Friends and readers.
No doubt Xmas fills many of us with fear as we prepare to be bombarded and brainwashed by adverts trying to sell us overpriced shit. We still have the delights of Edinburgh’s Xmas extravaganza to come and that real con of the German Market, where you can get ripped off in the cold night air as you try to forget that we live with the most corrupt Council in the Land.
We at Sucks are still coming to terms with the latest crap that has been spewed out to us and the need to hire more overpaid managers while nearly 2000 front line staff wait to hear if they will still have a job next year. A plague on their fuckin house.
Meanwhile thank goodness for Pilton Sucks which brings you the reality of what your inept corrupt Council is up to in your name. So as a way of trying to brighten up the gloom we at Sucks have put another Xmas sketch together for you, based on Dickens masterpiece A Christmas Carol, with a little Sucks twist.
Ebenezer Scrooge, a miserly, cold-hearted creditor, continues his stingy, greedy ways on Christmas Eve. He rejects a Christmas dinner invitation, and all the good tidings of the holiday, from his jolly nephew, Fred; he yells at charity workers; and he overworks his employee, Bob Cratchit. At night, Scrooge’s former partner Jacob Marley, dead for seven years, visits him in the form of a ghost. Marley’s spirit has been wandering since he died as punishment for being consumed with business and not with people while alive. He has come to warn Scrooge and perhaps save him from the same fate. He tells him Three Spirits will come to him over the next three nights.
Scrooge falls asleep and wakes up to find the Ghost of Christmas Past, a small, elderly figure. The Ghost shows Scrooge scenes from the past that trace Scrooge’s development from a young boy, lonely but with the potential for happiness, to a young man with the first traces of greed that would deny love in his life. Scrooge shows newfound emotion when revisiting these scenes, often crying from identification with his former neglected self.
Scrooge goes to sleep and is awakened by the Ghost of Christmas Present, a giant with a life span of one day. He shows Scrooge several current scenes of Christmas joy and charity, then shows him the Cratchit household. The Ghost informs Scrooge that unless the future is changed, the Cratchit’s crippled and good-hearted young son, Tiny Tim, will die. He also shows Scrooge the party at Fred’s house. Finally, a ragged boy and girl crawl out from the Ghost’s robes. The Ghost calls them Ignorance and Want and warns Scrooge to beware of Ignorance.
The silent, black-clad Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come replaces the other ghost. He shows Scrooge several scenes of people discussing someone’s death; no one seems pained by the death, and most are happy about it. Scrooge does not know, however, who the man is. He learns that Tiny Tim has died, but the Cratchits maintain their unity and love. Scrooge finally discovers that he is the one who has died and whose death has only pleased people. He expresses the hope that these scenes of the future can be changed, and vows to incorporate the lessons of the past, present, and future into his adoption of the Christmas spirit.
Scrooge wakes up in his bedroom and learns that the whole adventure took only one night, not three it is Christmas Day. In addition to smiling and being friendly to everyone he sees, he sends a large turkey to the Cratchits, gives a sizable donation to the charity worker he previously insulted, and has a wonderful time at Fred’s party. The next day he gives Cratchit a raise. Scrooge continues his kindly ways after Christmas, befriending everyone and becoming a second father to Tiny Tim, who does not die. He never sees the ghosts again, but he keeps the spirit of Christmas alive in his heart as well as anyone.
Of course dear friends this is the sanitized version, the Sucks version deviates slightly with Scrooge ably played by Andy pale face Kerr sitting in his office looking for ways to shaft the lowly paid workers while spending tens of thousands recruiting even more chinless wonders to tell us what idiots we all are and that we don’t get what a wonderful job these over paid pen pushers will do for us.
Ebenezer Kerr has cancelled all Xmas party’s for front line staff but insists they donate a few quid for the senior managers bash. Bob Cratchit badly played by Andy pandy Burns tries to defend pale face Kerr by making pointless public statements which even he doesn’t believe, but he doesn’t give a fuck as he is leaving the dark fortress of the City Council to seek another public hand out elsewhere.
Ah but we have Jacob Marley in the form of Gavin nee naw Barrie, who as Chair of Economic Development who everybody thought had vanished given his lack of anything constructive other than to protect corrupt officials, appearing in Ghost like form to tell Ebenezer Kerr to try and keep the bad news out of the press as there are Council Elections next year and he wants returned in the peoples republic of Inverleith.
Bob Cratchit the Union Rep has other ideas, although it’s been said he hasn’t had an idea for at least 20 years which makes him an excellent Union Rep. Our Bob Played by John everybody’s buddy but the workers Stevenson is one of the bricks this dark fortress of the City Chambers was built on and warns Ebenezer Kerr of the repercussions that will occur should his members be threatened with redundancy, to which Ebenezer Kerr replies that one of the executive offices is becoming vacant and it might be a nice bolt hole for the peoples representative, at this point our hero Bob disappears from sight.
Now we have the ghosts of xmas past, present and future to deal with but a report will have to be written about them and their conduct which could result in disciplinary procedures and that might take a wee while so in the mean time the ghosts will have to wait in limbo better known as the local office in West Pilton Gardens. They will be fuckin ghosts by the time any report is written or they might want to hire a report writer to do the job for around a £100,000 a year.
But dear friends and there is always a but, the Ghost of Xmas yet to come the one we didn’t mention in our oscar winning ditty, the one who will bring this house of cards down, the one who makes the grim reaper run for the hills the one who makes the plagues of Moses look like a two week break in Lanzagrotty, yes dear friends this tale of woe would not be complete without the devil who wears Prada, the Tram champion herself, yes indeed, no story would be complete without the bad penny herself, the shy and soon to be retiring [thank fuck] Lesley Prada Hinds