Friends and readers.
There is little to be merry and bright about but Sucks aims to at least try and make you smile, so here’s a few bits and pieces.
On Christmas Eve, Nathan thought it would be nice to buy his girlfriend a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be’
Unable to decide, Nathan entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, ‘How about some perfume?’ She showed him a bottle costing £75. ‘Too expensive,’ muttered Nathan.
The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50. ‘Oh dear,’ Nathan groused, ‘still far too much.’
Growing rather annoyed at Nathan’s meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny £10 bottle and offered it to him.
Nathan became really agitated, ‘What I mean’, he whined, ‘is I’d like to see something really cheap.’
So the sales girl handed him a mirror.
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, ‘from Father Christmas.’
A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.
‘What’s the matter, Al?’ I asked.
‘Ummmm, ‘replied Alex slowly, ‘I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas.’
On the Sunday before Christmas Reverend Scott was walking along Boswall Parkway in Edinburgh on his way to see a parishioner. However, he wanted to post a parcel urgently so he asked a young boy where he could find the post office. When the boy had directed him, Reverend Scott thanked him and said, ‘If you’ll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.’
The boy replied, ‘I think I’ll give your sermon a miss. If you don’t even know your way to the post office, how will you lead me to heaven?’
It was Christmas Eve and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the butchers in the hope of finding a large one.
In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
‘No, madam, ‘he replied, ‘they’re all dead.’