger the guilty and for free. We the public are just the poor gullible bastards that have to cough up the dough only to be told when this latest gravy train comes to a stop that nobody and no one is guilty or culpable of anything.

We said this before the enquiry started. There will be NOBODY AND NO ORGANISATION HELD TO ACCOUNT for this waste of public money and all we are doing is wasting more to come to the result that it was no one person or organisation fault Still it is not like the NHS or Police could do with a cash injection so spend and fritter away the cash from the public purse! There is more of that available!

We say halt it now, bring this latest gravy train to a halt, no more money, no more wasted resources to tell us what we already know, and for Gods sake no more fuckin Trams.

More Fictional Reality

Friends and readers.

Following on from Edinburgh shity Councils insane decision to employ 4 new overpaid desk pushers who won’t help in any way improve the services in this City, they go and spend over £22,000 hiring actors to play Care home staff, Binmen, and Road workers.

Hard to believe at a time when up to 2000 jobs are on the line, but then nothing should surprise you dear friends when it comes to this corrupt Council. This latest bit of financial insanity has been described as, ” To help managers practice challenging performance conversations”. Complete and utter bullshit. What we need is rid of some of these actors that call themselves Councillors, along with some of these corrupt officials who are employed to job they clearly cannot do but are very well paid to do the job they clearly cannot do.

Has Watton been sacked yet for issuing a completion certificate for a building that was not complete and dangerous. Bet he hasn’t.

Who is steering this Council ship, certainly not the punters we the mug punters voted for. Seems it’s a handful of officials who are not only working to an agenda but writing it as well. We need a complete clear out of these overpaid nonentities who are masquerading as City servants when in reality there are charletons who only care about their easy lives and obscene salaries. What this City desperately needs is to elect people who will expose these crooks and run the City properly. We do not elect officials and managers they are appointed and should be working to the instructions of the duly elected personal, but from this angle it’s entirely the opposite. But will we get that, or will we get the usual party hacks many of whom have never had a real job or impersonated a real job by being researchers for some other elected party hack who themselves are unlikely to have had a real job, what chance do the punters have when clowns like that are elected to run the show, no wonder officials rub their hands in glee.

Anyway back to the £22,000 paid to hire actors to play binmen and road workers, maybe they should be hired to do the real thing because judging by the public complaints the tossers that are employed to do these particular jobs are not cutting the mustard.

It gets better, the usual Council spokes person shit was churned out and it’s a classic. ” This is an established practice and organisations have been doing it for many years” Will someone tell the ass hole that wrote that piece of shit, it certainly doesn’t make it right. Get these managers and officials to do the job they are well paid to do, or as a Sucks spokes person say’s Get to fuck.

I’m A Chancer Get Me Out Of Here

Friends and readers.

No doubt Xmas fills many of us with fear as we prepare to be bombarded and brainwashed by adverts trying to sell us overpriced shit. We still have the delights of Edinburgh’s Xmas extravaganza to come and that real con of the German Market, where you can get ripped off in the cold night air as you try to forget that we live with the most corrupt Council in the Land.

We at Sucks are still coming to terms with the latest crap that has been spewed out to us and the need to hire more overpaid managers while nearly 2000 front line staff wait to hear if they will still have a job next year. A plague on their fuckin house.

Meanwhile thank goodness for Pilton Sucks which brings you the reality of what your inept corrupt Council is up to in your name. So as a way of trying to brighten up the gloom we at Sucks have put another Xmas sketch together for you, based on Dickens masterpiece A Christmas Carol, with a little Sucks twist.

Ebenezer Scrooge, a miserly, cold-hearted creditor, continues his stingy, greedy ways on Christmas Eve. He rejects a Christmas dinner invitation, and all the good tidings of the holiday, from his jolly nephew, Fred; he yells at charity workers; and he overworks his employee, Bob Cratchit. At night, Scrooge’s former partner Jacob Marley, dead for seven years, visits him in the form of a ghost. Marley’s spirit has been wandering since he died as punishment for being consumed with business and not with people while alive. He has come to warn Scrooge and perhaps save him from the same fate. He tells him Three Spirits will come to him over the next three nights.

Scrooge falls asleep and wakes up to find the Ghost of Christmas Past, a small, elderly figure. The Ghost shows Scrooge scenes from the past that trace Scrooge’s development from a young boy, lonely but with the potential for happiness, to a young man with the first traces of greed that would deny love in his life. Scrooge shows newfound emotion when revisiting these scenes, often crying from identification with his former neglected self.

Scrooge goes to sleep and is awakened by the Ghost of Christmas Present, a giant with a life span of one day. He shows Scrooge several current scenes of Christmas joy and charity, then shows him the Cratchit household. The Ghost informs Scrooge that unless the future is changed, the Cratchit’s crippled and good-hearted young son, Tiny Tim, will die. He also shows Scrooge the party at Fred’s house. Finally, a ragged boy and girl crawl out from the Ghost’s robes. The Ghost calls them Ignorance and Want and warns Scrooge to beware of Ignorance.

The silent, black-clad Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come replaces the other ghost. He shows Scrooge several scenes of people discussing someone’s death; no one seems pained by the death, and most are happy about it. Scrooge does not know, however, who the man is. He learns that Tiny Tim has died, but the Cratchits maintain their unity and love. Scrooge finally discovers that he is the one who has died and whose death has only pleased people. He expresses the hope that these scenes of the future can be changed, and vows to incorporate the lessons of the past, present, and future into his adoption of the Christmas spirit.

Scrooge wakes up in his bedroom and learns that the whole adventure took only one night, not three‹ it is Christmas Day. In addition to smiling and being friendly to everyone he sees, he sends a large turkey to the Cratchits, gives a sizable donation to the charity worker he previously insulted, and has a wonderful time at Fred’s party. The next day he gives Cratchit a raise. Scrooge continues his kindly ways after Christmas, befriending everyone and becoming a second father to Tiny Tim, who does not die. He never sees the ghosts again, but he keeps the spirit of Christmas alive in his heart as well as anyone.

Of course dear friends this is the sanitized version, the Sucks version deviates slightly with Scrooge ably played by Andy pale face Kerr sitting in his office looking for ways to shaft the lowly paid workers while spending tens of thousands recruiting even more chinless wonders to tell us what idiots we all are and that we don’t get what a wonderful job these over paid pen pushers will do for us.

Ebenezer Kerr has cancelled all Xmas party’s for front line staff but insists they donate a few quid for the senior managers bash. Bob Cratchit badly played by Andy pandy Burns tries to defend pale face Kerr by making pointless public statements which even he doesn’t believe, but he doesn’t give a fuck as he is leaving the dark fortress of the City Council to seek another public hand out elsewhere.

Ah but we have Jacob Marley in the form of Gavin nee naw Barrie, who as Chair of Economic Development who everybody thought had vanished given his lack of anything constructive other than to protect corrupt officials, appearing in Ghost like form to tell Ebenezer Kerr to try and keep the bad news out of the press as there are Council Elections next year and he wants returned in the peoples republic of Inverleith.

Bob Cratchit the Union Rep has other ideas, although it’s been said he hasn’t had an idea for at least 20 years which makes him an excellent Union Rep. Our Bob Played by John everybody’s buddy but the workers Stevenson is one of the bricks this dark fortress of the City Chambers was built on and warns Ebenezer Kerr of the repercussions that will occur should his members be threatened with redundancy, to which Ebenezer Kerr replies that one of the executive offices is becoming vacant and it might be a nice bolt hole for the peoples representative, at this point our hero Bob disappears from sight.

Now we have the ghosts of xmas past, present and future to deal with but a report will have to be written about them and their conduct which could result in disciplinary procedures and that might take a wee while so in the mean time the ghosts will have to wait in limbo better known as the local office in West Pilton Gardens. They will be fuckin ghosts by the time any report is written or they might want to hire a report writer to do the job for around a £100,000 a year.

But dear friends and there is always a but, the Ghost of Xmas yet to come the one we didn’t mention in our oscar winning ditty, the one who will bring this house of cards down, the one who makes the grim reaper run for the hills the one who makes the plagues of Moses look like a two week break in Lanzagrotty, yes dear friends this tale of woe would not be complete without the devil who wears Prada, the Tram champion herself, yes indeed, no story would be complete without the bad penny herself, the shy and soon to be retiring [thank fuck] Lesley Prada Hinds

Got To Be An April Fool

Friends and readers.

Surely this has got to be a joke, surely the residents of Edinburgh cannot put up with any more crap coming out of this most corrupt of Councils, and surely now the time has come for us the people to exercise the financial clout we have and refuse to pay the Community charge. Our streets are filthy, our roads are full of holes, the bins are not emptied properly if at all, and what does this most corrupt of Councils do, why they go out and hire more overpaid nonentities while hammering the lower paid workers. What a bunch of total wankers.

head of strategy and insight – £94k
communications – £82K
head of IT – £102K
legal and risk – £102k
property and facilities management – £102K
head of customer services – £102K

£584k

add on costs that makes the cost around £700k

yip always plenty of ££££ for upper management

so if your kid goes to school and there is a cut back in learning assistants, who earn peanuts compared to these folk, you know your money is being well spent on essential services friends and readers.

So what is Andy pale face Kerr paid to do. Why do we need which we don’t these over paid pen pushers, will the bins be emptied any better or quicker, will the holes in the roads be repaired properly not the slip shoddy shit which takes place at the moment

And what does Andy pandy Burns say about all this, his words of wisdom were or should have been ” An exhaustive process took place to get these tossers in post”

Well, this extends a Festive digit to the people of Edinburgh. We guess that the Local Government Minister’s stern ticking off has taught them a lesson (they can do whatever they like because he will do nothing to stop them).

The £1.4 billion debt and failing services are not as important as hiring more overpaid “experts” to tell us all how we just don’t understand what a good job they are doing.

We should just sub-let the city to the first person willing to pay a quid for it. We find it hard to see how anyone could do a worse job.

Donald Trump for Lord Provost !!!!!!!!!!!!

Upon Us Again

Friends and readers.

Panto season is almost upon us again, Oh yes it is, Oh no it isn’t and all that shit, and we at Pilton Sucks always try to come up , with a little something different, and this years offering is just that. Its the Sucks version of Dick Wittington.

Let us give you a little back ground to this years offering.

Dick Whittington is the story of a young orphan who comes to Edinburgh
to seek his fortune, as he has heard that the city’s streets are paved with
gold, and not just filled with potholes and uncollected rubbish.

All he has in the world is his faithful best friend, a cat named Tommy and so, together they
travel to the city. Dick and Tommy are soon disappointed when they find that, far from being
paved with gold, Edinburgh is a dark, busy and lonely place, full of potholed streets and nightmarish images of the evil sorceress Lesley Prada Hinds.

Finally, Dick manages to find a place to stay in the far flung and forgotten corner of Muirhouse, with a right chancer named Fitzwarren and his daughter Morticia. Dick and
Morticia quickly fall in love coupled with the ambiance of Muirhouse and varied supplies of recreational narcotics, but the story’s villain, King Rat conspires to come between them.

King Rat rules the underworld of Muirhouse or what’s left of it and sets a trap for Dick so that he is accused of stealing money from Morticia’s father. Dick is sent from Muirhouse in disgrace which is practically impossible to do and sadly he begins to make his way home, until he falls asleep and has a dream that the bells of St Giles orchestrated by the Fairy Bowbells, chime a message to him, telling him to return to Edinburgh where he will one day become Provost, It’s easy cash and you do fuck all.

He returns to the city where Morticia convinces her father to give Dick another chance. And so he is given the opportunity to be part of the crew on the next ship sailing from the port of sunny Leith While at sea, King Rat causes the ship to sink in a storm, and the crew gets washed up on the shores of Morocco. Ya fuckin beauty, all that hash and plenty of cash.

The Sultan of Morocco explains to our hero that his country is overrun by rats two legged ones as well – a problem that Dick assures him, Tommy the cat can solve, being a champion rat-catcher! In return for saving his country, the Sultan gives Dick more gold and jewels and a life times supply of grade A quality dope than he could have dreamed of, and so, when he returns to Edinburgh he is greeted as a hero. Just as the bells told him, Dick becomes Provost of Edinburgh, gets paid and does fuck all, and marries his 6 month pregnant Morticia. Hang on a minute thinks Dicky Boy I was at sea so how can Morticia be preggers.

Yes dear friends Dicky boy returns a hero and well stoned to boot, and his lady friend Morticia with a bun in the oven, telling our hero, ” Aye it’s yours all right and I wisna on the jack and jill so my old man say’s if you dinna marry me he will cut your knackers off”. Truly an offer our hero cannot refuse.

So there you have friends and readers, a match made in heaven, but they still have to put their names down for a Council house or get lumbered in a tatty overpriced Bed and Breakfast which charges the earth, but that’s alright as Morticia will get Housing benefit as long as she doesn’t tell the Bru that Dick is living with her. But with Dicky boy’s dosh for being Provost he could afford one of Edinburgh’s rip off private lets, and charge it to the taxpayer as expenses, It’s alright Dick all those crooked fuckers in the Council are at it, one more isn’t going to make any difference.

Cast of Characters.

Dick Wittington — Cammy squint tie Day

Tommy the Cat — Pete[formerly the perm]Strong

Mr. Fitzwarren — Willie community socialist Black

Morticia — Vicki the hat Redpath

King Rat — Gavin nee naw Barrie

Fairy Bowbells — A special guest appearance by Lesley Prada Hinds who has kindly offered to donate her fee to an
anonymous bank account in Panama.

Sultan of Morroco — Ben your honour MacPherson

Back And Forward

Friends and readers.

Former Cheltenham gals school pupil Amber hapless Rudd has been finding it difficult to come to terms with her new role as Home Secretary, she needs a quick success to prove she actually knows what she’s doing, which of course she doesn’t.

We hear a rumour that she has come up with a beaut.

In an effort to prevent all of the issues with British Summer Time ending, the government will be introducing a new phased two step change to the system.

Instead of the clocks changing by one hour on one day, there will now be two days where the clocks change by half an hour. After a few years, this will be altered to a four step process of quarter of an hour, ultimately culminating in each day being either fifteen seconds shorter or longer than the day before by the year 2140.

This year will be the last time that one whole hour is removed from the clock on one day. Amber Rudd, the British Home secretary said:
“This whole spring forward fall back, malarkey, or is it spring back and fall forward? Anyway, it’s all too confusing for people. We need to streamline and simplify it, making it more incremental.”
There are several problems with the system, including the sudden onset of darkness when leaving for work in the morning, extra tired people have more accidents, cause more road congestion and miss more trains than on any other day of the year, not to mention the nocturnal animals used to crossing quiet roads suddenly having to remember to look both ways and cross while listening. Add to this the time taken to adjust all the clocks and watches in a modern house, and an extra two hours are wasted every year, especially with the annoying clocks and watches that can only change the time forwards when you need to remove an hour.
“It’s fall forward,” said Rudd. “I’ve remembered now.”
This new system comes into force next year, so for the last time, don’t forget to put your clocks forward on the last Sunday in October, next year I think.
Or is back?

Pause For A Mo

Friends and readers.

So the Courts are now involved in this fast becoming Brexit farce, but what of punters pal Nigel Farage, Hmm we wonder.

Nigel Farage has threatened to create “political disturbances in the street” after recent developments in the government’s implementation of Brexit. Due to his belief that he is destined to become the unelected dictator of a newly “independent” Britain, he has conspired with his millionaire tabloid-owning friends to try to start a sort of beer hall putsch to propel himself to power.

Sadly, nobody followed his advice. Mainly because his supporters are too old to form a mob, they don’t know how to organise using social media, and most of them would rather stay indoors watching The Antiques Roadshow.
Mr Farage was disappointed with the response. The would-be tyrant with a German wife has been seen practicing his goose-step for months, although he actually marches more like a duck.
Police have said that it is probably just as well that Farage’s supposed violence did not appear, because it would make his incitement a criminal offence. Mr Farage has not been discouraged however, and is planning to hire a crowd of cheap Eastern European labourers to form a mob for him.

Poor old Nigel he still has to pick up his inflated Euro Salary plus expences plus his wife will still get her secretarial salary, gee it’s a hard life for old Nigie poo.