Monthly Archives: December 2017

Keep Smiling

Friends and readers.

We at Pilton Sucks have been wondering about our mate Lewis smiler Ritchie. Councillor smiler had as you will all remember taken leave of absence from his Council duties due to a health issue, well that’s what we were told anyway so we know it probably wasn’t that which led to smilers sudden departure. As a leading light in the SNP leith clique smiler was made convener of Planning a role which he was not shall we say suited for and several blunders later he was on his bike to recuperate.

Well what a pleasant surprise it was when we heard that smiler seemingly fully recovered from whatever mysterious ailment he had suffered from was spotted in his colourful Lycra outfit at the gym within the Scottish Parliament fighting fit and doing the brown nose jive. On further investigation we were delighted to hear that smiler has been a regular at said gym and was now able to brown nose whilst working out.

So we take it that the City Chambers could well have smiler back in rude health soon, and we bet Adam head scratcher McVey will be delighted about that. Our mate Adam may well have to juggle a few balls in the air when welcoming smiler back to the fold given he will know the real reason smiler done a runner.

Rumours are abound about why smiler downed tools and decided to spend more time down the gym brown nosing and keeping fit of course but you know what rumours are 90% true 10% probably.

So as new year is almost on us and the Hogmany party in Princess Street gets geared up for that super duper Jackie Bird free jamboree [she's in Glasgow instead thank god] we can all toast smilers return to health but with a slightly browner nose.

On The Nose.

Friends and readers.

We have a result for the much sought after prat of the year award. With our old pal and legend in her own lunch time Lesley Prada Hinds retiring undefeated, she was always going to be a hard act to follow. But having had all the votes independently counted and verified the result is as follows.

There were 331 votes cast we also had 17 votes which were ineligible.

In third place polling 33 votes was Willie community socialist Black.

In second place polling 91 votes was Tommy Pinocchio Sheppherd.

In first place polling 94 votes winning by a small margin of three after a recount was Ellie flighty Bird.

Congratulations to our new prat of the year champion after a keenly fought contest.

The remaining 113 votes were distributed between the other nominees.

So that’s it for another year folks, our festive contest is over with a new champ crowned by a couple of whiskers.

Neck And Neck

Friends and readers.

A few of our readers have been asking about our prestigious prat of the year contest, so we can tell you that the voting was close and has gone to an independent adjudicator to determine the result.

All the votes have been counted and the spoilt votes and hard to decipher votes have been removed. The top five candidates were as follows and in no particular order.

Ellie flighty Bird.
Tommy Pinocchio Sheppherd.
Willie community socialist Black.
Scot the leak Arthur.
Cammy squint tie Day.

There were a few nominees who didn’t make the cut so commiserations to them. So these are the five who received the most votes and we can tell you it was close with the winner who will be announced tomorrow 26-12-17 winning by a very small margin.

Bet You CAN

Friends and readers.

Today we begin to take a closer look at an organisation that has arrived in the North of the City from seemingly nowhere, that is until you take a keener look at it.

CAN or Community Action North is an organisation devised it appears by a few people who have managed to secure we have found out between the local Council and the Scottish Government close to half a million pounds, and how much of that will go on salaries and to who, it begins to remind us of the days of that other cabal the Pilton Partnership.

We have also learned that Neighbourhood manager Pete formerly the perm Strong has been involved with this group, why? unless it’s to dish out money that could be better spent elsewhere. It reminds Sucks of the bad old Labour days when they created Community projects filled them with their own supporters and payed them from the taxpayers purse.

We at Sucks will be investigating in depth to see who is involved with this organisation and who is being paid and for what. It would not surprise us if it was punters who have been round the block before and know all the dodges and scams and or have been involved with the Labour party in some form or other.

Watch Out.

Friends and readers.

The Xmas panic is in full swing so let us tell you of a tale of disaster and mayhem in all this hyped up mirth.

Saturday 22-12-17 is blind panic day and this is no more blatant than if you are unfortunate or stupid enough to take your life in your hands and go to the Supermarket.

First you have to negotiate the formula 1 type car park whether you drive or not. There is something about Supermarket car parks that make punters take leave of their senses as they grapple for that elusive space with a steely gaze of hate in their eyes. Pedestrians watch out for these incensed punters will mow you down should you attempt to walk across the space they are attempting to manoeuvre into while taking the wing mirror off the the car which has just not quite in the allocated space but just slightly over the white line making it a bit more difficult for the now enraged driver to get in.

Having done that ignoring that they have taken off the wing mirror of a fellow panicker it’s now time to try and get out of the door which only opens a couple of inches and requires the skills of an Olympian gymnast to slide out without pulling several muscles in the process. Having done that with a modicum of success it’s now time to get the big trolley which needs a pound coin to release which of course you don’t have pushing the blood pressure further towards bursting point.

Ingenuity is required and the punter needs to regroup and look for a discarded shopping trolley usual found half way up the street or on it’s side in the bushes. And indeed the punter finds one lying lop sided taking up a parking space which has caused a tail back in the car park because the punter trying to get into the space is thinking what to do about the discarded shopping trolley. So our intrepid shopper solves their problem and frees up a parking space.

Once inside the Supermarket entrance avoiding the confrontation with the Big Issue seller dressed in a dirty looking Santa Claus suit the first thing that grabs our intrepid shoppers attention is the awful music blaring from the tannoy system in between breaks for the faceless announcer to tell us all that cashier 5 is having a problem as a customer has dropped her family sized Chocolate gateau with full fat cream on the ground causing the queue to grind to a halt with world war 3 about to break out unless the stressed out chap with the over sized uniform comes along with his mop to clean up the mess which has already spread a few yards down the aisle as the marauding punters ignore the customers plight and plow straight on to the next available cashier.

Our intrepid shopper looks right and left and dashes into the body of the hall and into the madding crowd. The trolley wars are in full swing as the more experienced shopper uses their trolley as a battering ram shoving the less experienced shopper head first into the French Fancies. The more wily shopper with toddler in tow sits the little darling in the front of the trolley who then proceeds to lash out at passing shoppers threatening to projectile vomit at them if they don’t get out of the way.

But onwards and upwards for our intrepid shopper with that we will fight them on the beaches we will never surrender mentality as they fight their way through the wads of crazed shoppers who are already in the heat of battle to get that must have packet of pigs blankets and all the other Xmas dinner goodies that make you feel ill just looking at them. Screaming kids enraged adults and shopping trolleys that could have been used in Star Wars all engaged in that race for the line and a place in the checkout queue which doesn’t have a punter in front of you with 6 months shopping that takes forever to stack up on the conveyor belt and moves so slowly it makes Scotmid look fast.

The booze shelves are emptying faster than the minimum wage employee can stack them while the wine connoisseur who may disappear up his own ass hole if he takes to long pondering on the grape which has gone into making Morrisons Chateau shit [there's always one isn't there] as the average joe grabs the 20 cans of Carlsberg for a tenner and a couple of bottles of jerkov Vodka for 8 quid a time.

The turkeys are barely dead as the punters grab the biggest ones an eating turkey into February becomes a reality. Crackers are always a big come on don’t know why as a large percentage of them are shit with no big bang for your buck. Then there is the punter yes there is always one who while at the check out tells the cashier that they have forgotten to get that must have packet of frozen sprouts and will only be a minute while they go and get them leaving the punters behind them in the queue looking for rope to hang the stupid fucker and of course with modern technology to fuck with your head the cashier can’t serve anybody else until the idiot who forgot the frozen sprouts comes back, and that’s unlikely to be for at least another 10 minutes.

Yes friends all this and more at a Supermarket near you.

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Jingling Bellows

Friends and readers.

The heating has been on for those who have somewhere to live and the utility cartels are jumping for joy as the cold weather continues to be their best friend. But never mind that because we have been bombarded by the advertising guru’s to buy the must have gifts for Xmas and bugger the consequences.

The mass hysteria which overcomes the nation at this time of year does little to enhance our caring side and we forget that it is quality not quantity which improves life for all. The obscene nature of some of the TV programmes which delight in showing how much is spent and the shit it is spent on shows just how much we have stooped as a society.

We are encouraged to spend spend spend as well as eat and drink to over flowing levels and we are supposed to enjoy it or be tarred as party poopers. Well fuck that as household debt rises to danger levels again. Many of us have bought into the Xmas race determined to out spend the person next to you and grab whatever shit you can regardless of the futility of it all.

For parents this must be their worst financial nightmare as the demands put on them to get their little darling the latest I Phone shit or the latest X box crap and that’s just for the under 10′s the cost massively escalates the older the off spring is. No longer content with an overpriced make you puke selection box and the Oor Willie annual and such like, oh no fuck that it’s the high tech gadgets that can cause havoc in the sky’s or the up to date communication gizmo’s that are top of the list that Santa has to come up with or you will be forever cursed by your little darlings.

At one time if you looked out of your window of an Xmas morning you might have caught sight of a youngster on their new scooter or bike, not now more likely you will be attacked by a drone or a low flying helicopter which the kid in question hasn’t quite got the hang of controlling yet. The rest of the little darlings are either locked in their rooms killing people on these all to realistic games or sending texts on their new super duper all singing and dancing I Phone in a language which the code breakers at GCHQ would have a problem deciphering.

Probably won’t see them all day which may be a blessing in disguise and if you are really lucky you won’t see them until it’s time to go back to school in their soon to be bought new uniform since they have grown about a foot with all that chemically injected junk food they eat mercilessly.

Yes it’s a fun time if you are a squirrel, just get your nuts and sleep for a few months, until its warm again. Sounds like a good idea gather a few things nuts included and fuckin hibernate, only to be woken up by a little darling screaming that they can’t get a fuckin reception on their new phone.

Santa’s A Fat B—–d

Friends and readers.

It’s hypocrisy of the highest level for the Tories to moan about a small increase in tax for the better off while they cut benefits for the sick and disabled. Almost daily story’s come out about real suffering and death caused by these dreadful cuts to those who need help the most. We as a society have witnessed barbaric cruelty inflicted by the Tories on the most vulnerable while the wealthy have flourished and off shore tax havens do a roaring trade.

The Tories are starving the poorest to death and when they have finished they will come for the low paid and those struggling to make ends meet. Never in our recent history has so much been taken from those who have little to give and can’t fight back or run off to far flung lands to hide their dosh.

Just listening to these hopeless inadequate’s in the Holyrood Parliament moaning and bitching about a small increase in tax to the better off, makes you wonder what planet they live on, what’s worse is that the stupid fuckers who voted for them in Scotland kept them in Government in Westminster, we hope you are all proud of yourselves and we hope you never have to suffer the pain your lot are inflicting on the weakest of our citizens.

The barbaric ideology that the Tories so worship has massively divided the nation and has brought clearly into view how much they hate the poor and needy.

Such has been the awful state of the Labour party they could only make a dent in the Tories domination while being absolutely feeble at Holyrood, and now with the woolly jerseyed Guardian readers in the guise of Momentum the new Militant tendency gathering strength within the Labour movement, they do not have their own problems to seek, and given what happened to the whole Labour movement when the poison of Militant spread within the movement, we see the possibility of history once again repeating itself.

The media pander to the cult of wealth and celebrity and bow down to adore these nonentities who flaunt their lifestyle while many of our citizens have no home, no means of getting one, little or no hope despite the propaganda to the contrary, and left to the mercy of a Government run welfare state which is now being used as a weapon to strike those who need our help the most.

This is the Tory run Britain of the 21st century, pay homage to the elite while causing devastation to anyone who dares ask for help.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

Brethren

Friends and readers.

We have now had the SNP’s Holyrood budget and we must say that it rang the right note, well apart from the Daily Mail readers. It’s mildly progressive and coupled with free prescriptions, elderly bus pass and such like we are on the right track. We would only say that those at the top end got off lightly as they always do, but these are the punters who will moan the most.

Harvie and his green lot are holding out for £145 million more for local Government so he’s selling his vote cheaply as three or four times that amount would barely have covered what’s needed to start to reverse all the cuts local Government are having to make.

But here’s a novel idea. Why not introduce a special tax for local authority fat cat officials earning over £50,000 a year and there’s plenty of them, for every £1 they earn over £50,000 they would pay 50p of it in tax which would go directly back into local Authority services. Local Authority’s are now overly bloated with high earning faceless officials earning outrageously high salary’s for what they are supposed to be doing, yet we the mug punter voters don’t see any dividend for this block of high earners.

If they don’t like it they can leave and see if anybody else in the real world will pay them what they are getting from our local authority’s. Now there’s a radical plan plowing money back into services taken from the inflated pay packets of fat assed officials.

For any tax system to be fair it must clamp down on those who cheat the system and close down the gaping holes which encourage tax dodging. It has to start from the top down not the other way round. The SNP budget makes a start in the right direction but it’s only a toe in the water to test the temperature. Too many cheats are allowed to steal from the nation and it is those at the bottom who always suffer.

The SNP’s idea to form an energy company is a good one but where is the blue print, when will it get on stream and stop people getting robbed by the energy cartel who rub their greedy hands together in glee the colder the weather becomes. these are the real enemies of the state, the state that sold off our energy to the private sector and overnight made us a prisoner of those who care not a jot about how hard it is to find the money to pay their rip off bills, and yes once again it’s those at the coal face who have to struggle in order to survive.

The mug punter voters are currently being brain washed by Xmas shit, being teased into spending money they don’t have, by those that do. In reality it’s fuckin bull shit but it detracts the minds of the people for a little while and fills their heads full of crap. It’s a race to see who can spend the most and many are caught up in that race, only to find when the this manufactured smiley face time is over and reality has returned we are broke and what do we have to show for it.

So when you are sitting down to your over done Turkey with all the ghastly trimmings and have managed to find something on the telly which is either not a repeat or wasn’t recorded in the height of Summer, remember once it’s all over the war against the poor starts again where it left off.

How Much!

Friends and readers.

There is little to be merry and bright about but Sucks aims to at least try and make you smile, so here’s a few bits and pieces.

On Christmas Eve, Nathan thought it would be nice to buy his girlfriend a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be’

Unable to decide, Nathan entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, ‘How about some perfume?’ She showed him a bottle costing £75. ‘Too expensive,’ muttered Nathan.

The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50. ‘Oh dear,’ Nathan groused, ‘still far too much.’

Growing rather annoyed at Nathan’s meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny £10 bottle and offered it to him.

Nathan became really agitated, ‘What I mean’, he whined, ‘is I’d like to see something really cheap.’

So the sales girl handed him a mirror.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, ‘from Father Christmas.’

A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.

‘What’s the matter, Al?’ I asked.

‘Ummmm, ‘replied Alex slowly, ‘I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas.’

Trust Him?
On the Sunday before Christmas Reverend Scott was walking along Boswall Parkway in Edinburgh on his way to see a parishioner. However, he wanted to post a parcel urgently so he asked a young boy where he could find the post office. When the boy had directed him, Reverend Scott thanked him and said, ‘If you’ll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.’

The boy replied, ‘I think I’ll give your sermon a miss. If you don’t even know your way to the post office, how will you lead me to heaven?’

It was Christmas Eve and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the butchers in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

‘No, madam, ‘he replied, ‘they’re all dead.’

Lets Wing It

Friends and readers.

Once again word is reaching the ears of the ever alert Pilton Sucks your favourite blog site that bullying took place at the West Granton/West Pilton Community Council and once again we ask the victim to come forward and tell their story to Pilton Sucks and we will publish it. Our very reliable source tells us that bullying indeed took place and on more than one occasion. Our source also tells us that the victim of this bullying was a Community Councillor but did not know their name.

This situation is unacceptable and needs firm action to ensure that this type of behaviour is dealt with and volunteers are not discouraged from coming forward to be Community Councillors. Once again we repeat that if the victim of this bullying campaign wishes to come forward to Pilton Sucks we will go to print.