Watch Out.

Friends and readers.

The Xmas panic is in full swing so let us tell you of a tale of disaster and mayhem in all this hyped up mirth.

Saturday 22-12-17 is blind panic day and this is no more blatant than if you are unfortunate or stupid enough to take your life in your hands and go to the Supermarket.

First you have to negotiate the formula 1 type car park whether you drive or not. There is something about Supermarket car parks that make punters take leave of their senses as they grapple for that elusive space with a steely gaze of hate in their eyes. Pedestrians watch out for these incensed punters will mow you down should you attempt to walk across the space they are attempting to manoeuvre into while taking the wing mirror off the the car which has just not quite in the allocated space but just slightly over the white line making it a bit more difficult for the now enraged driver to get in.

Having done that ignoring that they have taken off the wing mirror of a fellow panicker it’s now time to try and get out of the door which only opens a couple of inches and requires the skills of an Olympian gymnast to slide out without pulling several muscles in the process. Having done that with a modicum of success it’s now time to get the big trolley which needs a pound coin to release which of course you don’t have pushing the blood pressure further towards bursting point.

Ingenuity is required and the punter needs to regroup and look for a discarded shopping trolley usual found half way up the street or on it’s side in the bushes. And indeed the punter finds one lying lop sided taking up a parking space which has caused a tail back in the car park because the punter trying to get into the space is thinking what to do about the discarded shopping trolley. So our intrepid shopper solves their problem and frees up a parking space.

Once inside the Supermarket entrance avoiding the confrontation with the Big Issue seller dressed in a dirty looking Santa Claus suit the first thing that grabs our intrepid shoppers attention is the awful music blaring from the tannoy system in between breaks for the faceless announcer to tell us all that cashier 5 is having a problem as a customer has dropped her family sized Chocolate gateau with full fat cream on the ground causing the queue to grind to a halt with world war 3 about to break out unless the stressed out chap with the over sized uniform comes along with his mop to clean up the mess which has already spread a few yards down the aisle as the marauding punters ignore the customers plight and plow straight on to the next available cashier.

Our intrepid shopper looks right and left and dashes into the body of the hall and into the madding crowd. The trolley wars are in full swing as the more experienced shopper uses their trolley as a battering ram shoving the less experienced shopper head first into the French Fancies. The more wily shopper with toddler in tow sits the little darling in the front of the trolley who then proceeds to lash out at passing shoppers threatening to projectile vomit at them if they don’t get out of the way.

But onwards and upwards for our intrepid shopper with that we will fight them on the beaches we will never surrender mentality as they fight their way through the wads of crazed shoppers who are already in the heat of battle to get that must have packet of pigs blankets and all the other Xmas dinner goodies that make you feel ill just looking at them. Screaming kids enraged adults and shopping trolleys that could have been used in Star Wars all engaged in that race for the line and a place in the checkout queue which doesn’t have a punter in front of you with 6 months shopping that takes forever to stack up on the conveyor belt and moves so slowly it makes Scotmid look fast.

The booze shelves are emptying faster than the minimum wage employee can stack them while the wine connoisseur who may disappear up his own ass hole if he takes to long pondering on the grape which has gone into making Morrisons Chateau shit [there's always one isn't there] as the average joe grabs the 20 cans of Carlsberg for a tenner and a couple of bottles of jerkov Vodka for 8 quid a time.

The turkeys are barely dead as the punters grab the biggest ones an eating turkey into February becomes a reality. Crackers are always a big come on don’t know why as a large percentage of them are shit with no big bang for your buck. Then there is the punter yes there is always one who while at the check out tells the cashier that they have forgotten to get that must have packet of frozen sprouts and will only be a minute while they go and get them leaving the punters behind them in the queue looking for rope to hang the stupid fucker and of course with modern technology to fuck with your head the cashier can’t serve anybody else until the idiot who forgot the frozen sprouts comes back, and that’s unlikely to be for at least another 10 minutes.

Yes friends all this and more at a Supermarket near you.

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