Monthly Archives: February 2017

Scotmids Brexit

Friends and readers.

We may indeed be leaving the EU at some stage but the real question that is on everybody’s lips has not been addressed, who is going to deal with the Scotmid queues. The political establishment cannot get to grips with this issue and the European Parliament has ducked the issue for years.

When asked recently about international issues the new American president Donald silverkrin Trump got very animated and suggested that given the outcry about the queues in Scotmid he would advocate building a wall but might have difficulty in the first instance reducing the queue before undertaking such a project.

Putin broke into a sweat when asked about the problem citing he would never spend any of his vast fortune in Scotmid as he wouldn’t live long enough, not to spend it but to stand in the queue trying to spend it. The United Nations have put sorting out the Scotmid problem at the top of their to do list once they find out why they exist in the first place.

All the great minds of the 21st century excluding Lesley Prada Hinds have failed to come up with a solution to this preferring to ponder on why the fuck would anyone want to vote Labour, another complete mystery. Scotmids sell by date products have a ten year date on them such is the time it takes to get any service. In fact we have it on good authority that several Scotmid outlets still have the Queens Silver Jubilee ginger bread on sale, but it’s now buy one get one free.

Disney were rumoured to have wanted to make a film about Scotmid but they felt it was more likely that Peter Pan would be collecting his pension before the queues went down. When the first man on the moon Neil Armstrong visited Scotland he was heard to say what he had said when stepping on to the moon all those years ago, after getting served in Scotmid, ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND. In fact we have it on good authority that there are still a couple of punters in the queue who started queuing as Armstrong stepped onto the moon.

The weather forecasters are starting to issue weather warnings with a rider adding that if you are going to shop in Scotmid you should bring clothing that suits all weathers given we cannot guarantee what season it will be when you eventually get service. Indy 2 may well have a third question on the ballot paper, Would you vote for an independent Scotland if we could shorten the queues in Scotmid, that makes a yes vote a certainty.

There is a move we hear to have ballot boxes put into Scotmid for the up coming Council Elections, there’s 20% of the vote right away, might want to think about proxy voting as well, because the punters might be in the queue a very long time and may ask someone who is cute enough to avoid Scotmid to vote for them, while they down yet another bottle of Valium to relieve the stress of standing in the Scotmid queue.

Twenty’s Plenty

Friends and readers.

As you know or even if you don’t the new 20 mile an hour speed limit is to be rolled out over the City. We even had our old mate Lesley Prada Hinds holding up a 20mph limit sign for the photographers, although some cynics, not us we hasten to mention it was her IQ she was holding up.

Anyway what about a question and answer session with our beloved Council for our punters to mull over. So here goes.

Q = When do the new limits come into force?
The 20mph limit has been around for a while and in all the common sense places like tight residential streets and near schools, the pointless waste of tax payers money scheme kicks off as soon as we can, coz the family car driver got in the way of City Centre Congestion Charges and we’ve been gunning for them ever since!
Q = Why has the new speed limit been brought in?
As we said, we were furious when we failed with the congestion charge and its been a mission of ours to target the car owner ever since. Edinburgh is not suitable for modern day traffic flow once you have made a pigs ear of trying to lay out a sensible road plan and public transport infrastructure. Also, our city has become more of a massive theme park and a leisure facility, we want people to visit it not use it and the money from tourists speaks for itself – we do not want cars unless we can put schemes is place to collect revenue. The EDC do not see them as cars anymore, we see cows and we want to milk them!
Q = What are the penalties for drivers who break the limit?
We are glad you said “DRIVER”. We make no excuse for the fact that every other “road user” can please themselves…..we only target “DRIVERS”
Q = How strictly will it be enforced? That is the challenge. Police Scotland is a joke and cannot even afford a visit after a house break in, so policing with their help is a no go. Like parking, we are secretly looking at how we can police the hell out of this with civilian employment and we are pretty sure we can get a CAMERA to hang out the back of a wee electric van to take photographs, so that will be the probable attack and project we will next spend fortunes on.
Q = Will there be more speed bumps?
As long as the speed bump or pillow design can be used then yes. They slow down Ambulance drivers which is an unfortunate, but a sacrifice worth making to attack the average family car. Bikes, especially mountain bikes, most council lorry’s, Taxi, large vans, 4X4s etc do not really have a problem with them because of their wheel configurations, but SSSHHHH and don’t tell anyone;-)
Q = Are there more phases on the way?
You betcha…..this is brilliant fun:-)
Q = What has happened in other cities that have 20mph Zones?
Who cares, we only collect stats and analysis for when it helps us railroad our ideas and gives us the ability to piss tax payers money against a wall.

And to boot we won’t have to fix the thousands of potholes that decorate our City cos the bastards that drive will have to go slower and we won’t have to pay out so much compensation to drivers who have had their cars wrecked cos we can’t be bothered to fix the potholes and when we do we make a complete fuck up of it. Our slogan will be prominent everywhere
WE HAVE GOT YOU BY THE BALLS.
Remember our City Council moto WE DON’T CARE AND YOU DON’T MATTER.

Coming Soon To A Community Near You.

Friends and readers.

The Local Council elections will soon be upon us poor beleaguered punters and Sucks will be right there bringing you all the action and laughs as it happens. We at Sucks will bring you the news that nobody else will and with our reliable sources on standby we will bring you the inside track on the runners and riders in the race.

We have been asked to cover various wards in the City and we are happy to consider any request. No doubt excitement will reach fever pitch as voting day approaches, you can almost taste the yawning, and we will be under the table listening for all the juicy tit bits that no-one else will bring you. In the Forth Ward for instance we have three sitting Councillors not returning Vicki the hat Redpath, Allan weasel Jackson and Steve jambo Cardownie, so a very interesting contest awaits us there, although we understand Cammy squint tie Day is standing again with a new unknown number two Heather pepe le Pugh.

SNP have we understand selected their two candidates George the knowledge Gordon who surprise surprise starts off with a major plus, he actually lives in the ward he is standing to represent and is well known as a local activist. the same cannot be said about the other SNP candidate Ellie the flighty Bird.

With Allan the weasel Jackson retiring to spend as little time with his family as he can there will be a new Tory candidate in Forth, don’t know who it is but who cares. Same with the Lib-Dem, and the Green and a n another.

As we have said we have been asked to cover other wards such is Sucks popularity and wry look at things, and one in particular we have been asked to take a look at is Duddingston/Craigentinny where another of our mates and former Labour Councillor now miraculously reinvented as an SNP Councillor Alex bumbling Lunn is standing after more miraculously sneaking through vetting. We may pop in there to bring you the action as it happen or not as the case may be.

But wherever we are we will bring you all the action and goings on as election fever grips the City like hot butter on a knife, with all the losers and winners. But remember you can vote Sucks by tuning in and reading all the gossip, we are Tram free, Prada Hinds free, but full of laughs and gaffs.

Sweaty Palms and Twitchy Bums

Friends and readers.

Bookies are giving goods odds that Labour will be humped at the local elections in May. No surprise there then given that our old mate the shy and soon to be retiring Lesley Prada Hinds has almost single handedly wasted more money and fucked up almost everything she has touched except of course what was in her interests. Never in the history modern that is of local Government has there been a more incompetent Councillor, and we have had a few to choose from than our mate Prada Hinds. What a buffoon, her antics have been so disastrous for this City that she should be exiled on somewhere like Elba.

The Drylaw Dame has been a gift for Sucks and we will miss her desperately, that we have to say won’t be the feeling amongst the majority of citizens. We should award her Sucks highest honour, prat of the year, for life, it’s the least we can do after all the story’s she has given us, we will keep her on our Christmas card list.

To many fuck ups to go into now, just read the backlog of Sucks posts to get the real flavour of the Prada Hinds years, no-one will be able to replace her, even Labour could not have someone of her caliber of incompetence within their ranks, or could they? if they do and it’s possible they will have a very hard, near impossible act to follow. She leaves a trail of disaster behind her, including the unexplained missing money from the failed life long learning project, the Ian Craig debacle, her palsie walsie act with chief crook Sue three jobs Bruce, her disastrous handling of the Transport portfolio which of course includes the pinnacle of her incompetence the Trams all billion pounds of it.

Ah yes we will probably and fingers crossed never see the likes of Prada Hinds again. But we wait and wonder where she will pop up again, and pop up again she will, we confidently predict that. So be afraid very afraid, if you should smell a waft of Channel No 5[ no not the TV channel the perfume] or the sound of high heels designer of course coming towards you, run for your fuckin life, as it might be it just might be AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Same Shit Different Day

Friends and readers.

Yet another story about the minority dead heads causing mayhem in West Pilton stealing and vandalizing peoples property appears in the Evening News. The local police have been informed who some of these idiots are, we know because Sucks did the informing. These little pricks are so stupid they brag about their deeds on Facebook and still no action is taken. Some genius said at a recent meeting, yes another pointless meeting, that the majority are not involved in this sort of destructive activity, well that sets the record straight, and we can all sleep in peace knowing that, and no doubt it came from someone who dose not live in the community, these kind of stupid comments usually do.

It’s not the majority we are talking about it’s a mindless moronic minority who are ruining life for the majority, and who continually get away with criminal behaviour, and because they do they will continue to act in this deviant manner, and we will continue to be plagued by woolly jerseyed Guardian readers who pontificate about something they have no understanding of and given we have been plagued by criminal behaviour for more than a few years, no fuckin idea what to do about it.

What about the victims of this mindless criminal behaviour, who cares about them, it is they who have to constantly foot the bill socially and economically for criminal acts perpetrated against them and it is they who are the forgotten majority as they try and go about their lawful business and pay their taxes and try under this barrage of shit to lead responsible lives. We have said before that if a motorist does not pay their parking fine then they are hounded and threatened by the law, yet acts of mindless vandalism can go on regardless and no action is taken, does this not show where police priorities lie, revenue enforcers and collectors.

This is what happens when police and others in authority are not allowed to physically chastise these morons. In years gone by, police would have caught them, given them a ‘clip round the ear’, a foot up the backside, then dragged them home by the scruff of the neck and the parents would them have given them worse. They would then have been made to repay the damage they had caused as well as apologise.

Sod political correctness – the little darlings have nothing to fear from anyone any more and they are well clued up on their ‘rights’. But the woolly jerseyed mob would be appalled at that thought unless it happened to them and they were subjected to what the residents of West Pilton have to constantly put up with, then we might see some action taken but not in the darkest reaches of West Pilton where no one gives a fuck unless they want something like your vote.

So by all means have all the fuckin meetings you want with false promises of this and that and then disappear into your own gilded cage leaving the rest of us no better off than we were before the not so great and good patronised a few citizens into believing something might get done. Just look at the joke that is Stronger North, pure shit. Action on the ground is what is needed, police given the necessary resources to properly police the Community, and give back the Community to those that care not those that don’t and never will.

What’s Your Advice

Friends and readers.

We have been informed from a reliable source that the Citizens Advice organisation are considering the closure of their office in Drylaw. This office is situated within the shopping complex on the Ferry Road and sits smack bang in the middle of a SIP area.

First of all any discussion which would consider closing this much used office is at the very least short sighted given it serves an area of multiple deprivation. Secondly the closure of this office would mean users and potential users would be left with either the office in Dundas Street or the office in Portobello. On a by note it would be interesting to know how much the lovely town house in Dundas Street which is currently the Citizens Advice head office, costs to run.

The facts are this, Citizens Advice currently receives a subsidy from the Scottish Government outwith their level service agreement with the Westminster Government, and given most of their front line staff are volunteers, finance is clearly not the issue. We hesitate to criticize a much valued and needed service but this potential closure of the Drylaw office seems to be a case of Citizens Advice forgetting their ethos and disappearing up their own ass hole.

If our information is correct and it usually is then this is something that candidates standing for election to the City Council in May could campaign on and force the issue, although we have to say at this stage the City Council do not fund Citizens Advice but undoubtedly would be concerned at any potential closure of this office and it’s something the residents may wish to ask the candidates standing in and around this area their views on.

On another issue of importance it has come to our attention that the recent leaflet issued by the Labour candidates in the Forth ward may not be entirely accurate and we believe warrant closer scrutiny, watch this space.

Hey What’s Cooking

Friends and readers.

We have had a request from a reader to issue an APB (all points bullitin) for our old mate and Lottery lover Willie community socialist Black. Oor Willie has been posted missing, which is not like our old mucker as oor Willie would normally attend the opening of an envelop if there was an angle in it for him.

Is oor Willie on yet another holiday sponsored or otherwise, or maybe on a fact finding mission, oor Willie is always on the lookout for facts but as yet to find any. Somebody thought they saw Willie in the bookies having a punt on Teresa May joining the SNP and being made first minister, or Scotland changing their name and trying to join the EU. Somebody else thought they seen oor Willie in the Scotmid queue, if that’s the case he might be gone for a very long time.

Fleeting glimpses of the Granton pimpernel have been reported but are as yet unconfirmed, it’s thought by some that he has gone to ground with yet another big lottery application but can’t think of what to apply for, world cruises don’t count and it’s most unlikely meet the criteria. Possibly a new tie collection for avid Sucks reader Cammy squint tie Day might sneak through. Could be that he might be applying for dosh to help with Cammy’s re-election campaign, but given that’s already started although it shouldn’t have that’s unlikely.

Where ever our mate Willie is no doubt he’s hard at it beavering away in the interests of everyone especially himself. Keep an eye out for our old mate particularly at a lottery outlet near you.