Monthly Archives: November 2017

Red Monday

Friends and readers.

Twas the month before Christmas and nobody gave a fuck, the credit cards are red hot and debt is piling up and that’s before the winter fuel bills pop through the letter box. Don’t think half shut May will be on the EU xmas card list and certainly not Ireland’s xmas card list.

Brexit is a mess so lets have another referendum just for the hell of it and see what happens. Think we should all head for the jungle because sooner or later we will all be eating bugs and shit like that given the state of play. While Hammond gives a paltry 2.5 billion to the NHS he gave away over 4 billion to the banks, fuck the sick and needy lets keep capitalism afloat and our mates in the City.

Business is vying for the nearest exit door and we will be left with what the Tories have always desired, a low wage low skilled slave labour economy with only the elite cushioned against the long cold winter of isolation. All that has been fought for over centuries will be diluted by these right wing tossers who will disappear like snow off a dyke to their own comfortable surroundings leaving the rest of us to suffer the consequences of a decision that was based on fraudulent lies and deceit.

This nation Scotland apart was conned into voting leave, and conned by the very people who hate the thought of ordinary citizens having any kind of rights, rights that were not given to us but had to be fought for, now they will just be surrendered to a group of nutters who lied and won. Today’s youngsters could be tomorrows slaves with less rights than their parents and grandparents and out in the cold with no-one to turn to and at the mercy of the murderous capitalist thugs who will rob, cheat and exploit them and let them burn in the fire of poverty.

You can listen to all the arguments as to how better off we will be outside the EU, and the crap of how we can be free to do our own deals and that countries will flood our doors begging for trade deals, but all you will have to do is look at your own living standards, and even by this hopeless Governments own figures they will drop. Prices have started to creep up and the reason used is the brexit factor, some are of course profiteering and using brexit as an excuse to screw the punters but that will become the norm as we get closer to the exit door.

The Irish won’t stand for a hard border and why should they, and the good Friday agreement looks fragile and under threat. Someone once said ”forgive them father for they know not what they do”, given the current circumstances maybe the guy who said that was a bit ahead of his time but boy was he right on the money.

We need to reverse this impending suicide and it’s not to late, the good will is there amongst fellow EU countries. We must come to our senses before we flush future generations opportunities down the toilet and head back to a darker age when we were kicked and thumped into submission by the little Englanders who felt they had a devine right to rule. For those who voted to leave just think again and take a look at what’s unfolding in front of us and who’s doing the unfolding, the very Government and party who hate the thought of any rights for ordinary working people. Their whole philosophy is based on divide and rule, these are the punters who believe in a privileged elite, it’s in their fuckin DNA and we or a majority did, just handed them the keys of absolute rule regardless of who wins a General Election.

We as a nation are drowning and these fuckers have all the life jackets and they are keeping them, but promising better weather to come, you can trust us. Half shut May and her back stabbing brigade will be gone soon back to their comfortable leafy suburbs and won’t give a toss about the consequences of their actions, but we will have to live daily with them and suffer because of them.

Liers, cheats, defrauders and they conned a nation into pushing the self destruct button. Who are the winners in all this because it is certainly not Joe citizen it never is but it was Joe citizen that threw the snowballs that were made by the con artists that will ultimately put us at serious risk of a permanent winter.

TIE. The Idle Elite.

Friends and readers.

For a long time Pilton Sucks has been saying that The TIE [Transport Initiative Edinburgh] board should be in the dock over the Tram scandal, we named the lot of them on this very site and urged Hardie and his team to go after them.

Now it seems at least someone in the shape of former bus boss Neil Renilson is speaking up. We have always known that Edinburgh shity Council is full of lying conniving and arrogant officials, nothing new there and they are still at it unchecked by this new administration. But to Mr. Renilsons credit he like Sucks has the balls to name names.

He states TIE was run by incompetent people, yes but who put them in post and why. He also said that Willie Gallagher was out of his depth, something Sucks said some time ago, and that he was promoted to a position beyond his abilities, yes indeed he was and walked away with a nice payout for being a complete ass. How did that happen.

Project director Ian Kendall was said to be absolute poison, who appointed him and why. Mr Renilson has to be applauded for speaking up on matters some people including Pilton Sucks already knew about but were not listened to. We said Hardie could have had all the info he needed by reading Pilton Sucks and saved the taxpayer a fortune into the bargain. These criminals should be made to pay back the handouts that they ran off with and charged with fraud and embezzlement, but they won’t be and if this present lot with some exceptions get their way then even more taxpayers money will be wasted on an unwanted extension at a time when services are under severe threat and attack.

The Tram system was a disaster from start to finish and we will be paying for it for a very long time to come and some imbeciles on the City Council want to waste even more taxpayers money on an extension, they should be given a heavy dose of Valium and sent to lie in a darkened room. Sucks says that if any of the elected members in the North of the City are in favour of this madness then they should be removed from office at the first available opportunity. We the citizens are being forced against our will to have this extension and you just know that it will be another mess if it’s allowed to go ahead.

There is even less experience this time around and there is no business case robust or any other kind, it’s a con trick which nobody except the anoraks are falling for. Those elected members in favour of this madness should have their names published and asked to explain their decision in light of the current financial circumstances. We have to stop electing punters because of a party emblem as with one or two exceptions we end up with the rubbish we have now, and it’s Joe citizen as always that pays the price. Small groups of party hacks select or have foisted upon them in even smaller rooms candidates who, with certainly one or two exceptions and they are every much the minority know little or nothing about the punters they propose to represent but make decisions that have profound negative effects on us as a whole.

To allow these people to impose a financial anchor around the City’s neck is sheer folly at best and insanity at worse. This City has suffered for so long with corrupt officials and incompetent politicians a lethal mixture which has crippled this City and the same thing is on the verge of happening again.

I’m A Chancer Get Me Out Of Here.

Friends and readers.

So our mate and Sucks readers Kezia dead loss Dugdale is on route to the jungle for a dalliance with the wild life and the z list celeb’s.
We say good luck to her and well done for swapping one rodent ridden jungle for another. No doubt she will take her bush tucker trails seriously before coming back to join back up with the other critters in Holyrood.

But she needn’t have gone that far because we have our own jungle right here in the North of the City with it’s very own bush tucker trails and our own cast of chancers.

Sitting round their very own campfire made out of soiled mattresses and other such combustible delights is our band of distinguished chancers waiting to see who is chosen to take on the arduous task of ”Dodging the Column”. This task involves ensuring that you say all the right things but do as little as possible thereby creating a mirage of make believe, in this our pleasant winter wonderland.

If you succeed in this task you will have created an illusion which nobody believes anyway, and if you don’t or in truth can’t be bothered just shout out ”I’m a chancer get me out of here”

Round the camp fire in their winter woollies hoping they don’t get selected to do something is,

Our number one fan Cammy squint tie Day, throwing another mattress stuffed with Evening news on the fire is huge Sucks fan Ellie flighty Bird, then we have Lottery holiday fan Willie Community Socialist Black, sitting quietly toasting his ass at the fire and praying he gets the planning convenorship back as he needs the money Ian yeah yeah Perry. Lesley prada Hinds was invited for old times sake but declined citing that she’d rather watch the real thing on her 55 inch HD 3D with 140 free channels of shit to choose from LED TV, a retirement present from an anonymous source. Then we have Ricky flatulence Henderson under real pressure in his current role he felt that sitting round the dodgy fume giving off fire was the lesser of two evils. There are two late arrivals Tommy Pinocchio Sheppherd but he wants his payment in cash no questions asked, and hoping to arrive on a Tram but had to walk most of the way our new best friend Adam head scratcher McVey.

Covering this for the media is former Sucks favourite but still an enthusiastic supporter is news hound Steve jambo Cardownie, thanking his lucky stars that he retired just in time to avoid the new intake and wondering how did that happen.

Neck And Neck

Friends and readers.

Our very popular prat of the year contest is proving to be a winner this year with 6 nominations to date. We will leave the nomination list open for another few days and close it on Friday 24-11-17. We will list the nominees on Friday.

Memo To All Staff

Friends and readers.

Edinburgh shity Council’s lazy fat cat officials have put together this useful guide for staff.

Effective immediately: the following economising measures are being implemented by the ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ sub committee.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked

The five golden rings have been put on hold by Economic Development. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of more stupid party’s and even tackier street markets appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by Human Resources will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the CEC A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

Ten Councillors-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of this plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Scottish Labour leaders While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed Scottish Labour leaders this year

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the Law Society seeking expansion to include the legal profession ['Thirteen lawyers-a-suing'], a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Council will request the appropriate lazy fat cat official to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Festive Warning

Friends and readers.

Our friends at Edinburgh Shity Council, you know the ones, those officials who delayed and fucked up allowing the opposition to stop the setting up of the localities costing us another small fortune into the bargain, who the fuck employed that clown Paul sleekit Lawrence.
Anyway they have come up with another job creation scheme for themselves.

Health, Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

Jingle Bells

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note: permission must be gained from landowners and a licence from the Council
before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered noise pollution.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be made available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The City Council have strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ‘little’ and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘cash for gold’ etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would advise that the traversing kings do not rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of AA Routefinder or GPS navigation or a map which can be purchased from your local Neighbourhood centre , which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a Bed

Social Services will visit and may remove any child to a place of safety pending further action against parents, or other persons, who may be found to be guilty of neglect by not providing adequate bedding and shelter for a child in their care. Criminal proceedings may be instituted after a case study has been carried out and fully discussed at a full meeting of the appropriate Social Services Committee.

It’s The Thought That Counts

Friends and readers.

The political season is almost in dry dock for the festive season, so we at Sucks like to come up with some cheap festive cheer as it’s the only place where you won’t get ripped off and you might get a giggle as well. Here Goes.

Dotty Dorris a new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, Dozy doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.’

‘Now, now,’ her mother comforted, ‘I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.’

‘No, mother, you don’t understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.’

‘Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,’ says her mum. ‘Those turkey rolls are only a few pounds.

‘No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey. It was the aeroplane ticket.’ “Aeroplane ticket….” What did you need an airplane ticket for?’

‘Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: “Prepare from a frozen state,” so I flew to Alaska.’

Peppers In The Fruit Bowl

Friends and readers.

The greed and mammon of Xmas is almost upon us and it starts with the dreadful black Friday on 24-11-17. Cannot believe we have descended to this depth. We are now being bombarded from all quarters with buy this buy that and it’s all out war on the mug punter. So Sucks has taken a wry look at all this shit and come up with, the month before Xmas.

Twas the month before Christmas, and all through the store
Each department was dripping with Yuletide decor.
The Music was blaring an out-of-tune carol,
And the fake snow was falling on “Ladies’ Apparel.”

I’d flown many miles from the North Pole this day,
To check on reports which had caused me dismay.
I’d come to this store for but one special reason,
To see for myself what went on this Season.

I hid in a corner and in a short while,
I saw the Store manager march down the aisle.
He shouted an order to “Turn the store tree on!”
And also the “NOEL” in blinking pink neon.

Up high, grandly hanging from twin gold supports,
Four hundred pink angels flew over “Men’s Shorts.”
And towering over the Rear Mezzanine,
A 90-foot Day Glo “Nativity Scene.”

The clock on the wall said two minutes to Nine,
The floorwalkers proudly all stood in line.
I watched while the manager smelled their carnations,
Then called out his final command – “Man Your Stations!”

When out on the street there arose such a roar,
It rang to the rafters and boomed through the store.
It sounded exactly like street-repair drilling,
Or maybe another big Mafia killing.

I looked to the doors, and there banging glass,
Was a clamoring, shrieking, hysterical mass.
And I felt from the tone of each scream and each curse,
That the “Spirit Of Christmas” had changed for the worse.

The clock it struck Nine, and the door opened wide,
And that great human avalanche thundered inside.
More fearsome than Monty attacking Rommel
Came parents and kiddies with just one goal – “Santa!!”

In front stormed the mothers, all brandishing handbags,
As heavy and deadly as 20 pound sandbags.
With gusto they swung them, the better to smash ears,
Of innocent floorwalkers, buyers, and cashiers.

Egged on by their parents, the kids had one aim,
To get to the man who was using my name.
They mobbed him and mauled him, the better to plead,
For the presents they sought in their hour of greed.

The manager watched with a gleam in his eye,
As he thought of the toys that the parents would buy.
Of all Christmas come-ons, this crowd would attest,
That a visit to “Santa” was clearly the best.

It was all too much for my soul to condone,
And I let out a most unprofessional moan.
The crowd turned around, and I’ll say for their sake,
That they knew in an instant I wasn’t fake.

“I’ve had it,” I told them, “with fast-buck promoting,
With gimmicks and come-ons and businessmen gloating.
This garish display of commercialized greed,
Is so very UN-Christmas, it makes my heart bleed!”

Dance Of The Sparrow Hawk

Friends and readers.

Many of us will be watching Planet Earth 2 and the wonders of what lies beneath our oceans. But dear friends did you know that before they began to film Planet Earth 2 there were moves to film in North Edinburgh to try and capture that species known as the acne covered ned. That most inbred of species which prowls the streets looking for unsuspecting victims to rob, it was thought by leading anthropologists that the inbred acne covered ned was the missing link between the first living organism and modern man.

Acne covered ned is like the fabled Dracula frightened by light and only comes out to operate at night. Acne covered ned is a result of a failed experiment to create co-existence with law abiding tax payers who as always get shafted by the state as they are the easier of targets to get. Acne covered ned is tossed a few scrapes every now and then to keep them from breaking out of their own cess pit and moving to pastures new in the civilised parts of the jungle.

Acne covered ned lives in a goldfish bowl of a something for nothing culture, believing if they don’t get what they want they will take it anyway. It’s not all bad of course acne covered ned has created an industry which supports Social Workers, Community Workers, Youth workers, and a vast array of admin staff to cater for their every need. So no acne covered neds no vast army of workers to pay lip service to them, vicious circle is it not.

Some experts tell us that acne covered ned is a product of their environment, others tell the truth. Their list of achievements is lengthy from minor shop lifting to stealing from those who have worked hard for what they have. These are the individuals who receive no help and are left to fend for themselves while acne covered ned carries on making others lives a misery. Acne covered ned comes in all shapes and sizes and are fed on a diet of chemically enhanced fast food which leads some experts think to a dulling of the small amount of brain matter they have to begin with.

Where acne covered ned thrives is where you will see a plethora of nasty fast food carry outs, the packaging of which you will see littering the pavements and streets as acne covered ned leaves a trail for the trackers to pick up. The trackers are state sponsored baby sitters paid to uphold the law but unable to chase acne covered ned in case acne covered ned gets hurt in the process.

Acne covered ned is usually a master of Social Media and is always armed with the latest mobile phone to contact his fellow neds. Acne covered ned thinks nothing of advertising their feats of bravery on said Social Media and what they have stolen and plundered from joe citizen. Acne covered ned laughs in the face of authority and if by luck one is caught then there is always another one to take their place.

Acne covered ned is a phenomenon of modern society born out of the something for nothing culture and if we don’t get we take mentality. The law of the jungle apply’s to acne covered ned and as there is no deterrent, well not one that works so they are kings of that polluted jungle.

Marathon Man

Friends and readers.

Has anyone seen our new best friend Lewis smiler Ritchie. As you know smiler has taken a leave of absence we are told for health reasons, but pinch and salt come to mind when we read that. So Sucks is starting a Lewis watch to see if any of our eagle eyed readers spot smiler dodging around the place.

Fitness fiend Lewis may have to down his shorts and trainers in the short term to recuperate, and no more dressing up as well. What will the Leith SNP clique do without one of their star turns, they may have to promote one of the underlings to their inner circle until smiler is back fighting fit, but cliques are notorious for in breeding and smiler may find himself out in the cold when he makes his grand return. Who we ask could replace smiler, well anyone really who is prepared to sell their soul for a place in the inner circle, so there will no doubt be a number of applications and CV’s dropping through the letter box of clique recruiter Jackie soor ploom Chalmers.

But in the meantime should you spot smiler let us know.